Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 96

Good 'ol Gary Lising.

My name is Gary Lising. Secretary of Health Juan Flavier once said that I have a very nice name-for a disease.

I was voted as the s.e.x symbol of a.s.sumption College because according to them, I am the only entertainer that looks like a s.e.x organ.

I was already a celebrity even when I was a baby. I weighed 48 pounds when I was born-but weighed only 3 pounds after I was circ.u.mcised.

I was the only abortion that lived.

I was such an ugly baby. My mother only puts the negatives of my pictures in our family alb.u.m.

I was a very thin baby because I was a breastfed baby-I was breastfed by my father.

I grew up to be a boy wonder-everybody always looked at me and wondered.

I studied at the Ateneo de Manila where I took up B.S. Economics. That explains why up to now I still am poor as ever.

I went to the United States where I put up my own business that went bankrupt. My business was selling PX goods.

I lived in the penthouse of a 50 story building. My rent was only 200 dollars a month. It was very cheap because it was walkup-no elevator.

I was drafted by the U.S. Army but I got exempted because of my religion -- I am a devout coward.

I came back to the Philippines because I miss the brownouts. We should be proud of this fact because in the U.S. they don't have brownouts. We are the only country that has it.

Another thing to be proud of is the merging of Erap Estrada's "PACC" with Gringo Honasan's "YOU"-it would be known as "PACC YOU".

My father is Dr. Jose Lising, a bis.e.xual-everytime he sees s.e.x he buys it.

My mother Nieva Lising is a very religious woman-she is a nun.

My parents are in the iron and steel business. My mother irons and my father steals.

I am married to Maris Paredes who up to now believes that love is really blind.

I also have a son, Bugsy, he's only five years old and he already knows how to be ashamed of me.

I am also a firm believer in a lot of very serious facts of life. Let me share with you a few meaningful facts that I believe in: I BELIEVE...that if you read too much about the bad effects of smoking -- give up reading.

I BELIEVE...that you should never make love with your eyes unless you are c.o.c.keyed.

I BELIEVE...d.i.c.k Gordon when he said that women should be put up in a pedestal-high enough so you could look up their dresses.

I BELIEVE...Baby Boy Poblador when he said that women are the foundation of our society. I also believe him when he said that men are the ones who laid the foundation.

I BELIEVE...Lolit Solis when she said that Mayor Lim was her former boyfriend.

I BELIEVE...Mari Mar when she cried-I saw tears running down her legs.

Logic Lang Iyan.

One day, Erap sees Pres. Ramos reading a book on logic.

Erap.

: Fidel, mahirap yata iyang binabasa mong libro. Ramos.

: Hindi, logic lang ito, madali lang. Erap.

: Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko yata alam yan. Ramos.

: Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay? Erap.

: Oo. Ramos.

: Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda. Erap.

: Oo. Ramos.

: At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat. Erap.

: Oo. Ramos.

; Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach. Erap.

: Oo. Ramos.

: At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit. Erap.

: Oo. Ramos.

: Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, >eh >>di >> > >lalakeng - lalaki ka. Erap.

: Oo. Ramos.

: Eh kung lalakeng - lalaki ka, eh di macho ka. Erap.

: Oo. Ramos.

: Kita mo na, ganyan lang ang logic! Erap.

: Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah! The following day, Erap sees Maceda in the Senate...

Erap.

: Pare,Maceda, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni Ramos. Maceda.

: Sige nga! Erap.

: May aquarium ka ba sa bahay? Maceda.

: Wala. Erap : BAKLA! BAKLA! BAKLA!

Malacanang Answering Machine.

A cub reporter was complaining about the President's accessibility to the media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he said it is harder now to get through the President compared to those days when he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.

The mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo yan! In fact they have installed a very sophisticated telephone system over at Malacanang. All you need to do is lift the handset and presto you can talk to the President anytime."

"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha? Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!" And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard: "GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. IF YOU TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS 1. IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS 2. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH, PLEASE HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"

That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard: MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD, SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAw.a.n.g ASAWA, AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!"

Mga Tubo at Butas.

Hindi tao, hindi hayop:

1. Tubo na nakausli, paghinawakan mo'y di mababali, pagpinihit ng ubod lakas, tutulo lahat ng laman ng butas.

2. Isang sawa na malaki ang ulo, mahaba ang katawan nito, 'wag mong hahatakin ng pilit at baka ito magalit.

3. Sandata kong matapang, ulo'y malapad at bilugan, katawan paghinawakan, sisisid sa k.u.mukulong karagatan.

4. Isang tubo na pula ang dulo, sa bibig patuloy ang pag-init, imbis na lumaki, lalong lumiliit.

5. Ulo ng aking alaga ay palalabasin, upang katas ay gamitin, inilalapat sa maputla na nag-uumpugang pisngi, para ito'y papulahin.

6. Gubat kong malago, munting butas itinatago, kapag pinutulan, mangangati't t.i.tigas sa muling pagtubo.

7. Patpat kong matigas, may buhok na nalalagas, huwag madidikit sa dulo nito, pagkat kulay lilipat sa iyo.

8. Matigas na bagay, ipinapasok at inilalabas, kapag hindi sapat ay tatanggi ang butas, ngunit kung kasukat maluw.a.n.g itong tinatanggap.

9. Sa dulo ng ulo, ako ay may butas, walang akong paa ngunit tumatayo ng matigas, kailangan hawakan ng mahigpit ng hindi ako dumulas, habang ang aking laman ay lumalabas ng lumalabas.

10. Patpat na mahiwaga, inilalagay sa dila, kapag ipinasok sa mainit, tuloy-tuloy ang sirit.

11. Hindi magkadikit, dalaw.a.n.g pisnging matambok, kapag ang isang mahaba at pulang laman ay dito inipit ng mahigpit, lalabas ang sarsang malapot.

12. Walang kamay, walang paa, ngunit may ulo kahit paano, mayroon ding mahabang katawan na pwedeng hawakan. Kapag ipinasok sa bibig, unti-unti mong malalaman ang sarap ng laman.

Pilipino - 1 Liner.