Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 18

MONEY VALUE.

A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various viands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and cents. In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served, which had been grown on his estate, he wearied the company by a careful calculation as to just how much a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinned pleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the request: "I'll thank you to cut me off about $1.87 worth more, please."

MONOGAMY.

The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary: "And you never let your husband beat you?"

"Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to try such a thing!"

The oldest wife nodded understandingly.

"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife."

MONOTONY.

The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.

"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"

"Why, dear, do you want one?"

The child nodded seriously.

"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat."

MORALITY.

The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.

"The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting gra.s.s on the Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven't any lawn-mower."

MOSQUITOES.

The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat peeved.

"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened."

"No," the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps."

A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague of mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a method by which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days before prohibition.

"My old Ma.r.s.e George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholy splendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completely intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull creation. In the mawnin, when Ma.r.s.e George done git up, the skeeters so completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Ma.r.s.e George, ner n.o.body!"

MOTTO.

Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon, in the window of which was a framed sign, reading: "Ici on parle francais."

"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the observers remarked.

To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of a red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish.

One of the men addressed the barkeeper: "Fait beau temps, monsieur."

The barkeeper scowled.

"Come agin!" he demanded.

It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to the establishment.

The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window, explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here."

The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.

"I bought it off a sheeny," he explained, "for six bits. He tould me it was Latin for, 'G.o.d Bless Our Home.'"

MUSIC.

Artemas Ward said: "When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."

The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants where music was provided.

"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."

The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music. The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and presently she spoke eagerly: "Oh, don't it sound grand!"

The young man nodded, and answered: "Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with their hind legs."

The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist: During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the performer, and whispered loudly: "Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"

The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end.

The annoyed patron snorted, and then asked: "Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"

The leader bowed again and beamed.

"Certainly," he replied; "anything you like, sir."

"Then," snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game of checkers while I finish my meal."

NEATNESS.

The j.a.panese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even remove their shoes at the doorway. A j.a.panese student in New York was continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which he lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at the entrance, which read: "Please wipe your feet."

The j.a.panese wrote beneath in pencil: "On going out."

NEIGHBORS.

It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the eminent ba.s.so to sing.

"It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your neighbors."

"Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our dog last week."

NERVES.

The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly tucked in, the little one commented: "It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you."

NIGHTMARE.

"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor inquired. "What is it?"

The suffering man answered: "I dream that I'm married."

"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"

"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a nightmare."

The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest who did not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the fact that this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, and marked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery.

NOMENCLATURE.

The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular: "They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop, an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"

When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded her critically, and then demanded: "Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"

"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds stripped for 'gym.'"

The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted: "Who in thunder is Jim?"

On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary society was prevented by illness from introducing the speaker, and the mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence, and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this observation: "And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have often wondered-what are Keats!"

During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him after the following episode.