Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 40

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that G.o.d doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A philosophy professor stood before his cla.s.s. He had some items on the table in front of him. When the cla.s.s began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

Then the professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your spouse, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then... a young male student stood up and asked the cla.s.s if they were sure that the jar was truly full. All the students and the professor agreed that it was indeed full. When they had all agreed, he reached into his backpack and pulled out a can of beer. Popping it open, he poured the contents into the already "full" jar. Of course the beer filled the remaining s.p.a.ces within the jar making the jar truly full. Which proves that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer!

Even if you pour beer first into the jar, you still can put rocks,pebbles and sand, spilling out the beer. Meaning, even if you accomodate all the room for beer first you can stillthrow it out and get the room for others!

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing G.o.d she asked "Is my time up?" G.o.d said, "No, you have >another 40years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of G.o.d, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" G.o.d replied, "I didn't recognize you."

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission. The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, "Name the famous s.h.i.+p that was sunk by an iceberg?" "Phew, that one's easy," says the teacher, "The t.i.tanic." " Alright," said St.Peter, "you may pa.s.s." Then the thief got his question: "How many died on the t.i.tanic?" The thief replied, "That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people." And so he pa.s.sed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: "Name them."

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new white Williams-BMW right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Williams-BMW appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Did you know that elephants actually have their s.e.xual organs in their feet? Yup, if one steps on you, you're f.u.c.ked.

A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that says, "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper. She nods to the him. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconscious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She starts to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her, she says, "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?" The other blonde replies, "They didn't serve any last year."

Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.? Because people started licking the wrong side.

A boy asked Airtel Girl : What is your speciality? Airtel Girl : Nighttime incoming free!!!

Fred went to his psychiatrist and told him that he suffered from anxiety because he thought he was gay. "What makes you think that?" asked his psychiatrist. "Because my father was gay," replied Fred. "Well, the condition is not pa.s.sed on," said the psychiatrist. "But my brother is gay," insisted Fred. "Well, that doesn't necessarily mean that you are," said the psychiatrist. "My Uncle Jim and my cousin Bob are gay, too," Fred said. "h.e.l.l," said the doctor. "Doesn't anyone in your family have s.e.xual contact with women?" "Yes," replied Fred. "My sister does."

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

John and his wife Mary were having a shower together in their upstairs bathroom when the doorbell rang. Mary heard the bell, got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her, went downstairs, and opened the door. Their neighbor Charlie looked at her from the doorway, and said, "Oh. I see that I got you out of the shower. Sorry about that." "That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?" Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful skin. It's so pink from the shower. Mary, if I was to give you a hundred dollars, would you remove the towel from your upper body?" Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why not, for a hundred bucks, and removed the towel from her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. "Wow," Charlie exclaimed, "they are truly beautiful. Listen, for another hundred bucks would you consider taking the towel all the way off?" "Why not," Mary thought, "that's a lot of money," and she dropped the towel completely to the floor. Charlie had a good look, complimented her again on her fine looking body, reached into his pocket, took out two hundred dollars, gave it to her, and left. As she got back up stairs and was getting back into the shower, John asked her who was at the door. "Just Charlie," she said, as she started to rub his back. "Charlie Eh," said John, "Did he give you the two hundred dollars he owed me?"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North lat.i.tude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude." "You must be a programmer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of yourinformation, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says, "You must be a project manager" "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault!"

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service. During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam." Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities. The guy responds, "Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my nuts off." "Great," responds the interviewer. The disabled Veteran gets preference. "You can start tomorrow morning at 10 AM." "But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 AM?", asks the guy. "Yes, But you don't have to worry, we just stand around and scratch our b.a.l.l.s for the first two hours anyway."

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with b.o.o.bies a lot bigger than ours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!" The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

A guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the f.u.c.king safe!" He yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank." She replies, "We don't have any money, this is a sperm bank." "Don't argue, open the f.u.c.king safe or I'll blow your head off." Demands the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it." "But it's full of sperm!" She replies nervously. "Don't argue, just drink it!" He demands. She pulls the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too!" He demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband. "There, He says, It's not that f.u.c.king difficult is it?"

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. h.e.l.l, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing. Nothing we tried will open this bottle."

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless. "Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. "Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven." Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!" "What do you mean?" says his mother. "Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, "G.o.d, I'm coming! G.o.d, I'm coming!"

LOUD s.e.x : A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my Husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET s.e.x : Tired of a listless s.e.x life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an o.r.g.a.s.m?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

DECEPTIVE s.e.x : A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their pa.s.sion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making pa.s.sionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are gra.s.s stains on your shoes. YOU d.a.m.n LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

CONFOUNDED s.e.x : A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor a.s.sured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY s.e.x : A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you." "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this? "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers. "And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster. "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint". What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a h.o.r.n.y b.a.s.t.a.r.d!"

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have pa.s.sed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks "What?" and he replies "s.e.x!!!" Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was okay. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood! Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!" Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's"

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "s.h.i.+t. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE p.e.n.i.s. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." Sheruns back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red b.u.mps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the h.e.l.l's wrong with your p.e.n.i.s?" The guy pulls his arms out of his s.h.i.+rt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest b.a.l.l.s I have ever seen!" Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them." Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's b.a.l.l.s, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and n.o.body is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has s.e.x with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little fl.u.s.tered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es and he will stop snoring. "Yeah,right," she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by G.o.d, we got first and second place."

Today is my 49th birthday, & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," & probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday". I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember" The children came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low & despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday" And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then, Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside & it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful l day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? "I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable". "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing "Happy Birthday" And there I sat, on the couch, naked!!!

Defense Attorney: "What is your age?"

Little Old Woman: "I am 86 years old."

Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?"

Little Old Woman: "There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a handsome young man comes creeping up on the porch, smiled at me and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: "No, but he sure was friendly and so good looking."

Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down beside you?"

Little Old Woman: "He started to rub my thigh."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"

Little Old Woman: "No, I didn't stop him."

Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Woman: "It felt good. n.o.body had done that since my Abner pa.s.sed away some 30 years ago."

Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Woman: "He began to rub my b.r.e.a.s.t.s."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"

Little Old Woman: "h.e.l.l No, I did not stop him."

Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Woman: "Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!"

Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Woman: "Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my legs and said to him, 'take me, young man, take me!'"

Defense Attorney: "So did he 'take' you?"

Little Old Woman: "h.e.l.l no. That's when he yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot the son of a b.i.t.c.h!"

Three guys were itnroduced to a girl : Hi, I'm Peter not a saint. I'm Paul not a Pope. I'm John not a baptist. The girl replied : Hi! I'm Mary not a Virgin.

What was the cause of the break up between Prince Charles and Lady D? Lady D discovers that not all rulers have 12 inches.