Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 248

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. I am sorry the poets no longer divert you.

MENELAUS. A little poetry is always too much.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. To-morrow we will try the historians.

MENELAUS. No! Not the historians. I want the truth for a change.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. The truth!

MENELAUS. Where in books can I find escape from the grim reality of being hitched for life to such a wife? Bah!

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. Philosophy teaches--

MENELAUS. Why have the G.o.ds made woman necessary to man, and made them fools?

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. For seventy years I have been resolving the problem of woman and even at my age--

MENELAUS. Give it up, old man. The answer is--don't.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. Such endless variety, and yet--

MENELAUS [_with the conviction of finality_]. There are only two sorts of women! Those who are failures and those who realize it.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. Is not Penelope, the model wife of your cousin Ulysses, an exception?

MENELAUS. Duty is the refuge of the unbeautiful. She is as commonplace as she is ugly. [_And then with deep bitterness._] Why didn't _he_ marry Helen when we all wanted her? He was too wise for that. He is the only man I've ever known who seems able to direct destiny.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. You should not blame the G.o.ds for a lack of will.

MENELAUS [_shouting_]. Will! Heaven knows I do not lack the will to rid myself of this painted puppet, but where is the instrument ready to my hand?

[_At this moment a Shepherd of Apollonian beauty leaps across the rail of the balcony and bounds into the room. Menelaus and a.n.a.lytikos start back in amazement._]

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. Who are you?

PARIS. An adventurer.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. Then you have reached the end of your story. In a moment you will die.

PARIS. I have no faith in prophets.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. The soldiers of the King will give you faith. Don't you know that it means death for any man to enter the apartments of the Queen?

PARIS [_looking from one to the other_]. Oh! So you're a couple of eunuchs.

[_Though nearly eighty this is too much for a.n.a.lytikos to bear. He rushes to call the guard, but Menelaus stops him._]

PARIS [_to a.n.a.lytikos_]. Thanks.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. You thank me for telling you your doom?

PARIS. No--for convincing me that I'm where I want to be. It's taken me a long while, but I knew I'd get here. [_And then very intimately to Menelaus._] Where's the Queen?

MENELAUS. Where do you come from?

PARIS. From the hills. I had come down into the market-place to sell my sheep. I had my hood filled with apples. They were golden-red like a thousand sunsets.

MENELAUS [_annoyed_]. You might skip those bucolic details.

PARIS. At the fair I met three ancient gypsies.

MENELAUS. What have they to do with you coming here?

PARIS. You don't seem very patient. Can't I tell my story in my own way?

They asked me for the apple I was eating and I asked them what they'd give for it.

MENELAUS. I'm not interested in market quotations.

PARIS. You take everything so literally. I'm sure you're easily bored.

MENELAUS [_with meaning_]. I am.

PARIS [_going on cheerfully_]. The first was to give me all the money she could beg, and the second was to tell me all the truth she could learn by listening, and the third promised me a pretty girl. So I chose--

[_He hesitates._]

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. You cannot escape by spinning out your tale.

PARIS. Death is the end of one story and the beginning of another.

MENELAUS. Well! Well! Come to the point. Which did you choose?

PARIS [_smiling_]. Well, you see I'd been in the hills for a long while, so I picked the girl.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. It would have been better for you if you had chosen wisdom.

PARIS. I knew you'd say that.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. I have spoken truly. In a moment you will die.

PARIS. It is because the old have forgotten life that they preach wisdom.

MENELAUS. So you chose the girl? Well, go on.

PARIS. This made the other cronies angry, and when I tossed her the apple one of the others yelped at me: "You may as well seek the Queen of Sparta: she is the fairest of women." And as I turned away I heard their laughter, but the words had set my heart aflame and though it cost me my life, I'll follow the adventure.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS [_scandalized_]. Haven't we heard enough of this?

MENELAUS [_deeply_]. No! I want to hear how the story ends. It may amuse the King.