Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 237

[_Exit Margaret, door right. Mrs. Abbey calls through door center._]

MRS. ABBEY. You c'n come in.

[_Enter door left, Charles P. K. Fenton, dictionary salesman. He is a strikingly handsome young man, offensively smartly dressed in a black and white check suit, gaudy tie, and white socks. His hair is brushed back from his forehead like a glossy sheath. He carries a black bag. His manner is distinctly "male."_]

MRS. ABBEY [_points to screen_]. You can undress behind there.

FENTON. Undress? Say, what's this? A Turkish bath?

MRS. ABBEY. Did you expect to have a private room all to yourself?

FENTON [_looking around_]. What am I to undress for?

MRS. ABBEY. The missus will be here in a minute.

FENTON. Good night! I'm goin'.

[_Makes for door._]

MRS. ABBEY. What's the matter? Ain't you the Missus' new model?

FENTON. A model! Ha! Ha! You've sure got the wrong number this time. I'm in the dictionary line, ma'am.

MRS. ABBEY. Well, of all the impudence! You a book agent, and a-walkin'

in here.

FENTON. Well, you asked me in, didn't you? Can't I see the missus, jest for a minute?

MRS. ABBEY [_good-naturedly_]. Very well. Here she is.

[_Confidentially._] And I advise you to remove that Spearmint from your mouth, if you want to sell any dictionaries in this house.

FENTON [_placing hand to mouth_]. Where shall I put it?

MRS. ABBEY. You'd better swallow it!

[_Fenton tries to do so, chokes, turns red, and places his hand to mouth._]

MARGARET [_to Fenton_]. I'm so glad to see you.

[_Fenton is most embarra.s.sed. Mrs. Abbey, in surprise, attempts to explain situation._]

MRS. ABBEY. But, ma'am--

MARGARET. You may go, Mrs. Abbey.

MRS. ABBEY. But, but, ma'am--

MARGARET [_severely_]. You may go, Mrs. Abbey. [_Exit Mrs. Abbey in a huff._] I'm so glad they sent you up to see me. Won't you sit down?

[_Fenton finds it a difficult matter to handle the situation. He adopts his usual formula for an "opening," but his speech is mechanical and without conviction. Margaret adds to the embarra.s.sment by stepping around him and examining him with professional interest._]

FENTON. Madam, I represent the Globe Advertising Publis.h.i.+ng Sales Co., the largest publishers of dictionaries in the world.

MARGARET [_continuing to appraise him_]. Then you're not the new model?

FENTON. No, ma'am.

MARGARET. What a pity! Never mind, go on.

FENTON. As I was saying, ma'am, I represent the Advertising Globe Publis.h.i.+ng--I mean the Globe Publis.h.i.+ng Sales Publis.h.i.+ng Co., the largest publishers of dictionaries in the world. For some time past we have felt there was a demand for a new Encyclopaedic Dictionary, madam, one that would not only fill up a good deal of s.p.a.ce in the bookshelf, making an attractive addition to the home, but also containing the most complete collection of words in the English language.

MARGARET [_who has taken a pencil and is measuring Fenton while he speaks; Fenton's discomfort is obvious. He attempts to rearrange his tie and coat, thinking she is examining him._] Please go on talking, it's so interesting.

FENTON. Statistics show that the Woman of Average Education in America, Madam, has command of but fifteen hundred words. This new dictionary, Madam, [_Produces book from bag._] will give you command of over eight hundred and fifty thousand.

MARGARET [_archly_]. So you are a dealer in words--how perfectly romantic.

FENTON [_warming_]. Most of these words, madam, are not used more than a dozen times a year. They are our Heritage from the Past. And all these words, to say nothing of the fact that the dictionary fills five inches in a bookshelf, making an attractive addition to the library, being handsomely bound in half-cloth--all these are yours, ma'am, for the price of one dollar.

[_He places dictionary in her hand. She examines it._]

FENTON. If you have a son, madam, the possession of this dictionary will give him an opportunity of acquiring that knowledge of our language which made Abraham Lincoln the Father of our Country. Madam, opportunity knocks at the door only once and _This_ is _your_ opportunity at one dollar.

MARGARET [_meaningly_]. Yes, this is my opportunity! I'll buy the dictionary and now [_sweetly_] won't you tell me your name?

FENTON [_pocketing dollar_]. My name is Charles P. K. Fenton.

MARGARET. Mr. Fenton, would you mind doing me a favor?

FENTON [_looking dubiously towards the screen_]. Why, I guess not, ma'am.

MARGARET. I want you to take off your coat.

FENTON [_puzzled_]. You're not trying to kid me, ma'am?

MARGARET. I just want to see your development. Do you mind?

FENTON [_removes coat_]. Why, no, ma'am, if that's all you want.

MARGARET. Now, bring your arm up, tighten the muscles. [_Fenton does as she bids; Margaret thumps his arm approvingly._] Splendid! You must take lots of exercise, Mr. Fenton.

FENTON. Not me, ma'am. I never had no time for exercise; I got that workin' in a freight yard.

Margaret. I suppose you think me rather peculiar, Mr. Fenton.

FENTON. You said it, Miss.

MARGARET. You see I'm a sculptress. [_Points to statuette._] This is my work.