The So-called Human Race Part 53

A Chippewa Falls advertiser offers for sale "six Leghorn roosters and one mahogany settee." And we are requested to ascertain whether the settee is a Rhode Island Red or a Brown Leghorn.

A Rotary club is being formed in the Academy by the Rev. Rodney Roundy of the American Missionary a.s.sociation.

What do you mean "prosperity"? Even the Nonquit Spinning Co. of New Bedford has shut down.

Joseph Conrad's latest yarn is the essence of romance. But what is romance? For years we have sought a definition in ten words; but while romance is easily recognized, it is with difficulty defined. Walter Raleigh came the nearest to it in a recent essay. "Romance," said he, "is a love affair in other than domestic surroundings." This would seem also to be the opinion of a West Virginia editor, who, reporting a marriage, noted that "the couple were made man and wife while sitting in a buggy, and this fact rendered somewhat of a romantic aspect to the wedding."

MY LOVE, DID YOU KNOW THERE WERE SO MANY KINDS OF MAIDS?

[From the Derbys.h.i.+re Advertiser.]

Mrs. Reeves requires--Cooks, 18 to 50, with Kitchenmaids, Scullerymaids, Betweenmaids, and Single-handed; Upper, Single-handed, Second, Under Parlourmaids 14 to 40; Head, Single-handed, Equal, First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth and Under Housemaids, good wages; Ladies' Maids, Useful Maids, Maid-Attendants, Maids, Housemaids, House-Sewingmaids, 18 to 30; Chambermaids, Housemaids, Stillroom-maids, Pantry-maids, Cooks, 20 to 52; Kitchenmaids, 12 to 30; Staffmaids, Hallmaids, etc.

A yarn about a clean Turk reminded W. D. W. of a story that came straight from Gallipoli; and in running over the files of the Line we happened on it. Some British officers were arguing as to which had the stronger odor, the regimental goat or a Turk. It was agreed to submit the matter to a practical test, with the Colonel as referee. The goat was brought in, whereupon the Colonel fainted. A Turk was then brought in, whereupon the goat fainted.

As confirming that goat and Turk story, the following extract from a British soldier's letter, explaining the retreat before Bagdad, is submitted:

"We had been pursuing the Turks for several weeks, and victory was within our grasp, when the wind changed."

As a variant for "loophound," may we suggest "prominent hound about town"?

The Isle of Yap, the Isle of Yap, Where burning Sappho never sung!

You ain't so much upon the map, But Uncle Samuel murmurs, "Stung!"

"After submitting a contribution, how long must one remain in suspense?"

asks E. L. W. That, sir, depends, as has been well said. But you would be safe in a.s.suming, after, say, three months, that the contribution has been mislaid.

THE SECOND POST.

[Result of a collection letter that drew a sum on account.]

"Don't get peevish about this. I have a wife and large family. More coming."

Heard in the Fort Des Moines Hotel: "Call for Mrs. Rugg! Call for Mrs.

Rugg! Is she on the floor?"

YES, SOMETIMES WE THROW THE WHOLE MAIL AWAY WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT.

[From the Madison State Journal.]

It isn't "B. L. T." and "F. P. A." that makes the respective columns of these most celebrated of the "conductors" great. It is their daily mail.

It comes to them in great bags. They open enough letters to fill that day's column, and consign thousands, unopened, to the waste basket.

There is a fortune to some newspaper syndicate in the unopened mail of "B.L.T." and "F.P.A."

A limousine delegate from the Federated Order of Line Scribes has waited on us to present the demands of the organization, among which are (1) recognition of the union; (2) appointing a time and place for meeting with a business committee to determine on a system of collective bargaining for Line material; (3) allowing the Order to have a voice in the management of the column. A prompt compliance with the demands of the Order failing, a strike vote will be ordered.

We have never limited the output of a contributor; the union will. No matter how excellent the idea, no matter how inspired the contrib may be to amplify it, he will not be permitted to do more than a certain amount of work per day. However brilliant he may be, he will be held down to the level of the most pedestrian performer. In unionizing, moreover, he will be only exchanging one tyrant for another, and perhaps not so benevolent a one. Now, then, go to it, as the emperor said to the gladiators.

ALL RIGHT, DAISY.

Dear B. L. T., pray take this hint: I shrink to see my name in print, The agate line--O please!--for me.

I sign myself just--

Daisy B.

THE SHY AND LOWLYS.

I'm modest and meek, And not a bit pus.h.i.+ng.

Please set in Antique, Or 14 point Cus.h.i.+ng.

Iris.

HE MIGHT TRIM THE VIOLETS.

Sir: Could you find an inconspicuous job around the Academy for a bashful man like Mr. Jess Mee, whom we had the pleasure of encountering in Toulon, Ill.?