Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 12

Same Work.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.

The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can i ask you a question?'

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic staightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at the engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when i finish this will work just like a new one. So how come i get pittiance and you get the really big money, when you and i are doing basically the same work?'

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... 'Try doing it with the engine running!'

Tattoo Parlour.

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1, 000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, 'I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.'

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his p.e.n.i.s.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: 'First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.'

Social Security.

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unb.u.t.ton your s.h.i.+rt."

So he opens his s.h.i.+rt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Globalization.

Question : What is the height of Globalization?

Answer : Princess Diana's death Question : How come?

Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was high on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on j.a.panese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian machines! And this is sent to you by a Indian, using Bill Gates' technology which he stole from the j.a.panese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean made monitors, a.s.sembled by Banglades.h.i.+ workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Pakistani and finally sold to you by Chinamen!

GLOBALIZATION.

The Ultimate Solution.

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with G.o.d. During dinner, G.o.d told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people -Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth!"

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really important announcements to make. First, G.o.d really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."

Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, " I have good news and bad news. The good news is that G.o.d does exist, and the bad news is that He will destroy the Earth tomorrow."

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been solved!"

More Lawyer Jokes.

F. Lee Bailey Love .

What's the difference between F.Lee Bailey and a generalized joke about Lawyers?

One is boorish rude and insensitive, the other is just a joke.

Female Lawyer vs. Pitbull.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

A: Lipstick.

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Man's Christmas.

20 ways to make a man's Christmas at its best!

1. Trim his tree.

2. Lick his luscious candy cane.

3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.

4. Polish his christmas b.a.l.l.s.

5. Ride him like a reindeer.

6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.

7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.

8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.

9. Spark his menorah with a hot strip tease.

10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!

11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.

12. Gift wrap yourself in s.e.xy lingere.

13. Unwrap his package.

14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.

15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.

16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.

17. Heat him up with a snow job.

18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.

19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.

20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.

Sitting In A Bar.

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work c.o.c.ktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, s.e.xy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being rude and staring, the young man said to her "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to so, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse five $20 bills, which she slowly counted into the young man's outstretched hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said "Clean my house."

Midget.

This guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"Ok, what about her earth?"

Now the owner is getting p.i.s.sed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to thee her t.w.a.t."