The Magic Pudding Part 11

A box of tacks, some cobbler's wax, Some gum and glycerine-O!

'Gunpowder too, a hob-nailed shoe, He stirred into his pottage; Some Irish stew, a pound of glue, A high explosive sausage.

'The deed was done, that frightful one, With glare of vulture famished, Blew out the light, and in the night Gave several howls, and vanished.

'Our thieving lout, ensconced without, Came through the window slinking; He grabbed the pot and on the spot Began to eat like winking.

'He ate the lot, this guzzling sot-- Such appet.i.te amazes-- Until those high explosives wrought Within his tum a loud report, And blew him all to blazes.

'For him who steals ill-gotten meals Our moral is a good un.

We hope he feels that it reveals The danger he is stood in Who steals a high explosive bomb, Mistaking it for Puddin'.'

[Ill.u.s.tration]

The puddin'-thieves wept loudly while this severe rebuke was being administered, and promised, with sobs, to amend their evil courses, and in the future to abstain from unlawful puddin'-s.n.a.t.c.hing.

'Your words,' said the Possum, 'has pierced our brains with horror and remorse'; and the Wombat added: 'From this time onwards our thoughts will be as far removed from Puddin' as is the thoughts of angels.'

'We have heard that before,' said Bunyip Bluegum; 'but let us hope that this time your repentance is sincere. Let us hope that the tenderness of your snouts will be, if I may be permitted a flight of poetic fancy, a guiding star to lure your steps along the path of virtue--

'For he who finds his evil course is ended By having of his snout severely bended, Along that path of virtue may be sent Where virtuous snouts are seldom ever bent.'

With that the puddin'-thieves went over the hill, the sun went down and evening arrived, punctual to the minute.

'Ah,' said Bill. 'It's a very fortunate thing that evenin's come along at this time, for, if it hadn't, we couldn't have waited dinner any longer. But, before preparin' for a night of gaiety, dance, and song, I have a proposal to put before my feller Puddin'-owners. I propose to invite our friend Ben here to join us round the camp fire. He has proved himself a very decent feller, free with his eggs, and as full of revenge against puddin'-thieves as ourselves.'

'Hospitably spoken,' said Bunyip Bluegum, and the Puddin'-owners sang--

'Come join us we intreat, Come join us we implore, In Friends.h.i.+p's name our guest we claim, And Friends.h.i.+p's name is law.

'We've Puddin' here a treat, We've Puddin' here galore; Do not decline to stay and dine, Our Puddin' you'll adore.

'Our Puddin', we repeat, You really cannot beat, And here are we its owners three Who graciously intreat You'll be at our request, The Puddin'-owners' guest.'

'For these sentiments of esteem, admiration, and respect,' said Ben, 'I thank you. As one market-gardener to three Puddin'-owners, I may say I wouldn't wish to eat the Puddin' of three finer fellers than yourselves.'

With this cordial understanding they set about preparing the camp fire, and the heartiest expressions of friends.h.i.+p were indulged in while the Puddin' was being pa.s.sed round. As Bunyip aptly remarked--

'All Fortune's buffets he can surely pardon her, Who claims as guest our courteous Market Gardener.'

To which Benjimen handsomely replied--

'Still happier he, who meets three Puddin'-owners, Whose Puddin' is the equal of its donors.'

And, indeed, a very pleasant evening they had round the camp fire.

Fourth Slice

'This is what I call satisfactory,' said Bill, as they sat at breakfast next morning. 'It's a great relief to the mind to know that them puddin'-thieves is sufferin' the agonies of remorse, and that our Puddin' is safe from bein' stolen every ten minutes.'

'You're a bun-headed old optimist,' said the Puddin' rudely.

'Puddin'-thieves never suffer from remorse. They only suffer from blighted hopes and suppressed activity.'

'Have you no trust in human nature, Albert?' asked Bill, sternly. 'Don't you know that nothin' gives a man greater remorse than havin' his face punched, his toes trod on, and eggs rubbed in his hair?'

'I have grave doubts myself,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'as to the sincerity of their repentance'; and Ben Brandysnap said that, speaking as a market gardener, his experience of carrot catchers, onion s.n.a.t.c.hers, pumpkin pouncers, and cabbage grabbers induced him to hold the opinion that shooting them with pea-rifles was the only sure way to make them feel remorse.

In fact, as Sam said--

'The howls and groans of pain and grief, The accents of remorse, Extracted from a puddin'-thief Are all put on, of course.'

'Then, all I can say is,' cried Bill, enraged, 'if there's any more of this business of puddin'-thieves, disguised as firemen, stealing our Puddin', and puddin'-thieves, not disguised at all, shovin' bags over our heads, blow me if I don't give up Puddin'-owning in despair and take to keepin' carrots for a livin'.'

The Puddin' was so furious at this remark that they were forced to eat an extra slice all round to pacify him, in spite of which he called Bill a turnip-headed old carrot-cruncher, and other insulting names. However, at length they set out on the road, Bill continuing to air some very despondent remarks.

'For what is the good of havin' a n.o.ble trustin' nature,' said he, 'for every low puddin'-thief in the land to take advantage of? As far as I can see, the only thing to do is to punch every snout we meet, and chance the odds it belongs to a puddin'-thief.'

'Come,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'I see you are not your wonted, good-humoured self this morning. As a means of promoting the general gaiety, I call on you to sing the _Salt Junk Sarah_ without delay.'

This was immediately effective, and Bill with the greatest heartiness roared out--

'Ho, aboard the _Salt Junk Sarah_ Rollin' round the ocean wide, The bo'sun's mate, I grieve to state, He kissed the bo'sun's bride.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

'Rollin' home, rollin' home, Home across the foam; The bo'sun rose and punched his nose And banged him on the dome.'

At about the fifteenth verse they came to the town of Tooraloo, and that put a stop to the singing, because you can't sing in the public streets unless you are a musician or a nuisance. The town of Tooraloo is one of those dozing, snoozing, sausage-shaped places where all the people who aren't asleep are only half awake, and where dogs pa.s.s away their lives on the footpaths, and you fall over cows when taking your evening stroll.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

There was a surprise awaiting them at Tooraloo, for the moment they arrived two persons in bell-toppers and long-tailed coats ran out from behind a fence and fell flat on their backs in the middle of the road, yelling 'Help, help! thieves and ruffians are at work!'

The travellers naturally stared with amazement at this peculiar conduct. The moment the persons in bell-toppers caught sight of them they sprang up, and striking an att.i.tude expressive of horror, shouted:

'Behold the puddin'-thieves!'

[Ill.u.s.tration]

'Behold the what?' exclaimed Bill.

'Puddin'-thieves,' said one of the bell-topperers. 'For well you know that that dear Puddin' in your hand has been stolen from its parents and guardians, which is ourselves.' And the other bell-topperer added, 'Deny it not, for with that dear Puddin' in your hand your guilt is manifest.'

'Well, if this ain't enough to dumbfound a codfish,' exclaimed Bill.

'Here's two total strangers, disguised as undertakers, actually accusin'