Grimm Tales Made Gay Part 8

Matilda Maud Mackenzie frankly hadn't any chin, Her hands were rough, her feet she turned invariably in; Her general form was German, By which I mean that you Her waist could not determine To within a foot or two: And not only did she stammer, But she used the kind of grammar That is called, for sake of euphony, askew.

From what I say about her, don't imagine I desire A prejudice against this worthy creature to inspire.

She was willing, she was active, She was sober, she was kind, But she _never_ looked attractive And she _hadn't_ any mind!

I knew her more than slightly, And I treated her politely When I met her, but of course I wasn't blind!

Matilda Maud Mackenzie had a habit that was droll, She spent her morning seated on a rock or on a knoll, And threw with much composure A smallish rubber ball At an inoffensive osier By a little waterfall; But Matilda's way of throwing Was like other people's mowing, And she never hit the willow-tree at all!

[Ill.u.s.tration: _This serves in the easiest way to explain What is meant by taking an aim in vain._]

One day as Miss Mackenzie with uncommon ardor tried To hit the mark, the missile flew exceptionally wide, And, before her eyes astounded, On a fallen maple's trunk Ricochetted, and rebounded In the rivulet, and sunk!

Matilda, greatly frightened, In her grammar unenlightened, Remarked: "Well now I ast yer! Who'd 'er thunk?"

But what a marvel followed! From the pool at once there rose A frog, the sphere of rubber balanced deftly on his nose.

He beheld her fright and frenzy, And, her panic to dispel, On his knee by Miss Mackenzie He obsequiously fell.

With quite as much decorum As a speaker in a forum He started in his history to tell.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

"Fair maid," he said, "I beg you, do not hesitate or wince, If you'll promise that you'll wed me, I'll at once become a prince; For a fairy old and vicious An enchantment round me spun!"

Then he looked up, unsuspicious, And he saw what he had won, And in terms of sad reproach he Made some comments, _sotto voce_,*

* (Which the publishers have bidden me to shun!)

Matilda Maud Mackenzie said, as if she meant to scold: "I _never_! Why, you forward thing! Now ain't you awful bold!"

Just a glance he paused to give her, And his head was seen to clutch, Then he darted to the river, And he dived to beat the Dutch!

While the wrathful maiden panted: "I don't think he was enchanted!"

(And he really didn't look it overmuch!)

[Ill.u.s.tration]

_The Moral_: In one's language one conservative should be: Speech is silver, and it never should be free!

[Ill.u.s.tration]

_How the Peaceful Aladdin Gave Way to His Madness_

His name was Aladdin.

The clothes he was clad in Proclaimed him an Arab at sight, And he had for a chum An uncommonly rum Old afreet, six cubits in height.

This person infernal, Who seemed so fraternal, At bottom was frankly a scamp: His future to sadden, He gave to Aladdin A wonderful magical lamp.

A marvel he dubbed it.

He said if one rubbed it One's wishes were done on the spot.

Now what would you do Were it offered to you?

Refuse it undoubtedly (not)!

It's thus comprehensive With pleasure extensive Aladdin accepted the gift, And, by it befriended, Erected a splendid Chateau, with a bath and a lift!

Not dreaming of malice, One year in his palace He led a luxurious life, Till his genius dread Put it into his head That he needed a beautiful wife.

Responding to friction, The lamp this affliction At once for Aladdin secured; The latter, delighted, Imagined he sighted A future of quiet a.s.sured.

When gladly he chose her, He didn't suppose her A philatelist, always agape For novelties, yet She had all of the set Of triangular stamps of the Cape.

Some people malicious Proclaimed her Mauritius One-penny vermilion a sell.

But that was all rot. It Was true she had got it, And the tuppenny blue one as well!

Since thus she collected, As might be expected, She didn't for _bric-a-brac_ care, So she traded the lamp For an Ecuador stamp That somebody told her was rare!

This act served to madden The mind of Aladdin, But, 'spite of his impotent wrath, His manor-house vanished, To nothingness banished, And while he was taking a bath!

[Ill.u.s.tration]

The average Arab Is hard as a scarab When some one has wounded his pride, So he jumped up and down, With a cynical frown, On the _face_ of his beautiful bride!

He had picked up a cargo Of curious _argot_ While living in Paris the gay; In the slang of that city He cried without pity: _"Comme ca tu me fich'ras la paix!"_

[Ill.u.s.tration]

_The Moral:_ When stamps you're adept on Of risks you are reckless, and yet Beware! If your face is once stepped on, That's the last stamp you're likely to get!

_How a Fisherman Corked up His Foe in a Jar_

A fisherman lived on the sh.o.r.e, (It's a habit that fishers affect,) And his life was a hideous bore: He had nothing to do but collect Continual harvests of seaweed and sh.e.l.ls, Which he stuck upon photograph frames, To sell to the guests in the summer hotels With the quite inappropriate names!

[Ill.u.s.tration]

He would wander along by the edge Of the sea, and I know for a fact From the pools with a portable dredge He would curious creatures extract: And, during the season, he always took lots Of tourists out fis.h.i.+ng for ba.s.s, And showed them politely impossible spots, In the culpable way of his cla.s.s.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

It happened one day, as afar He roved on the glistening strand, That he chanced on a curious jar, Which lay on a hummock of sand.

It was closed at the mouth with a cork and a seal, And over the top there was tied A cloth, and the fisherman couldn't but feel That he ought to see what was inside.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _This shows us the fisher beginning to blow Of preserving himself while he pickled his foe._]

But what were his fear and surprise When the stopper he held in his hand!

For a genie of singular size Appeared in a trice on the sand, Who said in the roughest and rudest of tones: "A monster you've foolishly freed!

I shall simply make way with you, body and bones, And that with phenomenal speed!"

The fisherman looked in his face, And answered him boldly: "My friend, How you ever were packed in that s.p.a.ce Is something I don't comprehend.

Pray do me the favor to show me how you Can do it, as large as you are."

The genie retorted: "That's just what I'll do!"