Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 3

"No, but you'll find it'll make things easier for you. That piano player you just killed has two big, mean brothers and when news gets to them about what you did, they'll shove that gun right up your a.r.s.e."

Peter was hooked on gambling and more than half his wages each week would be lost on this addiction - from the horses, dogs and more obscure pastimes such as c.o.c.k fighting and ferrets. One evening, he was returning home after becoming champion for keeping a ferret down your trousers for the longest time, when he pa.s.sed the local cinema and discovered they were showing a film he badly wanted to see.

No animals were allowed inside but that was no problem.

Peter stuck the ferret down his trousers. Halfway through the picture, he unzipped his flies to give the animal some air.

A young girl was sitting next to him and she suddenly nudged her friend and whispered frantically, "Sharon, that man's got his d.i.c.k out!"

"Sshh, just ignore him," replied her friend.

"But I can't," she moaned, "it's nibbling my knee."

A very popular film was being shown at the local cinema and the place was packed. Suddenly a woman stood up and with a scream rushed out into the foyer to search out the manager.

"I'll never come back here again," she complained. "I've just been interfered with."

A short while later another woman ran out looking distressed, complaining of the same thing.

"I'm not having this," said the manager and he decided to track down the pervert. s.h.i.+ning his torch along the rows he eventually discovered a man crawling along under the seats.

"What the h.e.l.l do you think you're doing?" he roared.

"It's my toupee," replied the man. "I've lost it. I had my hand on it twice, but it got away."

Deep in the heart of Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood was lying in bed in his cottage, only a few days from death.

"Little John," he croaked "give me my bow and arrow and open the window. I will fire the arrow and wherever it lands, please bury me there."

And indeed, a few days later, Robin died and having promised to carry out his final wish, Little John and the rest of the Merry Men buried Robin on top of the wardrobe.

THE LAW.

The woman was up in court for a second time, filing for divorce. Three years earlier she had divorced her first husband because she claimed his "tackle" was too big. This time she wanted a divorce because her husband was "too small."

The judge granted her divorce but just before she left the court he gave her some words of warning.

"Madam, this court does not want to see you here again so be careful how you choose a third husband. We have more important things to do than sort out the right fitting for you."

One day while on traffic control, a policeman flags down a car for speeding. As he walks up to the car he sees it is being driven by a beautiful brunette.

"Excuse me, Miss, did you not see the signs, this is a 30 mph zone and you were going at least 50 mph. May I see your licence and insurance please?"

"Oh dear," replies the dizzy girl. Do you mean these, officer?" and she hands him some doc.u.ments from her bag.

"That's right, Miss, won't be a moment", and with that he walks over to his car to radio in the details.

"I think I know this woman," comes the reply, "is she a dizzy brunette?"

"Yes, why?"

"Just go back over and take your trousers down."

"What the f.u.c.k are you talking about?" says the policeman in amazement.

"Don't worry, just do as I say, it'll be fine."

So the policeman returns to the woman's car, hands back her doc.u.ments and drops his trousers.

"Oh wow," she replies, "not another breathalyser."

It was late at night and the police were out checking for erratic driving. They spotted a car travelling alone along the dual carriageway and decided to follow it. The car never exceeded the speed limit, gave all the correct signals as it left the main road and when they reached the town it pulled up correctly at all the traffic lights. Eventually, the police car overtook the car and flagged it down.

"Good evening, Sir," said the policeman.

"We felt we had to stop you to congratulate you on your perfect driving skills."

"Well, thank you, officer," replied the driver, "I always drive very carefully, especially when I've had a bit to drink."

Three country lads were out in the big city when they were attacked by a mugger.

"Give me all your valuables," he hissed, "or I'll inject you with AIDS."

Immediately, two of the lads handed over their wallets and then ran away. The third lad, however, refused so the mugger injected him. Later, when the three lads met up, the two who had handed over all their money looked at their friend aghast.

"Don't you realise what he's done? You've been injected with AIDS."

The third lad smiled.

"No, no, it's alright, I'm wearing a condom."

"You are up before this court for the hideous crime of making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have anything to say in your defence?"

"Yes, your honour. I didn't know she was dead, she'd been like that for years."

A music hall entertainer is stopped by the police for having a faulty break light, and on the back seat of the car, the policeman spots a whole set of knives. He asks the man why he has them - doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives.

The man explains that the knives are used in his act - he juggles them.

The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act. Just then, another car drives by and the driver turns to his wife, saying, "Thank goodness I gave up the demon drink, just look how the police test you these days."

A man stumbles into the police station yelling blue murder that his car has been stolen.

"Can you tell me where you left it, Sir?" asks the duty sergeant.

"On the end of this b.l.o.o.d.y key," he screeches.

Now it had been a difficult evening and the duty sergeant's temper was at boiling point. He retorted, "Listen here, you wretched little man, you're so b.l.o.o.d.y drunk, you can't remember anything and your whole behaviour is disgraceful. Why! you've even left your flies undone."

"f.u.c.king h.e.l.l," slurred the drunk, "they've stolen my girlfriend as well."

The traffic police flag down a car for driving erratically and ask the driver, a young girl, to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test. As they look at the results, the policeman turns to the girl and remarks severely, "You've had a few stiff ones tonight, Miss."

"Oh my goodness," she exclaims blus.h.i.+ng. "I didn't know it told you that as well."

"You are up before this court for entering a dog in the local pet show," said the judge. "You will go to prison for 3 months."

"Okay, this is a robbery, everyone down on the floor immediately," shouted the armed raiders as they ran into the bank. Everyone lay face down on the floor except for one girl who lay on her back.

"Hey," whispered her friend, "this is a bank robbery, not the office party, so turn over."

A very drunk man was walking down the street, one foot on the pavement and the other on the road.

"I shall have to arrest you for being drunk," said the policeman.

"Drunk?" said the man. "How can you tell?"

"You are walking with one foot on the pavement and the other on the road," replied the officer.

"Oh that's wonderful" said the drunk, "for a while I thought I had one leg shorter than the other."

The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car and opening the driver's door. They stopped and confronted him.

"Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive the car?"

"Of course I am, officer," he slurred. "I'm in no state to walk."

A naive young man found himself in the wrong part of town late at night, and got attacked by a gang of muggers. He put up a terrific fight but was eventually overcome and lay bleeding on the ground. When the muggers went through his pockets, all they found was a handful of loose change.

"You went through all that just to protect a few coins?" they asked amazed.

"Oh I see," said the man. "For a while I thought you were after the 500 hidden in my shoe."

"What's wrong, miss?" asked the kindly policeman when he saw the girl crying.

"A thief has just stolen 20 I had hidden inside my knickers," she sobbed.

"Did you try to stop him?"

"I didn't know he was only after my money."

The traffic police flagged down the car.

"Excuse me, Sir, you've just hit four parked cars and driven straight over the middle of the roundabout. It's obvious you are very drunk."

"Officer, thank you so much for telling me. I thought the steering had gone on the car."

The judge turned to the woman and asked, "I see you're divorcing your husband on the grounds that he is a slob and uncouth. Can you give me any examples of this?"

"Yes, your honour. Whenever we go out he always drinks tea with his pinkie sticking out."

"But there's nothing wrong with that," said the judge. "It's considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out."

"But I wasn't talking about fingers," she replied accusingly.