The So-called Human Race Part 10

ACADEMY NOTES.

Sir: If there is a school of expression connected with the Academy I nominate for head of it Elizabeth Letzkuss, princ.i.p.al of the Greene school, Chicago.

Calcitrosus.

Members of the Academy will be pleased to know that their fellow-Immortal, Mr. Gus Wog, was elected in North Dakota.

We regret to learn that one of our Immortals, Mr. Tinder Tweed, of Harlan, Ky., has been indicted for shooting on the highway.

TO MARY GARDEN--WITH A POSTSCRIPT.

So wonderful your art, if you preferred Drayma to opry, you'd be all the mustard; For you (ecstatic pressmen have averred) Have Sarah Bernhardt larruped to a custard.

So marvelous your voice, too, if you cared With turns and trills and tra-la-las to dazzle, You'd have (enraptured critics have declared) All other singers beaten to a frazzle.

So eloquent your legs, were it your whim To caper nimbly in a cla.s.sic measure, Terpsich.o.r.e (entranced reviewers hymn) Would swoon upon her lyre for very pleasure.

If there be aught you _cannot_ do, 'twould seem The world has yet that something to discover.

One has to hand it to you. You're a scream.

And 'tis a joy to watch you put it over.

_Postscriptum._

If there be any test you can't survive, The present test will mean your crucifying; But I am laying odds of eight to five That you'll come thro' with all your colors flying.

It is chiefly a matter of temperament. And more impudence and a.s.surance is required to crack a safe or burglarize a dwelling than to cancel a s.h.i.+pment of goods in order to avoid a loss; but one is as honest a deed as the other. Or it would be better to say that one is as poor policy as the other. For it is not claimed that man is an honest animal; it is merely agreed that honesty profits him most in the long run.

ACADEMY JOTTINGS.

J. P. W.: "I present Roley Akers of Boone, Ia., as director of the back-to-the-farm movement."

C. M. V.: "For librarian to the Immortals I nominate Mrs. Bessie Hermann Twaddle, who has resigned a similar position in Tulare county, California."

This world cannot be operated on a sentimental basis. The experiment has been made on a small scale, and it has always failed; on a large scale it would only fail more magnificently. People who are naturally kind of heart, and of less than average selfishness, wish that the impossible might be compa.s.sed, but, unless they are half-witted, or are paid agitators, they recognize that the impossible is well named.

Self-interest is the core of human nature, and before that core could be appreciably modified, if ever, the supply of heat from the sun would be so reduced that the n.o.blest enthusiasm would be chilled. The utmost achievable in this sad world is an enlightened self-interest. This we expect of the United States when the peace makers gather. Anything more selfish would be a reproach to our professed principles. Anything less selfish would be a reproach to our intelligence.

I SHOT AN ARROW INTO THE AIR, IT WENT RIGHT THROUGH MISS BURROUGHS' HAIR.

[From the Dallas Bulletin.]

We quote Miss Burroughs: "I don't think B. L. T. is so good any more--it takes an intelligent person to comprehend his meaning half the time."

The world is running short of carbonic acid, the British a.s.sociation is told by Prof. Petrie. "The decomposition of a few more inches of silicates over the globe will exhaust the minute fraction of carbonic acid that still remains, and life will then become impossible." But cheer up. The Boston Herald a.s.sures us that "there is no immediate cause of alarm." Nevertheless we are disturbed. We had figured on the sun growing cold, but if we are to run out of carbonic acid before the sun winds up its affairs, a little worry will not be amiss. However, everybody will be crazy as a hatter before long, so what does it matter?

Ten years ago Forbes Winslow wrote, after studying the human race and the lunacy statistics of a century: "I have no hesitation in stating that the human race has degenerated and is still progressing in a downward direction. We are gradually approaching, with the decadence of youth, a near proximity to a nation of madmen."

AS JOYCE KILMER MIGHT HAVE SAID.

[Kit Morley in the New York Evening Post.]

"_The Chicago Tribune owns forests of pulp wood._"

--Full-page advt.

I think that I shall never see Aught lovely as a pulpwood tree.

A tree that grows through sunny noons To furnish sporting page cartoons.

A tree whose fibre and whose pith Will soon be Gumps by Sidney Smith,

And make to smile and eke _ha ha!_ go The genial people of Chicago.

A tree whose grace, toward heaven rising, Men macerate for advertising--

A tree that lifts her arms and laughs To be made into paragraphs....

How enviable is that tree That's growing pulp for B. L. T.

"Remake the World" is a large order--too large for statesmen. Two lovers underneath the Bough may remake the world, remold it nearer to the heart's desire--or come as near to it as possible; but not a gathering of political graybeards. For better or worse the world is made; all we can do is modify it here and there.

THE SECOND POST

[A Swedish lady seeks congenial employment.]

Madam: A few days ago I were happy enough to meet Mrs. J. Hansley and she told me that you migh possible want to engauge a lady to work for you. I am swede, in prime of like, in superb health, queite of habits, and can handle a ordinary house. I can give references as to characktar. If you want me would you kindly write and state wadges. Or if you don't, would you do a stranger a favour and put me in thuch wit any friend that want help. I hold a very good situation in a way, but I am made to eat in the kitchen and made to feel in every way that I am a inferior. I dont like that. I dont want a situation of that kind. They are kind to me most sertainly in a way, but as I jused to be kind to my favorite saddle horse. I dont want that kind of soft soap. Yours very respecktfully, etc.

A WISCONSIN PARABLE.