Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 24

The following morning both couples are at breakfast, and both grooms are smiling as the waiter comes over to take their orders. The first groom says, "I'll have a full English breakfast, and FOUR slices of toast please."

The second groom says, "I'll also have a full English breakfast and FIVE slices of toast, and make two of them brown!"

Things in Law that Sound Dirty But Aren't...

Have you looked through her briefs?

He's one hard judge!

Counsellor, let's do it in chambers!

His attorney withdrew at the last minute!

Is it a penal offence?

Better leave the handcuffs on For $200 an hour, she better be good!

Can you get him to drop his suit?

The judge gave her the stiffest one he could!

Think you can get me off

The genie ...

A woman is walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an old looking bottle. She picks it up and rubs it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appears. The amazed woman asks, "Do I get three wishes?" The Genie replies, "Nope. Three-wish from genies is the stuff of fairy tales. You only get one wish, so what'll it be?"

The woman doesn't hesitate. She says, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting and all the Arabs to love all the Jews and vice- versa. It'll transform the world and bring peace and harmony!"

The Genie takes a look at the map and exclaims, "Hey Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I've been in this a bottle for five hundred years and I'm a little out of shape. Is there something you could wish for that's a bit smaller?"

The woman thinks for a minute and says, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. So find me a man that's considerate, fun, likes to cook and helps with the house work, is great in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for a good man."

The Genie thinks for a minute then lets out a long sigh, "OK. Let me see that map again!"

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?

A: So they know where to stop shaving.

Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?

A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: What are the three fastest means of communication?

A: Telegraph, telephone, tell-a-woman.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?

A: There isn't time.

Q: What did the brothel closed sign say?

A: Beat it we are closed.

Q: Why is it always difficult appearing in front of the media?

A: Wouldn't you be worried appearing at a Stress Conference!

Q: What have a condom with a hole in it and a rattlesnake got in common?

A: Its bet not to screw with either of them.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Miss m.u.f.fet have in common?

A: They both have Kurds in their way.

Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have gla.s.s bottom boats?

A: So they can see their air force.

Q: What's the difference between an optimistic Muslim and a pessimistic one?

A: One looks on the "Sunni" side of life and the other says its "s.h.i.+'ite!"

A guy is talking to a pal about a lean spell in his love life, "You know" he says, "If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no s.e.x life at all."

Husband: "Want a quickie?"

Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Husband: "Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love."

Wife: "Well I can - and that's why we're not doing it."

Wife: "Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love?"

Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."

Gypsy Love.

A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green. The doctor examines her and asks, "Have you been having s.e.x with a Gypsy?"

"That's amazing" replies the woman, "Yes I have."

"Well" says the doc "tell him his ear rings aren't real gold!"

The birds.

A reporter is walking along the prom at seaside resort. He's doing a piece on the aggressive behaviour of the sea gulls and is trying to get comments from a cross section of local people. Suddenly is he sees a punk rocker, decides to ask his opinion, "Excuse me sir, what he would do if a bird c.r.a.pped your his head?" asks the reporter.

"Hum", says the punk as he thinks for a moment, "Well I certainly wouldn't take her out again!"

More words of wisdom ...

1. Never, under any circ.u.mstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

8. n.o.body cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.