Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 57

Two deer are gossiping about a new girl in the office.

"I'm not saying she's promiscuous," says one, "but there's a sign on her desk that reads, 'The buck stops here.'"

Enemies to the west.

A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding.

"How did you fair?" asks the king "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?" shrieked the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," replies the knight. "Well, you do now."

The ashes.

A businessman on his deathbed calls his friend and says, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asks, "What do you want me to do with the ashes?"

The businessman replies, "Put them in an envelope and mail them to the Inland Revenue.

O, and include a note that says, 'Now, you have everything, blood suckers!'"

Did you hear about the new work place scheme to charge people for using the toilets?

It's called, 'pay as you go.'

The Naughty Preacher.

In the deep south of America's Bible belt lived a Baptist minister with a large congregation. One morning he announced, "Friends I've been hearing some very nasty rumours!"

The congregation fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, has been saying that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This is of course a lie! I'd like the guilty party to confess and apologize now - right here - before the congregation."

Sister Margaret quickly stood up and said, "I apologize! I think I know how this rumour started. I mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The patient.

A guy goes to hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stops by to visit him.

The friend is amazed by the number of Nurses that keep attending the room with refreshments, offers to fluff pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention?" the friend asks. "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grins the patient. "But the Nurses have taken a liking to me. Ever since they heard that my circ.u.mcision required twenty st.i.tches."

Q: What do you call an exam you give to criminals?

A: A con-test.

Man pouring c.o.c.ktails: Say when, dear Girlfriend: After the drinks, darling

The ovaries.

Two ovaries are cleaning their house when they hear a knock at the door.

"I'll get it," says the first Ovary. She looks through the Peep hole and says, "Did you order some furniture?"

"No why?" asks the second Ovary.

"Because a couple of nuts have arrived with an organ!"

I'll do any thing.

A female student goes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pa.s.s this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Yes, Anything!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Here's what I want you to do. Go away and study!"

Toast.

A husband and wife notice that their little boy's p.e.n.i.s is very small. So they take the lad to the doctors and express their concern.

"Don't worry," says the Doc. "Just feed the boy lots of toast. That should help."

The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Just take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."

The Lion.

A big lion sneaked up on a bull killed it and ate it. The lion felt good basking in the hot sun with a full belly that he began to roar and roar. A hunter heard lion sneaked up to it and shot it dead.

Moral: When you're full of bull, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of s.e.x?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What's do you call a d.i.c.k shaped bread roll?

A: A Dill-dough.

Q: Why is s.e.x like a game of bridge?

A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.Gasonga Jokes October 2003

The newlyweds.

Two newlyweds are suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advises, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your s.e.x life to those days of the week with an "R" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Sat.u.r.day."

Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.

Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.

Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?"

She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."

The newlyweds 2.

"Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"

"Of course," replies his wife. "But what are you going to live on?"

Change.

"Mom," said the little boy, in from playing. "I think the people who live next door are really, really poor?"