Drunk With Blood Part 3

Leviticus 10.1-2 Number killed: 2 Aaron's sons: Nadab and Abihu The story begins with Aaron's sons, Nadab and Abihu, burning "strange fire before the Lord," some kind of weird incense that G.o.d didn't like very much.

Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. Leviticus 10.1 So G.o.d burned them to death.

And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. 10.2 And here's what Moses said to Aaron afterwards.

Then Moses said unto Aaron, This is it that the LORD spake, saying, I will be sanctified in them that come nigh me, and before all the people I will be glorified. 10.3a G.o.d burned Aaron's sons alive so that G.o.d would "be sanctified in them" and so that he would "be glorified."

That helps.

Moses warned Aaron not to mourn the death of his sons (by uncovering his head or tearing his clothes) or G.o.d would kill him too, along with all the people.

Moses said unto Aaron ...Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people. 10.6 So Aaron did as he was told, and watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by G.o.d.

And Aaron held his peace. 10.3b 15. A blasphemer is stoned to death Leviticus 24.23 Number killed: 1 A blasphemer Remember the stoning scene from Monty Python's The Life of Brian? A man (Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath) is about to be stoned to death for blasphemy. Here's what he says in his own defense: I had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."

Well, this story from Leviticus is pretty much the same, except here two guys are fighting and one of them blasphemes.

The son of an Israelitish woman, whose father was an Egyptian, went out among the children of Israel: and this son of the Israelitish woman and a man of Israel strove together in the camp; And the Israelitish woman's son blasphemed the name of the Lord, and cursed. Leviticus 24.10-11a So they brought him to Moses so he could ask G.o.d what to do about it.

They brought him unto Moses ... that the mind of the LORD might be shewed them. 24.11b-12 G.o.d tells Moses that everyone must stone the blasphemer to death.

The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him. ... He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death. 24.13-16 Then Moses tells the people what G.o.d told him to tell the people (to stone the blasphemer to death).

Moses spake to the children of Israel, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. 24.23a And that's what they did.

And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses. 24.23b As Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath would have said, "Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!"

16. When the people complained, G.o.d burned them to death Numbers 11.1 Estimated Number Killed: 100 Israelites Here's a fun little WTF Bible Story for you.

It all happens in just two verses.

When the people complained, it displeased the LORD. Numbers 11.1a The Bible doesn't say what the people were complaining about. Spending years wandering around in the desert following a cloud around? Not having enough food or water? Having friends and family killed for no good reason? It doesn't say.

But whatever it was, G.o.d heard it. (He had his hearing aid on.) And the LORD heard it. 11.1b So what do you think G.o.d did? Did he explain why he was leading them around for 40 years without adequate food or water on a trip that should have taken a few weeks?

Not quite. Here's what he did.

His anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp. 11.1c I don't know for sure, of course, but I think G.o.d was trying to teach parents a lesson here. When your kids complain, burn them to death. G.o.d teaches best when he teaches by example.

Finally the people beg Moses to make G.o.d stop. And G.o.d stopped burning people to death.

The people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched. 11:2 Don't you just love happy endings?

(How many people did G.o.d burn to death in this episode? The Bible doesn't say, so I just guessed 100.) 17. While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague Numbers 11.33 Estimated Number Killed: 10,000 Israelites In his last killing (16), G.o.d burned people to death for complaining. I suppose this was to teach them a lesson: Don't whine.

But if so, it didn't work. Those that survived G.o.d's fire immediately began to whine again, saying, Who shall give us flesh to eat? We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cuc.u.mbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlic: But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, beside this manna, before our eyes. Numbers 11.4-6 So Moses and G.o.d talk things over and G.o.d says he'll give them meat, alright. He'll feed them meat until it comes out their noses!

Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you. 11.19-20 Where did G.o.d get the meat, you ask? From quail. Lots and lots of quail.

And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day's journey on this side, and as it were a day's journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth. 11.31 G.o.d coated the ground with dead quail. A meter deep within a circle 60 kilometers in diameter.

How many quail would that be?

Well, let's see. The volume of a meter high cylinder with a diameter of 60 kilometers is about 3 billion cubic meters. Since there are 1000 liters in a cubic meter, that makes 3 trillion liters. If the average volume per quail was 1 liter (that would be a big quail), then there would have been 3 trillion dead quail covering the ground, a million or so for each of the several million Israelites.

