Grimm Tales Made Gay Part 2

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He frequently stated Such quite antiquated And singular doctrines as these: _"Do good unto others!

All men are your brothers!"_ (Of course he forgot the Chinese!) He said that all men were made equal and free, (That's true if they're born on _our_ side of the sea!) That truth should be spoken, And pledges unbroken: (Now where, by that token, would most of us be?)

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One day, as his pottage He ate in his cottage, A fairy stepped up to the door; Upon it she hammered, And meekly she stammered: "A morsel of food I implore."

He gave her sardines, and a biscuit or two, And she said in reply, when her luncheon was through, "In return for these dishes Of bread and of fishes The first of your wishes I'll make to come true!"

That nincomp.o.o.p peasant Accepted the present, (As most of us probably would,) And, thinking her bounty To turn to account, he Said: "_Now_ I'll do somebody good!

I won't ask a thing for myself or my wife, But I'll make all my neighbors with happiness rife.

Whate'er their conditions, Henceforward, physicians And indispositions they're rid of for life!"

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These words energetic The fairy's prophetic Announcement brought instantly true: With singular quickness Each victim of sickness Was made over, better than new, And people who formerly thought they were doomed With almost obstreperous healthiness bloomed, And each had some plat.i.tude, Teeming with grat.i.tude, For the new att.i.tude life had a.s.sumed.

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Our friend's satisfaction Concerning his action Was keen, but exceedingly brief.

The wrathful condition Of every physician In town was surpa.s.sing belief!

Professional nurses were plunged in despair, And chemists shook pa.s.sionate fists in the air: They called at his dwelling, With violence swelling, His greeting repelling with arrogant stare.

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They beat and they battered, They slammed and they shattered, And did him such serious harm, That, after their labors, His wife told the neighbors They'd caused her excessive alarm!

They then set to work on his various ills, And plied him with liniments, powders, and pills, And charged him so dearly That all of them nearly Made double the yearly amount of their bills.

_This Moral_ by the tale is taught:-- The wish is father to the thought.

(We'd oftentimes escape the worst If but the thinking part came first!)

How Hop O' My Thumb Got Rid of an Onus

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A worthy couple, man and wife, Dragged on a discontented life: The reason, I should state, That it was dest.i.tute of joys, Was that they had a dozen boys To feed and educate, And nothing such patience demands As having twelve boys on your hands!

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For twenty years they tried their best To keep those urchins neatly dressed And teach them to be good, But so much labor it involved That, in the end, they both resolved To lose them in a wood, Though nothing a parent annoys Like heartlessly losing his boys!

So when their sons had gone to bed, Though bitter tears the couple shed, They laid their little plan.

"_Faut b'en que ca s'fa.s.se. Quand meme_,"

The woman said, "_J'en suis tout' bleme._"

"_ca colle!_" observed the man, "_Mais ca coute, que ces gosses fichus!

B'en, quoi! Faut qu'i's soient perdus!_"

(I've quite omitted to explain That they were natives of Touraine; I see I must translate.) "Of course it must be done, and still,"

The wife remarked, "it makes me ill."

"You bet!" replied her mate: "But we've both of us counted the cost, And the kids simply _have_ to be lost!"

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But, while they plotted, every word The youngest of the urchins heard, And winked the other eye; His height was only two feet three.

(I might remark, in pa.s.sing, he Was little, but O My!) He added: "I'd better keep mum."

(He was foxy, was Hop O' My Thumb!)

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They took the boys into the wood, And lost them, as they said they should, And came in silence back.

Alas for them! Hop O' My Thumb At every step had dropped a crumb, And so retraced the track.

While the parents sat mourning their fate He led the boys in at the gate!

He placed his hand upon his heart, And said: "You think you're awful smart, But I have foiled you thus!"

His parents humbly bent the knee, And meekly said: "H. O. M. T., You're one too much for us!"

And both of them solemnly swore "We won't never do so no more!"

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_The Moral_ is: While I do not Endeavor to condone the plot, I still maintain that one Should have no chance of being foiled, And having one's arrangements spoiled By one's ingenious son.

If you turn down your children, with pain, Take care they don't turn up again!

How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard Made Free with a Door

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A maiden from the Bosphorus, With eyes as bright as phosphorus, Once wed the wealthy bailiff Of the caliph Of Kelat.

Though diligent and zealous, he Became a slave to jealousy.

(Considering her beauty, 'Twas his duty To be that!)

When business would necessitate A journey, he would hesitate, But, fearing to disgust her, He would trust her With his keys, Remarking to her prayerfully: "I beg you'll use them carefully.

Don't look what I deposit In that closet, If you please."

It may be mentioned, casually, That blue as lapis lazuli He dyed his hair, his lashes, His mustaches, And his beard.

And, just because he did it, he Aroused his wife's timidity: Her terror she dissembled, But she trembled When he neared.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _This shows how grim Blue-Beard, when bound on a bat, Instructed his wife on the key of a flat!_]