The So-called Human Race Part 27

"THE FRIEND OF THE PEOPLE."

Old Amicus Pop Is the friend of the Wop, The friend of the c.h.i.n.k and the Harp, The friend of all nations And folk of all stations, The friend of the shark and the carp.

He sits in his chair With his feet on the table, And lists to the prayer Of Minerva and Mabel, Veritas, Pro Bono, Taxpayer, and the rest, Who wail on his shoulder and weep on his breast.

Old Amicus Pop Is the solace and prop Of all who are weary of life.

He straightens the tangles And jangles and wrangles That breed in this city of strife.

Whatever your "beef,"

You may pour him an earful; Unbottle your grief Be it ever so tearful.

Oh, weep all you wish--he is there with the mop.

Bring all of your troubles to Amicus Pop.

When we think of the countless thousands who peruse this Cro'-nest of Criticism, a feeling of responsibility weighs heavily upon us, and almost spoils our day. Frezzample, one writes from St. Paul: "We have twenty confirmed readers of the Line in this 'house.'" The quotation marks disturb us. Can it be a sanitarium?

Most of the trouble in this world is caused by people who do not know when they are well off. The Germans did not know when they were well off. Your cook, who left last week, as little apprehended her good fortune. Nor will the Filipinos be happy till they get it.

Those who stand in awe of persons with logical minds will be rea.s.sured by Henry Adams' pertinent reflection that the mind resorts to reason for want of training. His definition of philosophy is also rea.s.suring: "Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems."

Among those who have guessed at the meaning of "the freedom of the seas"

was Cowper:

"Without one friend, above all foes, Britannia gives the world repose."

Maxwell Bodenheim has published a book of poems, and the critics allow that Max Boden's brays are bonnie.

IF YOU MUST KISS, KISS THE DOCTOR.

[From "How to Avoid Influenza."]

Avoid kissing, as this habit readily transmits influenza. If physician is available, it is best to consult him.

QUICK, WATSON, THE PLUMBER!

[From the Cedar Rapids Gazette.]

Mrs. T. M. Dripps gave a dinner Friday in honor of Mrs. D. L. Leek of South Dakota.

"Kind Captain, I've important information." Mr. Honkavaarra runs an automobile livery in Palmer, Mich.

"The first child, Lord Blandford, was born in 1907; the second was born in 1898."--Chicago American.

This so annoyed the Duke, that a reconciliation was never possible.

When your friend points with pride to a picture that, in your judgment, leaves something to be desired, or when he exhibits the latest addition to his family, you may be perplexed to voice an opinion that will satisfy both him and your conscience. An artist friend of ours is never at a loss. If it is a picture, he exclaims, "Extraordinary!" If it is an infant, he remarks, "_There +is+ a baby!_"

He might add, with the English wit, "one more easily conceived than described."

The advantages of a cla.s.sical education are so obvious that the present-day battle in its behalf seems a waste of energy. Frezzample, without a cla.s.sical education how could you appreciate the fact that Mr.

Odessey is now running a Noah's Ark candy kitchen in St. Peter, Wis.?

One may believe that the "gift of healing" is nothing more than the application of imaginary balm to non-existent disease, but if one says so he gets into a jolly row with people who consider an open mind synonymous with credulity. Our own state of mind was accurately described by Charles A. Dana: "I don't believe in ghosts," said he, "but I've been afraid of them all my life."

The congregation will rise and sing:

Bill Bryan's heart is a-mouldering in the grave, But his lungs go marching on.

The astronomer Hamilton "made an expedition to Dublin to subst.i.tute a semi-colon for a colon"; but, reports J. E. R., "my wife's brother's brother-in-law's doctor charged him $600 for removing only part of a colon."

Few readers realize how much time is expended in making certain that commas are properly distributed. Thomas Campbell walked six miles to a printer's to have a comma in one of his poems changed to a semi-colon.

Following a bout with the gloves, a Seattle clubman is reported "in a state of comma." A doctor writes us that infection by the colon bacillus can be excluded, but we should say that what the patient needs is not a doctor but a proof reader.

"She played Liszt's Rhapsodie No. 2 with remarkable speed," relates the Indianapolis News. In disposing of Liszt's Rhapsodies it is all right to step on the accelerator, as the sooner they are finished the better.