Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 46

"Why don't you take off you jacket?" asks the owner.

"O I can't do that," says the blonde, "I says on the tin apply two coats."

It's a Period.

The kindergarten cla.s.s had a homework a.s.signment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the cla.s.s the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the cla.s.s, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"d.a.m.ned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

The Brothel.

A guy goes to a brothel with 20 bucks to spend.

"What can I get for 20 bucks?" he asks.

"No much," says the madam. But they eventually find a girl that agrees to do it for 20.

They go to the bedroom and he s.h.a.gs her. But, it's one of the most painful s.h.a.gs he's ever had. His d.i.c.k is sore for a week afterward.

A month later, the same guy goes to the same brothel but this time with 80 bucks.

"What can I get for 80 bucks?" he asks the madam.

The same girl takes him to a bedroom, but this time he has the best s.h.a.g of his life.

While getting dressed he says, "The last time I s.h.a.gged you it was unpleasant and painful but this time it was really great. What's the difference between a 20 buck s.h.a.g and an 80 buck s.h.a.g?"

"O," she says, "For the extra 60 bucks I pick all the scabs off before hand."

A pretty but distraught model took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, you've hot to help me," she pleaded. "Every time a man takes me out, I wind up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty about it."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to help strengthen your will power."

"Heavens, NO!" she exclaimed. "I want you to fix it so I don't feel guilty."

A blonde is at school and the teacher asks her, "If I have 18 potatoes and I dived them equally between 6 people, how would you do it?"

"Difficult," says the blonde "I guess I'd boil them, them mash them."

A blonde was at work and hears a hilarious joke. But, she refused to take the joke home with her as she thought that will be carrying the joke a bit too far.

A blonde was given some water skis for her birthday. When her pal next sees her she asks, "Have you used the water skis yet?"

"No," replies the blonde there aren't any lakes with hills on them around here."

A blonde rushes into a police station and says, "I've just seen a guy has just stealing my car."

"Did you get a good look at him?" asks the cop.

"No," she says, "but I got his registration plate number."

A blonde is walking down the street when she sees a sign 'Manual Labour Wanted.'

She thinks, "I didn't know Spanish trade unions are illegal."

Did you hear about the blonde explorer that bought 20 sheets of sand paper?

She thought it was a map of the Sahara.

Did you hear about the blonde that was offered an aperitif by French man?

She said, "No that's I don't need dentures."

Did you hear about the blonde that when to the zoo? She followed the sign for Ladies and was really annoyed when she got there. All the cages had door blotted shut so you couldn't see the exhibits.

Did you here about the blonde that was invited to a barbecue?

She said, "No thanks I don't want to wait in line for a hair cut."

Did you hear about the blonde that spent 2 hours in a car wash?

She thought, "It raining too hard to drive."

Did you hear about the blonde that bought a unique Rembrandt?

It's the only one he did with a ballpoint pen.

What are there only 20 hours in a blonde's day?

Did you ever see a blonde with more than ten fingers and toes?

Did you hear about the blonde pilot that was asked for her height and position?

She replied, "5 Foot 6 at the front of the plane."

Why wasn't Jesus born in France?

They couldn't find three wise men or a Virgin.

Did you hear about the blonde who was asked to a meeting at 'Royal Enfield?'

She replies, "Why are we having a meeting in the field where the queen keeps her chickens!"

Did you hear about the blonde that wanted to take her car in for a service?

She couldn't get it through the church door.

Why don't lawyers like lying on the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.

An Irishman has just finished having s.e.x with a Scottish girl.

She says, "I thought Irish men were supposed to be big and thick."

He replies, "And I thought Scots where supposed to be tight."

Did you hear about the Dutch boy that stuck his finger in a d.y.k.e?

She punched his face in.

Speeding.

A Traffic cop stops a guy for speeding.

"I've been waiting all day for you," says the cop. The guy replies, "Well I've got here as fast as I can."

The bible.

A boy opens an old family Bible and looks with fascination at the pages as he turns them.

Suddenly, something falls out of the Bible. He picks it up and looks at it closely. It's an old tree leaf that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mum, look what I found," the shouts boy.