"Same old Bill, eh Mable!" Part 4

His helmet was so big it looked more like a tin sunbonnet. He was just a kid an the scardest one I ever seen. We didnt have time to soovenir him. Somebody just planted him an awful kick that sent him across the barb wire an out of sight thru the fog in the direcshun of our lines.

"HIS HELMET LOOKED LIKE A TIN SUNBONNET"

Something else moved up ahead. We yelled at it but it didnt say nothin so a couple of doboys dropped down an fired. We pa.s.sed him a minit later. He was layin on his back with one arm still floppin a little like a fello thats restless in his sleep.

We were right in the Fritz trenches now. They were the ones Id seen a few days before from the observashun post. Everybody seemed to have cleared out except a few that was beyond clearin. There machine guns was layin around still hot. The doboys just distributed a few b.u.ms into the dug-outs like salvashun army tracks. Then we climed out an went on.

The woods werent more than half a minit from the trenches. We ran right into them before we knew it. Everybody just busted into the bushes but I tell you Mable, it was worse than takin a cold bath in winter. I expected to fall into a machine gun nest any minit. n.o.body tried to stop us tho. It looked as tho theyd all beat it. Pretty soon I came to a road all made out of boards. Id lost the Lootenant and the Major by this time but there was a lot of doboys around an it looked as tho the show was all over anyway. Just as we stepped out on the road about a dozen Fritzes came runnin down with there hands floppin over there heads an blattin like the first one had. Some doboy made a pa.s.s at one of them with a bayonet just for fun. He started to whine like a kid. No matter how scared I ever get Mable Ill never be as scared as these Fritzes an thats sayin a goodeel.

Things seemed pretty well over so I stopped to help the doboys soovenir this bunch. I just took a few b.u.t.tons an a helmet offen one. He had red hair. Most of them wanted us to take everything they had. Then I started up the road to see if I could find the Lootenant an the Major an a looger pistel. There was a bunch of us all together. I dont know just how it happened but I guess there must have been a machine gun planted at a bend in the road just ahead of us. It cut loose as soon as the last prisoner had started for the rear. I could hear those old pills whisselin thru there teeth at me as they went past. A couple of the doboys dropped without lettin out a sound an I made a move that would have deceived the quickest eye. I never saw a road cleared so quick in my life. An there I lay beside the board road, Mable, lissenin to the machine gun bullets playin she loves me she loves me not with the daisies over my head.

I hated to lose that helmet havin taken it off the Fritz myself an he havin red hair an the like. So I slipped it into an openin under the road. Then I noticed everybody else crawlin away thru the bushes so I crawled after them havin nothin else to do.

After Id crawled till it seemed like I must be pretty near out of the woods an the knees of my trousers I stood up. When I looked around for the doboys there wasnt any. All I could hear was rivitin machines an sh.e.l.ls bustin all around me. An the bullets was criss-crossin thru the bushes like a bunch of draggin flies. It seemed like a useless place for an artilery fello to be in.

Well, Mable, Im goin to quit now cause one of the doboy runners is goin back an I want to give him this letter. I am enclosin some mud I picked up in n.o.bodies Land. It may help to give you some idear of the country.

Yours to the last Fritz Bill

Dere Mable: I never thought Id be ritin such long letters that Id have to be gettin them off my chest on the instalment plan. Ive sharpened my pencil so ofen there aint hardly enuff left to hang onto. There sh.e.l.lin the woods today. Every time one lands anywhere near the dug out something seems to break the point.

Well, Mable, in my last letter I left myself standin all alone in the middle of the woods lissenin to a lot of things flyin round my head that arent in no bird book. I was beginnin to think wether, havin lost the Lootenant an the Major, I hadnt ought to go back to my battery. Duty before plesure. Thats me all over, Mable. Just then I heard someone comin thru the woods.

That was the worst minit of my life except once when I had to make a speech in High School. I decided if it was goin to be my last Id spend it as private as I could so I stepped behind a bush. Whoever was comin seemed to have the spring halt. Hed come a little way. Then hed stop. Then hed come a little. I couldnt figger where I had any call to act as a Fritz recepshun comittee so I started to crawl away. Just as I stuck my head around the bush I saw something that made me lie down agen so hard I bet the ground is still stamped with the eagels on my b.u.t.tons. It was only the end of a shoe pa.s.sin thru the brush about fifteen feet away. There are times tho when an old shoe can look worse than your granfathers gost sittin on the end of your bed makin faces at you.

