Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent Part 51

"Send me that poteen you spoke of, and ignore the Bills against these M'Caffreys."

"No, sir," replied Val, looking with his own peculiar beetle-browed smile at Sir William, "I shall not; for by G--, we will find true Bills against the four M'Caffreys. We might do something for humanity, Mr.

Hartley; but we are not to be made fools of before our own faces."

"I do not understand you," replied Hartley.

"He is nothing but a scoundrel, as I said," returned Sir William--"that is all; a low-born scoundrel; and it is a disgrace to see such a fellow's name upon any Grand Jury list."

"Hartley," replied Spavin, "we do not wish to refuse either Sir William or you in such a matter as this; but the fact is, M'Clutchy is right.

This is at bottom a party matter--a political matter, and you know it is."

"No, sir; on my own part and on Sir William's I disclaim any such knowledge."

"You know, Hartley, you are canva.s.sing the county."

"Yes, but what has that to do with these; men or their affairs?"

"What--why you know that if we ignore the Bills against them, they will be out and ready to vote for you at the forthcoming election."

Hartley looked at him with surprise but said nothing.

"Now," he proceeded, "I will tell you what we will do. If you and Sir William pledge your words, as men of honor, that you will not accept the votes of these men, the matter you wish shall be managed."

Sir William started to his feet.

"Great G.o.d," said he, "is it not monstrous that an oath of secrecy should bind us to conceal these inquiries?"

"It is monstrous, Sir William," replied his friend; "I do believe there is not such, a scene of shameless and hardened corruption on earth, as a Grand Jury Room at the present day."

This, however, they said rather aside to each other.

"No, sir," replied Hartley to the last proposal, "neither I nor Sir William shall enter into any such shameful compromise. I felt perfectly satisfied of the slight chance of justice which these poor men had, and will have from a jury so composed as theirs I know will be; and that was the reason why I did not hesitate to try, if I could, with any effect, save them from what I now perceive is designed for them--a political punishment independent of crime."

"Never mind," said Sir William, taking him aside, "never mind, Hartley; we will be able to defeat them yet. I shall send for the prosecuting parties; get them to withdraw proceedings, and immediately fight it out in my lawn or stable-yard."

After a great deal of similar squabbling and negotiation, the gentleman at length got through the criminal calendar for the county, and with still more startling honesty and disinterestedness, entered upon the transactions of its fiscal business. Beaker, whenever he took no part in the discussions that accompanied the settlement of each question, sat reading a newspaper to the air of the Boyne Water, which he whistled from habit in a low manner that was scarcely audible, unless to some one who felt anxious to derive amus.e.m.e.nt, as several did, from the originality of the performance.

"Gentlemen," said the secretary, "here is a list of the presentments.

The first is--For two miles and a quarter of a new road, running from George Ganderwell's house at the Crooked Commons, out along Pat Donnellan's little farm of the Stripe, through which it runs longitudinally; then across Jemmy league's meadow, over the m.u.f.fin Burn, then through widow Doran's garden, bisecting Darby M'Lorrinan's three acre field, afterwards entering the Glebe, and pa.s.sing close to the lodge of the Rev. Phineas Lucre's avenue."

"Is there any opposition to this?" inquired the chairman.

"Read the next," said M'Clutchy, "and then we shall be the better able to see."

No. 2. "For four miles of road, commencing at the Ban Ard river, which it crosses, running through Frank f.a.gan's croft, along Rogues Town, over Tom Magill's Long-shot meadow, across the Sally Slums, up Davy Aiken's Misery-meerin, by Parra Rakkan's haggard, up the Dumb Hill, into Lucky Lavery's Patch, and from that right ahead to Const.i.tution Cottage, the residence of Valentine M'Clutchy, Esq., within two hundred yards of which it joins the high road to Castle c.u.mber."

"Now the question is," said Val, "can both these be pa.s.sed during this term?"

"Val," replied young Jollyblock, "if ever a man was afflicted with modesty and disinterestedness you are he; and well becomes me the parson, too, in his share of the job; but it's all right, gentlemen.

Work away, I Say. The Parson-magistrate, and the Agent-grand-juror have set us an excellent example--ha---In.--ha! Deaker, drop whistling the Boyne Water there, and see what's going on here."

"No," said Deaker, "there never was such air composed as the Boyne Water; and my only request is, that I may die whistling it. d.a.m.n it, Jollyblock, unless a man is a good Protestant he's bad for everything else."

"But how the devil Deaker, can you call yourself a good Protestant, when you believe in nothing?"

"Why," said Deaker, "I believe that a certain set of political opinions are necessary for our safety and welfare in this world; and, I believe, that these are to be found in the Church, and that it is good Protestantism to abide by them, yes, and by the Church too, so long as she teaches nothing but politics, as she does, and acts up to them."

"And does your faith stop there?"

