The Politician Out-Witted Part 3

LOVEYET. Prithee, Mr. Sancho, let's have no more of those insipid proverbs.

You was going to tell me your name.

HUMPHRY. My name is Cubb,--Humphry Cubb, at your sarvice, as the saying is.

LOVEYET. Hah! my worthy friend Frankton----

_Enter FRANKTON._

FRANKTON. My best, my long expected Charles! your arrival has made me the happiest man alive.

[_They embrace._

LOVEYET. I am heartily glad to see you, George, and to meet you so opportunely; 'tis not fifteen minutes since I landed on my native soil, and you are the very person, above every other in the city, whom I wish'd first to see.

FRANKTON. Then you have not forgot your friend.

LOVEYET. Far from it, Frankton; be a.s.sured that the joy I now feel at meeting with _you_, is by no means the least I expect to experience.

FRANKTON. Our satisfaction is then mutual--your friends are all happy and well, and I know your arrival will not a little contribute to _their_ felicity, as well as mine--but who have you here, Loveyet? Landed not fifteen minutes ago, and in close confab with one of our Boors already?

HUMPHRY. A boar! why you're worser than he there--he only took father's _corn_ for _pigs_, but do you take _me_ for a _boar_, eigh? Do I look like a _hog_, as the saying is?

FRANKTON. Begone, you illiterate lubber!--My dear Charles, I have a thousand things to say to you, and this is an unfit place for conversation.

LOVEYET. We will adjourn to the Coffee-House.

FRANKTON. No, you shall go with me to my lodgings.

HUMPHRY. Why, what a cruel-minded young dog he is! See how he swaggers and struts--he looks very like the Pharisee's head, on old _Coming Sir_, honest d.i.c.k Tipple's sign, I think--No, now I look at him good, he's the very moral of our Tory.

LOVEYET. I wait your pleasure, Frankton.

FRANKTON. Then allons!

[_Exeunt FRANKTON and LOVEYET._

HUMPHRY. [_Burlesquing them._] Forward, march--as our Captain says--[_Struts after them._]--Literary lubber, eigh! But I'll be up with the foutre.

_FRANKTON and LOVEYET return._

FRANKTON. Do you call me a foutre, you rascal?

HUMPHRY. Call you a future! ha, ha, ha. I was a talking about something that I was a going for to do some other time, sir.--Doesn't future magnify some other time, eigh?

FRANKTON. The future signifies the time to come, to be sure.

HUMPHRY. Well, then, isn't I right? What argufies your signifies, or your magnifies? There an't the toss up of a copper between 'um--I wou'dn't give a leather b.u.t.ton for the choice, as the old proverb goes.

FRANKTON. Harkee, Mr. Talkative, if you ever----

HUMPHRY. No, sir, never,--that I won't--no, no, you may be sure of that.

FRANKTON. Sure of what?

HUMPHRY. Nothing, sir; we can be sartin of nothing in this world, as Mr.

Thumpum says.

LOVEYET. Ha, ha, ha.

FRANKTON. Oh, what a precious numskull it is!

LOVEYET. [_To FRANKTON._] I have a letter here, which announces to my father, my intention to leave the West-Indies the beginning of March, but I miss'd of the expected conveyance--I have half a mind to send it yet. I would not have him apprized of my arrival; for I wish to try if he would know me;--and yet I long to embrace my aged and venerable parent.--Will you do me the favour to take this letter to my father, Mr. Cubb? He lives at number two hundred and fifty, in Queen-Street, in a three-story red brick house.--I'll reward you for it.

HUMPHRY. As for your rewards, I'm above it, d' ye see: If I do it, I'll do it without fear or reward, as the saying is; but if you think fit, you may treat a body to the valuation of a mug or so. Don't you love ale? for they says how the Yorkers is cursed fellows for strong beer.

LOVEYET. What a digression!

HUMPHRY. I scorn your words--'tis no transgression at all to drink ale--Why, Parson Thumpum himself drinks ale.

LOVEYET. Well, will you carry the letter? You shall have as much strong beer when you come back as you can stagger under.

HUMPHRY. Why, if I was for to have my beer a-board before I go, I shou'dn't get top-heavy, as the saying is; for I can carry as much weight in my head as e'er a he that wears a head, without staggering.

FRANKTON. I dare say you can; you have always plenty of that.

HUMPHRY. Yes, you're right--I know what you mean; I've got it here a little, as old Mr. Scourge says. [_Exeunt FRANKTON and LOVEYET._] But as for what you said just now--no, no, sir; I'll never foutre you, I warrant you--I always curses and swears in plain English, d' ye see--I--what's he gone? I hope he won't come back again for the sixth time; three times has he been in and out within the circ.u.mference of a minute. But I won't stay here no longer--I'll go and try if I can't find out where Doll lives, my old sweetheart; I an't so poor, but what I can buy her a ribbon or so; and, if all comes to all, I can get a new pair o' breeches too; for, to be sure, this one doesn't look quite so decent, and if that doesn't fetch her, the devil shall, as the old saying is. I'm cursedly afraid, I sha'n't be able to find out her quarters.

[_Exit._

SCENE III. _MR. FRIENDLY'S House._

_Enter HARRIET and MARIA._

HARRIET. Pray, Maria, how were you entertained at the a.s.sembly last night?

MARIA. Very indifferently, I a.s.sure you, my dear: You know, Harriet, I do most cordially hate dancing at any time; but what must one do with one's self these irksome, heavy, dreary Winters? If it were not for cards, visits to and from, and----

HARRIET. a.s.semblies.

MARIA. Yes, as my last resource, a.s.semblies, I should absolutely be in a state of despair before Spring.--Then one may take an excursion on York or Long-Island--an agreeable sail on the East-River--a walk in the Broadway, Pharisee-like, to be seen of men, and--to see them--and then how refres.h.i.+ng to take a negligent stroll on the Battery, the Fort, the Mall, and from thence to Miss Such-a-one, then to Mrs. Such-a-one, then to Lady What's-her-name, and then home;--but now I am half of my time as motionless as Pitt's statue; as petrified and inanimate as an Egyptian mummy, or rather frozen snake, who crawls out of his hole now and then in this season to bask in the rays of the sun.

HARRIET. And whenever the suns.h.i.+ne of Mr. Frankton's eyes breaks upon you, you revive.

MARIA. Pshaw--I wish you had Mr. Frankton yourself, since you are so full of his sweet image.

HARRIET. I'm sure you did not wish so last night: Your eyes seem'd to say,--I wish I could secure the good-for-nothing, agreeable rake.

MARIA. Oh, you _heard_ my _eyes_ say so, did you? I ask pardon of your penetration.