"I STUCK MY HEAD AROUND THE BUSH"

I lay there for what seemed like a couple of days. I didnt dare roll over on my back for fear of makin a noise an I didnt dare stay on my face for fear of somebody makin a pincushun out of me while I wasnt lookin. I was tryin to think out some way of not doin ether when the queerest noise you ever heard started on the other side of the bush. It was like water comin back into a facet after its been shut off for a while. I could feel my tin derby pull right up offen my head. The noise kept gettin loud an ended up with a sneeze. You couldnt have lifted me higher with a sh.e.l.l. I never was gladder tho to hear a sneeze cause I knew who that belonged to. I could have told it blindfolded in a milyun.

I was so glad to find Angus I forgot he didnt know I was there an ran around the bush. He was lying in a bunch of briars all red in the face from trying to hold in. When he heard me comin he threw up both hands. Then when he saw who it was he tried to make out he was stretchin.

Angus said hed been crawlin around the woods tryin to find somebody till he saw me duck behind a bush. Hed been layin there ever since tryin to decide wether to shoot me an take a chance on missin or lay there till I died a natshural death. It was easy to see tho that we wouldnt win anything but a wooden cross hangin round there so we walked thru the woods till we ran into about twenty doboys. One of them said they was after a machine gun nest that was holdin things up. Even that was better than snoopin around alone an we followed along like a couple of dogs after a parade.

Well, Mable, the doboys is ether awful brave or awful stupid. They might have been after birds nests the way they went at it. n.o.body but me seemed to figger that we might be comin up in front of that machine gun insted of behind it. It was just beginnin to strike me that this didnt have much to do with an artilery runner when a couple of the doboys off to one side began throwin hand grenades. I heard a lot of cussin an when we got up there was five Fritzes standin in a pit with a machine gun. There hands was up in the air except for a couple that didnt count.

It was the first time Id seen them doin any real soldierin. An do you know, Mable, there wasnt a woman among em. They wasnt even chained to there guns. Theres something wrong with this war or else the styles are changin.

One of the doboys took them back. They were a pretty poor lot an didnt have anything worth while with them. The doboys seemed to have some idear where they were goin so we stuck along. They went down in a few dug outs. In one of them we found six Fritzes an four looger pistels. That made everybody feel pretty good except the fellos that was left out. They voted solid it was a rotten show. The machine guns was off more to one side now but it seemed like they was throwin a lot of sh.e.l.ls around without much regard to where we was.

We came out on a road an ran into a doboy Captin an two or three men. Havin nothin better to do we followed him. He turned up a little railroad track like the one that used to run around the county fair for a dime. It twisted along thru the woods without seemin to come out much of anyplace. Then we came round a bend an about fifty yards away was a gang of Fritzes stokin sh.e.l.ls into four whoppin big guns as fast as they could fire them out.

The next thing I knew I was runnin down that little track behind the Captin. Quite a ways behind, Mable. Everybody was cussin like a mule-skinner. Angus was sayin things in Skotch I bet hed hate to have rote down as his last words. But the Fritzes didnt seem to have no idear of makin them that. They stopped for one look an dove in the bushes like a bunch of rabbits. All except a few that was to scared to run. They just stood an gobbled at us.

It seemed to me wed done something worth sittin around an havin a postmortem about. But the Captin just rote the name of his company on one of the guns with a piece of chalk. Then he lit his pipe an started off down the track agen. We came out on a road after a while an there was the Major an a whole lot of doboys. The doboys was sittin on the railroad track, smokin cigarets an watchin the sh.e.l.ls bust in the woods all around them like they was at a baseball game. A squad of Fritzes was puttin a few of our doboys on stretchers an carryin them off down the road.

Well, Mable, there aint much more to tell. The Major sent me over to a tin house where the Lootenant was. I found him dryin off by an old Fritz stove an eatin somebodies Irun Rashuns. I never could find out when the battle was offishully over. There was machine guns poppin away all the afternoon but n.o.body seemed to be botherin much about them. I guess they just got sick of it an quit. Anyway they were gone by night.

