Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 59

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore d.i.c.k and an b.u.t.t full of quarters!

What was that for?

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper and his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a shoe.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching TV again when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"

The wife answered, "Your horse called."

What kind of girl.

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another.

After this and the accompanying small talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a s.l.u.t after 3 drinks, you know!"

"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

Genie.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork stuck in his a.s.s.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your a.s.s?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grantum you one wish."

And I said, "No s.h.i.+t."

The string.

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African tribe whose men all had p.e.n.i.ses 24 inches long.

When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their p.e.n.i.ses and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the p.e.n.i.s to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "What do you say we try the African string and weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his p.e.n.i.s.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal experiment coming?"

"Well, it looks like we're half way there," he replied.

"You've grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

Blondes in s.p.a.ce.

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde are talking one day.

The Russian says, "You know, we were the first in s.p.a.ce!"

The American says, "Well, we were the first on the moon!"

To which the blonde replies, "That's nothing, Blondes are going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looks at each other and smile.

"You can't land on the sun, you'll burn up!" says the Russian.

The Blonde replies, "Duh! We're not stupid! We're going when it's night time!"

Teenage double standards.

A teenage girl comes downstairs after getting ready for a date. She's wearing a see through blouse and has no bra on. Her grandmother says, "You shouldn't go out like that!"

"Loosen up Granny," replies the teenager. "These are modern times and you've got to let your rose buds show!"

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and granny is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die of embarra.s.sment and says, "I've got friends coming over, and you being topless is really not appropriate."

Granny replies, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Q: What's another name for Wife Swapping?

A: Four-Play

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?

A: Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!

The Sunday School Teacher asks little Johnny, "Now, tell me honestly do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," replies Little Johnny, "I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook!"

Little Johnny at Sunday school.

A teacher asks her Sunday school cla.s.s to draw pictures of their favourite bible stories.

But when she looks at some of the work she a little puzzled. One Picture shows four people on an airplane. So she asks little Johnny, "What story is your picture of?"

"The flight to Egypt," replies Johnny. "I see. And that must be Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh," replies Johnny, "that's Pontius - the Pilot!"

Who enjoys it more?

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed s.e.x more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy s.e.x more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with s.e.x?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered, "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

Q: What do you call an empty square sized birdcage?

A: A polygon.

Q: What do you call a parrot with no seed?

A: A Polynomial.

Q: What do you call a German with a sense of Humour?

A: Herr Larious.

"Knock, Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Ve Vill ask Ze Questions!"

Q: What's the difference between E.T. and a Man?

A: E.T. phoned home!

Q: What is the punishment for bigamy?

A: Two mother in Laws.

A Beggar walks up to a well dressed city woman and says, "I haven't eaten anything for four days."

She looks at him and replies, "I admire your will power."