Jonathan and His Continent Part 32

After the performance, a great part of the audience demanded the return of half their entrance money, on the ground that the programme had not been carried out in its entirety, since the President and his wife had not made their appearance, as the spectators had been led to expect.

The circus manager was obliged to reimburse, says the paper from which I extract the account.

Never lay aside an American newspaper without reading the advertis.e.m.e.nts. Ten to one you will be rewarded for your patience.

The following appeared in the _New York Herald_ matrimonial column:

"A Christian gentleman, good family, highest character, American, handsome, educated, cultured, will give his youthful manhood and vigour for the love of a maiden lady with an income; marriage; no triflers."

This reads a "trifle" like a hoax of some male trifler.

In another column, an American, desirous of learning French, expresses himself thus:

"An American desires to take French lessons of a French lady, young, well-bred, good-looking, and of a lively disposition."

A tempting offer for my countrywomen.

A journalist in the ranks of the unemployed naively addresses himself to the editors of American papers:

"A journalist without children, and total abstainer, wishes to obtain a situation as reporter. Writes leaders, general gossip, interviews, literary musical, and dramatic criticisms, and police-court reports.

Fertile imagination: can make one or two interesting columns out of the smallest incident."

Fertile imagination! This is the most important testimonial for an American journalist.

An apothecary may puff a nerve-calming syrup by announcing that, to be happy in his domestic relations, "a husband should administer a table-spoonful of it to his wife every morning," without great loss of dignity: but it is not the shopkeeper alone who has recourse to such means for keeping himself before the public; much the same thing is done by certain doctors and lawyers. Of course these charlatans are not to be confounded with the numerous lawyers and doctors who are an honour to their professions; but, at any rate, they are men who have pa.s.sed examinations to obtain licence, if not their degree.

There are travelling doctors in America who go from town to town to heal the sick at reduced prices.

Here is the advertis.e.m.e.nt of one of these gentlemen. It is headed with his portrait, and appears in the papers of the towns he operates upon:

"Dr. R. has already remained in M---- longer than he first intended, but at the request of numerous invalids and friends he will extend his stay one week longer. Patients in other towns have been disappointed by his long stay in M----; but they have his a.s.surance that this visit WILL NOT BE EXTENDED BEYOND THE TIME STATED ABOVE."

This stereotyped advertis.e.m.e.nt has a flavour of the drum and cymbals of the mountebank. Walk up, ladies and gentlemen, walk up and show your tongues and have your pulses felt.

Further down, this same medical gentleman falls into the style of the chimney-sweep, anxious to enlarge his connection: "He thanks his many friends and patrons for the kindness and patronage bestowed upon him, and trusts, by pursuance of the same honourable business and professional methods and efforts, to fully merit a continuance of same."

Many a briefless man of the law sends his card around to the occupants of the various prisons. As an improvement upon this, I would suggest (and I do not doubt it has been already done) something in the style of Dr. R.'s puff:

"Mr. X., advocate, presents his compliments to the gentlemen of the light finger, and hopes to be honoured with their confidence. No fees unless the case is won. Mr. X. is eloquent, persuasive, tender, pathetic, impulsive, violent, just as the case may demand. He can disconcert witnesses and touch the jury. Many great criminals owe him their liberty and even their lives."

In the smoking-room of the _Germanic_ one day, an American, who sat near me, said, addressing me:

"I believe you are going to America to lecture, sir?"

"Yes," I replied, "I am."

"Who is booming your show, may I ask?" he said in the most natural way in the world.

I must have stared at him like a rustic, being utterly at a loss to understand what he meant.

Upon getting this Americanism explained, I had the satisfaction of finding that my interlocutor's question simply meant, in English, "Who is your impresario?"

"Well," thought I, "I am going to have a lively time in the States, that's evident: this is a foretaste that is promising." I went to my cabin thinking about the Yankee who was to "boom my show."

The greatest "boomer" in America is the great, the only, the unique Barnum. The personality of this king of showmen is not particularly interesting, except for being typically American, and one that could not exist in any country but America.

Mr. Barnum (Phineas is his baptismal name), pursued by Fate, is every five years the victim of a conflagration. His fires happen with terrible regularity. Whilst I was in America, his tigers and elephants were burnt out of house and home. Scarcely had the flames been extinguished, when there were paragraphs in the papers to say that Mr. Barnum's agent was buying fresh animals for the "biggest show on earth," and all over the walls of America's cities were to be seen flaring posters, representing Phineas Barnum rising from the flames, like a modern Phoenix. Appended was a long literary essay, which began: "Rising Phoenix-like from the ashes of my fifth fire," and setting forth the wonderful attractions of the new show which was to be opened.

Mr. Barnum holds in small esteem the man who lets slip a chance of making money. He would think it quite natural to offer 10,000 francs a week to General Boulanger to show himself in his museum, and would think it very unnatural that the General should refuse such a handsome offer.

The rumour had it that the enterprising Phineas wrote to M. Pasteur some time since to try and engage him. He guaranteed, it is said, 50,000 dollars to the ill.u.s.trious savant if he would inoculate before the American public twice a day. It was not much to ask, and the 50,000 dollars would have been easily earned. Barnum, however, had to content himself with engaging a gentleman in spectacles, resembling more or less the famous master of the Rue d'Ulm, and he succeeded in securing four little Americans whom M. Pasteur had just saved from hydrophobia. They were inoculated (with clear water probably) for a month, in all the princ.i.p.al towns of the States. The Society for the Protection of Animals, which does not include man in its circle of operations, made no objection, and the coffers of the enterprising Phineas overflowed with dollars.

Barnum does not understand how a good offer can be refused. He looks upon everything as being to sell or to let, and the almighty dollar as the master of the world. One day, he took it into his head to make an offer for the house in which Shakespeare was born. The English fired up at the idea, and he had to abandon his project, and be satisfied with "Jumbo."

The Musee Grevin in Paris, and Madame Tussaud's Exhibition in London, are full of celebrities in wax. The dream of Barnum is to exhibit them in the flesh.

If every European nation were to become a republic, the dethroned monarchs could go and make their fortunes in America, and the greatest ambition of Barnum would be realised.

Nothing astonishes an American. That which makes his conversation immensely piquant is the calm, natural tone in which he comes out with statements that fairly take your breath away.

My impresario had just engaged me for a lecture season in the States and Canada.

"I shall have two Europeans on my list for next year," he said, "Mr Charles d.i.c.kens and yourself. I wanted two others, but they were not to be had."

"That is not very flattering," said I; "but who are the two Europeans you cannot get?"

"Mr. Gladstone and Lord Randolph Churchill," replied he quite calmly.

Then, suppressing the words "Mr." and "Lord," according to the habit of his countrymen, he added with a sigh:

"Yes, Gladstone would have made a lump, and Churchill would have been an elegant success."

CHAPTER x.x.xVI.

_Railways.--Vestibule Trains.--Hotels on Wheels.--Windows and Ventilators, and their Uses.--Pitiless Firemen.--Conductors and their Functions.--A Traveller's Perplexity.--Rudeness of Railway Servants.--The Actress and the Conductor.--An Inquisitive Traveller.--A Negro in a Flouris.h.i.+ng Way.--Commerce on board the Cars.--"Apples, Oranges, Bananas!"--The Negro Compartment.--Change of Toilette.--"Mind your own business."_

The Americans have suppressed distances by bringing railway trains to perfection.