Now were lyin around takin it easy. We fire at the Fritzes all day an they fire back at us. They havnt interfered with my meals yet tho so let them go to it. Every dug out has been turned inside out. I guess the Fritzes dont get charged for losin equipment like we do. From the amount of stuff we found they must get pretty near undressed before they run away.

Ive just been figgerin up the total victory with Angus. We got five loogers, two pair of feel gla.s.ses (one broke), a gold watch that can be fixed, three pocket fulls of b.u.t.tons, a lot of letters we cant read an four belts. As for helmets an gas masks an the like all you got to do is reach your hand out the dug out door. If we could only soovenir a Ford truck to carry all this stuff wed be fixed.

Im goin to quit now an get some sleep. Angus says lay up all you can while you have a chance. Hes laid up enuff to last him the rest of his life since Ive known him.

Yours as long as it lasts Bill

Dere Mable: Ive heard so many sh.e.l.ls floatin over this old wood in the last week that they dont mean much more to me now than the postmans whissel. Only I hope I dont ever hear one stop an turn in here cause I aint hankerin to be evakuated like a pictur puzzle.

Im sleepin with the doboy runners. If you want to know anything about the war thats the place to live.

Yesterday the Lootenant called me over to his dug out an said he was goin to establish a couple of observashun posts. I thanked him an said Id seen all I wanted to so if it was the same to him Id stay in an keep my eye on the soovenirs. As soon as he saw I had something else to do hed have dragged me out if Id only had one leg to walk on.

The Lootenant loaded everything he could think of onto my back. I wouldnt have been surprised if hed ended up by climin on himself. If you could win this war with telescopes an things it would have been over three days after he got into it. We went to a place where the Dutch had built a platform way up in a tree on the edge of the woods. The Lootenant an a doboy oficer climed up. They was up there so long we thought theyd probably found an old machine gun nest an gone to sleep in it.

While we was sittin under the tree plannin how wed improve the army if it was ours we heard an airyplane comin. You could tell by the noise it was flyin low. We figgered if it was a Dutch plane the Lootenants was up a tree more ways than one cause they stuck up above the rest of the woods like a sore thum. Pretty soon we could see it thru the branches an sure enuff there was the irun cross painted on the bottom. It came up to the tree an circled round it. Then it opened up its machine gun at it an flew away with a trail of yellow smoke comin out its hind end.

You ought to have seen those two Lootenants come down. They beat every law of gravity old man Newton ever pa.s.sed. The Lootenant said theyd fixed that observashun post all right an now he was goin to put up another one on the other side of the woods. He thought this next one would be better on the ground.

"YOU OUGHT TO HAVE SEEN THOSE TWO LOOTENANTS COME DOWN"

The next place we stopped was a little clearin on the side of a hill. You could look right across the Moose river an see where our sh.e.l.ls was landin in a grave yard right near a Fritz town. Some of these fellos certinly is there. The Fritzes was gettin back at us by sh.e.l.lin our doboys near where we was workin. Thats the way they do. When we sh.e.l.l the Fritz doboys they come right back at us an sh.e.l.l ours. Its a case of you kick my dog an Ill kick yours. Thats a nice arrangement for everybody but the doboys.

The Lootenant set up a little table an began squintin thru some gla.s.ses like he was goin to lay a railroad thru to Berlin. Then shh-bang an one of those little Hungry Awstrian guns lit in the woods behind us. Those things dont lie around in the sun decidin wether there goin to be duds or not I can tell you. I dont stand around waitin to find out ether. Im gettin so I can drop quicker than a war stock. When that thing lit we was all standin round watchin the Lootenant. When it started distributin itself around there wasnt n.o.body in sight. A couple of others came right after it closer still.

After a while I heard the Lootenant say "Its so comfortable in here I hate to get out." Like he was takin a hot bath or something. Only he didnt fool n.o.body that way. When it looked like the Hungry Awstrians had quit everybody began poppin out of the ground agen. As soon as we was all up shh-bang. Angus cut his eye on a rock in the bottom of a sh.e.l.l hole. h.e.l.l be able to give pointers to Annie Kellerman when he gets home. If he ever gets wounded Ill bet itll be in the sole of the foot.