So everyone had plenty of meat to eat. And the moral of the story is this: If you are hungry, just ask G.o.d to feed you. You may get more than you want. You may get so much that it comes out your nose. But G.o.d will feed you.

Or that would be the moral, if it weren't for the next verse.

While the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. 11.33 So G.o.d fed the people quail until it came out their noses and then killed many of them with "a very great plague."

Which means we need a new moral for this Bible Story: If you are hungry, don't ask G.o.d for help. He'll force you to eat food that you don't like until it comes out your nose and then he'll kill you in a plague.

G.o.d hates whiners.

(Since this was "a very great plague," I put the death toll at 10,000.) 18. Ten scouts are killed for their honest report Numbers 14.36-37 Number killed: 10 Honest scouts OK, this one requires a bit of explanation.

The story begins in Numbers 13 where Moses sends out 12 scouts (one from each of the tribes of Israel) to check out the land of Canaan.

Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan ... And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many. Numbers 13.17-18 So the twelve spies go and do that.

When they return, one of the spies (Caleb) says, Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it. 13.30 But the other ten (the Bible doesn't say what Joshua said) disagree.

The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature. And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as gra.s.shoppers, and so we were in their sight. 13.32-33 So Caleb (and Joshua?) say it would be easy to take over the land of Canaan, while the other ten say it would be hard, since the people that live there are giants. (The scouts were like gra.s.shoppers in comparison to them.) When the people heard the reports, they believed the giant story and were a bit discouraged. So they decided to elect a new leader and go back to Egypt.

All the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night. And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would G.o.d that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would G.o.d we had died in this wilderness! ... And they said one to another, Let us make a captain, and let us return into Egypt. 14.1-4 When Moses and Aaron hear this, they fell on their faces.

Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces. 14.5 Joshua and Caleb tear their clothes.

Joshua ... and Caleb ... rent their clothes. 14.6 And try to talk the people out of it.

...saying, The land, which we pa.s.sed through to search it, is an exceeding good land. If the LORD delight in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and honey. 14:7-8 But the people weren't buying it. They didn't want to fight any G.o.d-d.a.m.ned giants. So they decide to stone Joshua and Caleb (with stones).

All the congregation bade stone them with stones. 14.10a And then G.o.d, in all his glory, shows up.

The glory of the LORD appeared ... before all the children of Israel. 14.10b He tells Moses that he's sick of their whining, so he's going to kill them all. He'll smite them with the pestilence and then make some better people to replace them. People who wouldn't whine so d.a.m.ned much.

The LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? ... I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they. 14.11-12 But Moses talks him out of it (like he did in killing #12). He says the Egyptians will hear about it and say that G.o.d couldn't get the people to obey him so he had to kill them all. How would that look to the neighbors?

Moses said unto the LORD, Then the Egyptians shall hear it ... And they will tell it to the inhabitants of this land ... Because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land which he sware unto them, therefore he hath slain them in the wilderness. 14.13-16 So G.o.d decided not to kill everyone. Not yet, anyway. But he'll make sure that all their carca.s.ses rot in the wilderness (at least all those that are over 20 years old).

Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness; and all that were numbered of you, according to your whole number, from twenty years old and upward which have murmured against me ... But as for you, your carcases, they shall fall in this wilderness. And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years ... the LORD have said, I will surely do it unto all this evil congregation, that are gathered together against me: in this wilderness they shall be consumed, and there they shall die. 14.29-35 And that would have been the end of the story, except that G.o.d was still p.i.s.sed off about those ten scouts, even though they were just doing their jobs. ("To spy out the land of Canaan ... And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many.") So he killed them in a plague.

And the men, which Moses sent to search the land, who returned, and made all the congregation to murmur against him, by bringing up a slander upon the land, Even those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD. 14.36-37 19. A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day Numbers 15.35-36 Number killed: 1 A Sabbath breaker This one is pretty simple.

A man is caught gathering sticks on the Sabbath day.

While the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the Sabbath day. Numbers 15.32 The people ask Moses what to do about it.

They ... brought him unto Moses and Aaron ... because it was not declared what should be done to him. 15.33-34 G.o.d tells Moses that everyone must stone the Sabbath breaker to death.

The LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones. 15.35 So that's what they do.

All the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses. 15.36 Immediately after the stoning, G.o.d gets down to some more important business-like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments.