"How could it go farther with the lives of such men as your father and Lucre staring me in the face? Precept, d.i.c.k, is of little value when example is against it. For instance, where's the use of men's preaching up piety and religion, when their own conduct is a libel upon their doctrine? Suppose, now, there are two roads--and 'tis said there are: No. 1, leading to an imaginary region, placed above; No. 2, to another imaginary region, placed below--very good; the parson says to jon and to me, do so and so, and take the No. 1 road; but, in the meantime, he does himself the very reverse of this so and so, and takes the No. 2 road.

Now, which are we to respect most, his advice or his example?"

"Let us go on," said Spavin, "perhaps there are others whose claims are as modest and disinterested; we shan't say anything about being as well founded. You secretary fellow, read away."

"Before you go any farther," said a droll-looking person named M'Small, "you must pa.s.s me a bridge over Lumlay's Leap. Our party voted you about thirty miles of roads to repair thoroughly, and you know that although you only veneered them, we said nothing."

"But," replied Val, "who ever heard of a bridge without water; and I know there's not a stream within three miles of you."

"Never mind that," replied M'Small, "let me have the bridge first, and we'll see what can be done about the water afterwards. If G.o.d in his mercy would send a wet winter next season, who knows but we might present for a new river at the January a.s.sizes."

"You must have it," said Deaker, "give M'Small the bridge, and, as he says, we'll see afterwards what can be done for a river for it."

"M'Small," said Hartley, "what if you'd get a presentment for a couple of mountain water spouts; who knows but it might answer the purpose?"

"I'm afraid," said M'Small, who, by the way, was a good deal of a humorist, "I fear, Hartley, that the jurisdiction of the grand panel would scarcely reach so high. In the meantime I shall think of it."

The bridge, however, was not only pa.s.sed, but built, and actually stands to this day, an undeniable monument of the frugality and honesty of grand jurors, and the affection which they were then capable of bearing to each other, when their interests happened to be at stake, which was just four times in the year.

In the meantime, the tumultuous battle of jobs in all its noise, recrimination, and jangle of conflicting interests, and incredible selfishness commenced. There were strong mutual objections to pa.s.s the roads to Mr. Lucre and M'Clutehy, and a regular conflict between their respective partisans accordingly took place. M'Clutchy's party were absolutely shocked at the grossness and impiety of such a man as Mr.

Lucre, a person of such great wealth, an absentee, a nonresident-rector, dipping his hand in the affairs of the county for the sake of a job.

His party, for he had a strong one, dwelt upon his rights as a civil officer, a magistrate, and justice of quorum--upon his sterling principles as a loyal Protestant, who had rendered very important services to the Church and the government. It was such as he, they said, who supported the true dignity and respectability of Protestantism, and it would be a scandal to refuse him a road to his glebe. Deaker groaned several times during this eulogium, and repeated his favorite text--let us eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow we die; but whether its application was designed for Lucre or himself, was not very easy--perhaps we should rather say difficult to determine.

"That is all very true," replied Val's party; "but in the meantime, it would be quite as creditable for him to pay some attention to the spiritual interests of his parish, and the condition of its tottering old church, as to be mulcting the county for a job."

"What can you know about his church," inquired Spavin, "who have never been seen in it, except on last Easter Monday, when you were candidate for the church wardens.h.i.+p? M'Clutehy," he added, "we all know you are a Protestant of your father's color; it's the best Protestantism that puts most into your pocket."

"And on what other principle is Lucre himself now proceeding, or has ever proceeded?" replied Val's friends--for Val himself had always a wholesome repugnance to personal discussion.

In fact, one would have imagined, on hearing Val's party declaiming against the selfishness of Lucre, that they themselves entertained a most virtuous horror against jobs and corruptions of all kinds, and had within them an actual _bona fide_ regard for religion, in all its purity, spiritual beauty, and truth; whilst on the contrary, the Lucreites, who certainly had the worst cause, seemed to think that M'Clutchy, in preferring his own corruption to that of the parson, was guilty of a complete desertion of that sterling and mutually concessive Protestant feeling which they considered to const.i.tute its highest principle, and absolutely to merge into the manifestation of something inimical to a Protestant government.

At length it was suggested by him of the bridge, that in order to meet the wishes of two such excellent men, and such admirable representatives of pure Protestant virtue and spirit, it would be best to pa.s.s both presentments on the present occasion, and drop or postpone some of the minor ones until next term--a suggestion which was eagerly received by both parties, inasmuch as it satisfied the rapacity of each, without giving a victory to either. This, however, was far from terminating either the business or the debates that arose out of the minor conflicting interests of the jurors. A good deal of hanging fire there was also, but given and returned in a better spirit, between. Val's friends and Lucre's.

"Why doesn't Lucre," said the former, "afford us a little more of his company in the parish?"

"Ah," replied the Lucreites, "we suppose if he gave you more of his venison and claret, he would experience less of your opposition."

"I really am afraid to go to church," said Val, who, now that the storm had pa.s.sed, resumed his usual insinuating habit of light sarcasm: "I am afraid to go, lest the crazy old church, which really, between ourselves--I speak of course in a friendly way now--is in a most shameful and dangerous state, should fall upon me."