Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 276

[_The Curtain Falls Slowly._]

SHAM

A SOCIAL SATIRE

BY FRANK G. TOMPKINS

Copyright, 1920, by Stewart & Kidd Co.

All rights reserved.

THREE PEOPLE

CHARLES, _the Householder_.

CLARA, _his Wife_.

THE THIEF.

Originally produced by Sam Hume as the dedicatory piece of the new Arts & Crafts Theater, Detroit, and by Maurice Browne of the Chicago Art Theater.

Reprinted from "The Stewart-Kidd Modern Plays," edited by Frank Shay.

The professional and amateur stage rights on this play are strictly reserved by the author. Applications for permission to produce this play should be made to Mr. Frank Shay, care Stewart & Kidd Co., Cincinnati, U. S. A.

SHAM

A SOCIAL SATIRE BY FRANK G. TOMPKINS

[_SCENE: A darkened room. After a moment the door opens, admitting a streak of light. A man peers in cautiously. As soon as he is sure that the room is unoccupied, he steps inside and feels along the wall until he finds the switch which floods the room with light. He is dressed in impeccable taste--evidently a man of culture. From time to time he bites appreciatively on a ham sandwich as he looks about him, apparently viewing the room for the first time. Nothing pleases him until a vase over the mantel catches his eye. He picks it up, looks at the bottom, puts it down hard, and mutters, "Imitation." Other articles receive the same disdainful verdict. The whole room is beneath his notice. He starts to sit down before the fire and enjoy his sandwich.

Suddenly he pauses to listen, looks about him hurriedly for some place to hide, thinks better of it, and takes his stand opposite the door, smiling pleasantly and expectantly. The door opens and a young woman enters with a man at her heels. As she sees the thief she stifles a scream and retreats, backing the man out behind her.

The thief smiles and waits. Soon the door opens again, and the man enters with the woman clinging to him. They stand opposite the thief and stare at him, not sure what they ought to say or do._]

THIEF [_pleasantly_]. Good evening! [_Pause._] Good evening, good evening. You surprised me. Can't say I expected you home so soon. Was the play an awful bore? [_Pause._] We-e-ell, can't one of you speak. I CAN carry on a conversation alone, but the question-and-answer method is usually preferred. If one of you will ask me how I do, we might get a step farther.

CLARA [_breathlessly_]. You--you--[_With growing conviction._] You're a thief!

THIEF. Exactly. And you, madame? The mistress of the house, I presume.

Or are you another thief? The traditional one that it takes to catch the first?

CLARA. This--this is OUR house. Charles, why don't you do something?

Don't stand there like a--Make him go away! Tell him he mustn't take anything. [_Advancing toward the thief and speaking all in one sentence._] What have you taken? Give it to me instantly. How dare you!

Charles, take it away from him.

CHARLES [_apparently not afraid, a little amused, but uncertain what to do, finally adopting the bullying tone._] I say, old man, you'd better clear out. We've come home. You know you can't--come now, give it up. Be sensible. I don't want to use force--

THIEF. I don't want you to.

CHARLES. If you've got anything of ours--We aren't helpless, you know.

[_He starts to draw something black and s.h.i.+ny from his overcoat pocket.

It might be a pistol, but he does not reveal its shape._]

THIEF. Let's see those gla.s.ses. Give them here. [_Takes them from the uncertain Charles._] Perhaps they're better than mine. Fine cases.

[_Tries them._] Humph! Window gla.s.s! Take them back. You're not armed, you know. I threw your revolver down the cold-air shaft. Never carry one myself--in business hours. Yours was in the bottom of your bureau drawer. Bad shape, those bureau drawers were in. Nice and neat on top; rat's nest below. Shows up your character in great shape, old man.

Always tell your man by his bureau drawers. Didn't it ever occur to you that a thief might drop in on you some night? What would he think of you?

CHARLES. I don't think--

THIEF. You should. I said to myself when I opened that drawer: "They put up a great surface, but they're shams. Probably streak that runs through everything they do." You ought to begin with real neatness. This other sort of thing is just a form of dishonesty.

CLARA. You! Talking to US about honesty--in our house!

THIEF. Just the place for honesty. Begin at home. Let's--

CLARA. Charles, I won't stand this? Grab hold of him. Search him. You hold him. I'll telephone.

THIEF. You can't.

CLARA. You've cut the wires.

THIEF. Didn't have to. Your telephone service has been cut off by the company. I found that out before I came. I suspect you neglected the bill. You ought not to, makes no end of trouble. Inconvenienced me this evening. Better get it put in right away.

CLARA. Charles, do I have to stand here and be insulted?

THIEF. Sit down. Won't you, please! This is your last ham-sandwich, so I can't offer you any, but there's plenty of beer in the cellar, if you care for it. I don't recommend it, but perhaps you're used to it.

CLARA [_almost crying_]. Charles, are you going to let him preach to us all night! I won't have it. Being lectured by a thief!

CHARLES. You can't stop a man's talking, my dear, especially this sort of man. Can't you see he's a born preacher? Old man, while advice is going round, let me tell you that you've missed your calling. Why don't you go in for reform? Ought to go big.

CLARA. Oh, Charles! Don't talk to him. You're a good deal bigger than he is.

THIEF. Maybe I'll jiu-jitsu him.

CLARA. He's insulting you now, Charles. Please try. I'll hold his feet.

THIEF. No doubt you would. But that wouldn't stop my talking. You'd be taking an unfair advantage, too; I couldn't kick a lady, could I?

Besides, there are two of you. You leave it to Charles and me. Let's have fair play, at least.

CLARA. Fair play? I'd like to know--