The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto the children of Israel, and bid them that they make them fringes in the borders of their garments throughout their generations, and that they put upon the fringe of the borders a ribband of blue. 15.37-38 You see, G.o.d wants us to put fringes on our garments so that when we see the purple fringes we'll say to ourselves, "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to follow all of G.o.d's laws."

It shall be unto you for a fringe, that ye may look upon it, and remember all the commandments of the LORD, and do them. 15.39a That way, when we see someone working on the Sabbath, we'll remember to stone him or her to death, on the spot, instead of following our own heart.

That ye seek not after your own heart and your own eyes. 15.39b People who follow their hearts seldom stone people to death.

20. The opposing party is buried alive (along with their families) Numbers 16.31-33 Estimated Number Killed: At least 9 Korah, Dathan, Abiram and their families Our story begins with Korah and his companions confronting Moses. Here's what they say to him: Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD? Numbers 16.3 So what do you suppose Moses did when he heard this? Well, he fell on his face, of course. (People are always falling on their faces in the Bible.) When Moses heard it, he fell upon his face. 16.4 And (while still on his face) offers this ingenious plan: This do; Take you censers, Korah, and all his company; And put fire therein, and put incense in them before the LORD to morrow: and it shall be that the man whom the LORD doth choose, he shall be holy. 16.6-7 So they're going to have an old-fas.h.i.+oned, incense-swinging, prayer contest, where G.o.d picks the winner. How cool is that?

They took every man his censer, and put fire in them, and laid incense thereon, and stood in the door of the tabernacle of the congregation with Moses and Aaron. 16.18 But before they start swinging their censers, G.o.d in all his glory shows up.

The glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation. 16.19 So G.o.d, Moses, and Aaron call a time out to talk things over.

Remember how, just a couple killings ago (18), G.o.d threatened to kill everyone for complaining? Yeah, well, he's back at it again. He tells Moses and Aaron to stand back and get the h.e.l.l out of the way because he's going to kill everybody.

The LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying, Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment. 16.20-21 So what do you figure Moses and Aaron do when they hear that? Well, they fell on their faces, of course.

They fell upon their faces. 16.22a And (while still on their faces) they try to talk G.o.d out of it (again).

And said, O G.o.d, the G.o.d of the spirits of all flesh, shall one man sin, and wilt thou be wroth with all the congregation? 16.22b It seemed to work again, too, since G.o.d came up with a whole new game plan.

The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto the congregation, saying, Get you up from about the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram. 16.23-24 So they gat up from the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram, on every side: and Dathan and Abiram came out, and stood in the door of their tents, and their wives, and their sons, and their little children. And Moses said, Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me. 16.27-28 If these men die the common death of all men, or if they be visited after the visitation of all men; then the LORD hath not sent me. But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD. 16:29-30 So G.o.d and Moses arrange this test. If Korah and his companions die a normal, natural death, then G.o.d didn't send Moses. But if they (and their families) are buried alive, then Moses is G.o.d's special friend.

The test proved to everyone that G.o.d is on Moses' side (since the other guys were buried alive).

The earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up.... They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation. 16.32-33 And that they should get the h.e.l.l away from him before he buries them alive, too.

And all Israel that were round about them fled at the cry of them: for they said, Lest the earth swallow us up also. 16.34 But how many died in this killing?

Well, there's no way to know for sure, but there were at least three men that opposed Moses (Korah, Dathan, and Abiram), and the story makes it clear that their wives and children were buried alive with them. So if each had at least one wife and one child, that would make at least 9 victims.

21. G.o.d burns 250 people to death for burning incense Numbers 16.35 Number Killed: 250 Incense burners In his last killing (20), G.o.d showed whose side he's on by opening up the ground and burying alive the leaders that opposed Moses (along with their families). And it made quite an impression on everyone.

All Israel that were round about them fled at the cry of them: for they said, Lest the earth swallow us up also. Numbers 16.34 But they were safe, at least for the moment, because G.o.d had his mind on other things.

Remember Moses' original plan for dealing with Korah's rebellion? He told him and his a.s.sociates to burn incense before the Lord and let G.o.d choose who is holy.

This do; Take you censers, Korah, and all his company; And put fire therein, and put incense in them before the LORD to morrow: and it shall be that the man whom the LORD doth choose, he shall be holy. 16.6-7 But then G.o.d came up with the burying alive thing and the censer-swinging prayer contest was put on hold.