After that the Lootenant decided he wouldnt keep us out any longer. He was afraid wed miss our mess. The war is changin some people.

Well Mable Ill rite you agen in a few days if I dont get put on detached service with the Angels.

until then yours exclusively Bill

Dere Mable: I suppose you thought I was dead for the last two weeks. You was so near to right a couple of times I wanted to get something definite on it before I rote you. I been havin newmonya now in the hospittle for ten days. I havnt been so sore since I had the mumps Crismus vacashun. After duckin half the sh.e.l.ls the Croup people ever turned out I had to get hit with a cold in the head. I bet I get the chicken pox on my honeymoon.

An now here I am holdin down an irun cot that creeks when you turn over, missin all the fun an not even goin to get a wound stripe. The worst of it they tell me I got as much chance of gettin back to my battery as I havin of catchin the Croun Prince. They say like as not Ill land in some Steva Dora regiment in the SOS or in the M.P.s. They dont seem to have nothin to do in this army but take you from where you want to be an put you where you dont.

But I aint goin to complain, Mable. I told em that after Id been here four days. All I say is if they dont let me out of this hole toot sweet Im goin to get up an beat it an die on the road. Then perhaps theyll wish they had.

Theres not a blessed thing to do but wait for mess an lissen to the fello lie in the next bed. He can make Annie Nias look like Martha Was.h.i.+ngton before hes been talkin five minites. He says that when he got hit the sh.e.l.ls was fallin around him so fast that the only way he saved his life was by deflectin them off with a bayonet. Two of them came at him at once an he got mixed up. I ast him why he didnt catch one on the back of his neck like the fello does the cannon b.a.l.l.s in the vawdeville show. The nurse told me yesterday he got his foot run over by a truck. Everybody spends there time tellin how they used to shake dice with death every mornin before breakfast. It works out all right cause n.o.body believes anybody else an it gives them good practice for when they go home.

Its a funny thing about the fello in the next bed. I came in two days after he did. Four days after he got here he came down with newmonya. I got it two days later. He died last night. But of course that dont necesarily mean nothin. Cheerful an bright to the last gasp. Thats me all over, Mable. Of course I dont want you to worry cause that would make me worry an theres no tellin what that would bring on.

Well, Mable, I got a big surprise for you. I guess itll take a load offen your mind. You know all that stuff we been readin in the war stories about hospittles an the like. It all goes the same. "The next thing the fello knew he was lyin between snowy white sheets an a butiful vizun was bendin over him. She had vilet eyes an was full of tears like shed been cryin or something. An she smooths out his pillo an says 'Your better now.'" That smoothin out the pillo always seems to cure em. Well, Mable, Im sorry to say thats all bunk-every word of it.

When I first heard they were goin to send me to a hospittle behind the lines I didnt care a bit. I wanted to have a look at a vilet eyed nurse. Accordin to the books they usuly turn out to be Dutcheses or somebody. I was plannin to look up in her eyes an say "This must be heven. Do you happen to have any lemonade?" Or something mushy like that. Then shed cry some more an like as not put a stick in the lemonade.

"'DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY LEMONADE?'"

Of course I wouldnt have married her or nothin. In the first place all the churches over here is knocked down an besides I got other plans if I ever get a chance between wars.

The thing started off all wrong by my not bein unconshus when they brought me in. I didnt even ride in on a stretcher. I was a sittin case. They walk. Before I could get into the place at all I had to report to a sargent. He ast me so many questions I thought I must have struck some recruitin stashun an might be enlistin agen. I pretty near had heart failure for a minit. The sargent told me report to Ward 19. You never go anywhere in the army. You report. Theyd have a fello in his coffin report to his grave if they could.

When they built Ward 19 they took all the joy out of it by makin it look like a barracks. Insted of a vilet eyed nurse there was a bleary eyed Captin sittin in a little room in front. He didnt look as if hed been to bed since the war started. I says "Sir, Private Smith reports to be sick in Ward 19." n.o.body cried or looked at me with tears in there eyes. The Captin just says "What the this an that is the matter with those fellos up there do they think this is the only hospittle in France? Lets see your card."