Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 94

Porcupine.

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper.

"The princ.i.p.al difference is the North American species has a longer p.r.i.c.k."

This, as you might a.s.sume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office.

The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their p.r.i.c.ks are just about the same size."

Randy the Rooster.

This farmer had about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wanted chicks. So he went down the road to the next farmer and asked if he had a rooster.

The other farmer said, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster was a lot of money, but the farmer decided he'd be worth it. So, he bought Randy.

The farmer took Randy home and set him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a peptalk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money, and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand so the farmer pointed toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! He nailed every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer was just shocked.

Randy ran out of the hen house and saw a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He got all the geese. Randy was up in the pigpen, he was in with the cows. Randy was jumping on every animal the farmer owned.

The farmer was distraught, worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer went to bed and woke up the next day to find Randy dead as a doork.n.o.b, stone cold, in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shook his head and said, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opened one eye, pointed toward the sky and said, "Shhh...buzzards."

Sheep Fries.

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farmhand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like h.e.l.l!

Skunk.

A woman had a pet skunk which was a devoted pet to her for years.

One day the skunk died. The woman didn't know what to do at first, as she lived in an apartment and she had no place in the yard to bury her pet. So she decided to give the pet a proper burial out in the country.

She didn't have a car, so she planned on taking a bus to the edge of town, then walking from there to some good site.

She got on the bus and sat down behind the driver. About this time, the skunk wasn't keeping too well, so the woman held the skunk at arm's length.

The driver noticed the smell right away, but he kept on driving for several blocks. He next opened the window, but that didn't help.

Finally, he pulled the bus to the curb, and turned around, and said: "Will the woman with rhe stinking p.u.s.s.y please get off the bus?"

14 women got off.

Starving Fly.

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one-day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since his last meal so he flew down and ate and ate and ate.

When he decided that he had eaten enough, he tried to fly away. But he had eaten too much, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall of the barn. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately he was wrong. The fly dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. You won't be surprised to learn that like any good fable this one has a moral.

The moral of the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of s.h.i.+t.

Strayed Rooster.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road a strayed rooster. Wack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared.

The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

Talking Parrot.

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

"Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions." The deal was made & the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back & said the parrot had yet to say a word.

"That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased & a day went by. The parrot's owner returned & said there still had been no talking.

"I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased & yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell. The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened.

"Still no luck?" asked the store owner.

"No. Nothing said yet," answere the bird's owner.

"Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop."

"What?!? You want me to buy another bird!?!" yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

"No, no, calm down," rea.s.sured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror & the bird will think it has a companion." At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store & found the troublesome customer had returned...this time with the parrot, only it was dead!

"What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?"

"Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the petstore anymore?"

Teaching the Dog.

Jake got a 6 month old dog at the dog pound and was having trouble getting it house broke.

He decided to rub the dogs nose in it every time it wet on the floor and throw the dog out the window to teach the dog a lesson. After about two weeks of faithfully doing it Jake thought it was about time the dog figured it out.

Sure enough the next time the dog wet on the floor he rubbed his own nose in it and jumped out the window.