In the meantime, 250 of Korah's followers did as Moses asked and burned some incense. So G.o.d burned them all alive to teach them a lesson or something. (If you do what he says he'll burn you to death?) There came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense. 16.35 At least I don't have to guess the number of victims this time.

22. G.o.d killed 14,700 for complaining about G.o.d's killings Numbers 16.49 Number Killed: 14,700 Israelites In case you haven't been following along, here's what has happened so far in Numbers 16.

Korah and his companions question Moses' leaders.h.i.+p, saying "Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD?" (Numbers 16.1-3) Moses falls on his face. (16.4) The glory of the Lord appears to the congregation. (16.19) G.o.d tells Moses to get out of the way because he's going to kill everyone. (16.20-21) Moses and Aaron fall on their faces. (16.22) Korah, his companions, and their families are buried alive. (16.27-33) G.o.d burns to death 250 men for burning incense. (16.35) So, as you might expect, the people who had witnessed all this were pretty freaked out by now.

But on the morrow all the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD. Numbers 16.41 Then "the glory of the Lord" appeared (again).

Behold ... the glory of the LORD appeared. 16.42 And G.o.d tells Moses he's going to kill everyone (again).

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. 16.44-45a I think you can guess by now what Moses and Aaron did next.

They fell upon their faces. 16.45b Then Moses told Aaron to burn some incense to try to stop G.o.d from killing everyone.

Moses said unto Aaron, Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun. 16.46 And the incense burning worked. (Sometimes G.o.d will stop killing if you burn incense; sometimes he'll burn you to death instead. He works in mysterious ways.) But not before 14,700 had died in the plague.

Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred, beside them that died about the matter of Korah. 16.49 So in this chapter (Numbers 16), G.o.d threatened to kill everyone twice, but settled for killing 14,959 in three separate killing events (nine or so buried alive, 250 burned to death, and 14,700 killed in a plague).

But don't complain about it or he'll kill you, too.

23. The ma.s.sacre of the Aradites Numbers 21.3 Estimated Number Killed: 3,000 Canaanites Don't you just hate G.o.d-a.s.sisted holy war ma.s.sacres? I do. They're so d.a.m.ned boring.

But we might as well get used to them because G.o.d likes them. A lot. There are about 50 holy war ma.s.sacres on the list of G.o.d's 135 killings in the Bible. So there's just no way to avoid them.

Here's what happened in this one.

King Arad heard that the Israelites were coming, so he fought against them when they tried to invade his land.

When king Arad the Canaanite, which dwelt in the south, heard tell that Israel came by the way of the spies; then he fought against Israel, and took some of them prisoners. Numbers 21.1 So the Israelites asked G.o.d for help, promising to kill everyone in several cities.

Israel vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities. 21.2 G.o.d didn't have to think about this one. Here's how he responded.

The LORD hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites. 21.3a So the Israelites, with G.o.d's help, killed everyone in several Canaanite cities.

And they utterly destroyed them and their cities. 21.3b I'm glad we got this one over with. It was pretty boring, wasn't it?

G.o.d's next killing will be better, I promise.

The Bible doesn't tell us the population of the Aradite cities. So I guessed there were 3 cities, each with 1000 people, for a total of 3000 victims.

24. G.o.d sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water Numbers 21.6 Estimated Number Killed: 100 Israelites When it comes to this Bible story, there are only two kinds of believers: those who have never heard of it, and those who are embarra.s.sed by it.

Here's the story.

The Israelites began to complain about the lack of food and water.

The people spake against G.o.d, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread. Numbers 21.5 So G.o.d sent fiery serpents to bite the people.

The LORD sent fiery serpents among the people. 21.6a And many of the people died.

And they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. 21.6b Then the people apologized to Moses and G.o.d for complaining, asking Moses to do something to get rid of G.o.d's nasty fiery serpents.

Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people. 21.7 G.o.d told Moses what to do. Make a fiery serpent out of bra.s.s (they had lots of that lying around) and put it on a pole. Then when a bitten person looks at it, he or she won't die. (Only G.o.d could come up with a plan like that!) The LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pa.s.s, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live. 21.8 So Moses made a bra.s.s snake and put it on a pole. And it worked just like G.o.d said it would.

Moses made a serpent of bra.s.s, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pa.s.s, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of bra.s.s, he lived. 21.9 Now that's a lot more entertaining than a d.a.m.ned holy war ma.s.sacre, isn't it?