Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 44

Next the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after they had all their children?" Again, Adam pokes Rick with the pencil and Rick screams, "Adam, if you poke me with that thing one more time I'm break it in half and shove it up your a.s.s!"

The country fair.

A guy goes to a country fair with his wife and they start looking at the livestock. The first display is all the bulls. The first bull has a sign that says, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "50 times last year. You could learn from that."

The next bull has a sign that says, "This bull mated 65 times last year." Again the wife says, "65 times in a year. You could learn from this one as well." The next bull has a sign that says, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

"Wow!" says the wife, "365 times last year. That's every day. You really could learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Why don't you go and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

News flash.

Yet more criticism for the American administration in Baghdad today. Apparently the pigeons are extremely angry. They say since all the statues have been removed and they've got nowhere to c.r.a.p.

Alone in the forest.

If a man is alone in the forest and makes a statement and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

The Anthropologist.

An Oxford Anthropologist is reading an old book about Africa when he finds an astonis.h.i.+ng statement. "The women of one central African tribe had v.a.g.i.n.as 4 inches wide and 10 inches deep." Amazed and determined to check the claim he immediately flies to Africa.

After months trekking through the jungle he finds the tribe and has a private meeting with the chief.

"I've heard that the women in your tribe have v.a.g.i.n.as 4 inches wide and 10 inches deep.

Is it true?"

"Dat's right!" replies the chief with a puzzled look.

"But... But how can you possibly have s.e.x with a woman who has a v.a.g.i.n.a that size?" asks professor.

"Dat's no problem!" says the chief, "Dey stretch, dey stretch!"

In service.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.

"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible, when he asked, "Which service? The 8:30 or the 11:00?"

Q: Why did the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root ca.n.a.l?

A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

A: He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

The Looney Bin.

Late one night at an insane asylum an inmate shouts, "I'm Napoleon!"

His pal says, "How do you know?"

"G.o.d told me!" replies Napoleon.

A voice from across the room shout back, "No I b.l.o.o.d.y didn't!"

Q: What do you say to a girl with a fallen hemline?

A: Baloney

Bigger b.o.o.bs.

A girl wants bigger b.o.o.bs but doesn't fancy surgery. So she goes to see an alternative medicine pract.i.tioner, Dr. Beaver.

Dr. Beaver says, "You need to rub your b.r.e.a.s.t.s every day and say, 's...o...b..e, Doobie, Doobie I want bigger b.o.o.bies.'"

The girl thinks, "It I'll give it a try."

The next day she is running late for work and decides to do her exercises on the train.

After see her doing the ritual a guy come over to her and asks, "Are you a patient of Dr.

Beaver's?"

"Yes how do you know?" she answers.

With one hand in his pocket he replies, "Hickery d.i.c.kery dock."

Should I lie?

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey, if I lie I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible."

His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but..."

"But, what?"

"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed."

Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so?"

Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away."

Q: Where does an astronaut leave his s.p.a.ce s.h.i.+p when on a strange planet?

A: At a Parking Meteor.

Dracula.

Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly a ma.s.sive plate of smoked salmon sandwiches. .h.i.ts him on the head. The sandwiches are followed by crisps, sausage rolls and chicken drum sticks.

"Oh Man!" he gasps as he takes his last breath, "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

Golf lessons.

Four guys are waiting at the men's tee for four ladies who are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the last one tees off she hacks it dribbles about 10 feet. She walks over to it and hacks it about 80 feet.

She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, "I guess all those f.u.c.king lessons I took this winter haven't helped."

One of the guys immediately replies, "Now there's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead."