Talkers Part 29

Cowper, in his day, it would seem, met with such a talker as I have been describing. He thus refers to him:--

"Sedentary weavers of long tales Give me the fidgets, and my patience fails.

'Tis the most asinine employ on earth, To hear them tell of parentage and birth, And echo conversation dull and dry, Embellished, with, _He said and so said I_.

At every interview their route the same, The repet.i.tion makes attention lame; We bustle up with unsuccessful speed, And in the saddest part cry, _Droll indeed!_"

After thus expressing his own experience under the rod of this talker, he suggests the way in which he should exercise himself in his vocation:--

"A tale should be judicious, clear, succinct; The language plain, and incidents well linked; Tell not as new what everybody knows, And new or old still hasten to a close; There centring in a focus round and neat, Let all your rays of information meet.

What neither yields us profit nor delight Is like a nurse's lullaby at night; Guy Earl of Warwick and fair Elenore, Or giant-killing Jack would please me more."

III. THE CARELESS.--This talker is heedless of what, and how, and to whom he talks. He consults no propriety of speech; he has no respect of persons. He never asks, "Will it be wise to speak thus at this time? Is this the proper person to whom I should say it? Shall I give offence or deceive by speaking in this way? What will be the consequence to the absent of my making this statement concerning them? Is t.i.ttle-Tattle, or Rumour, or Mischief Maker, or Slanderer, or Blabber in this company, who will make capital out of what I say?"

I do not mean that one should be always so precise in speaking, that what he says should be as nicely measured and formed as a new-made pin.

This, however, is one thing, and to speak without thought or consideration is another.

The careless talker would save others as well as himself from frequent difficulties if he would get into the way of pondering, at least somewhat, the things which he has to say, so as to be sure that what he says will not injure another more than he would like to be injured himself.

I will give one ill.u.s.tration of this careless and thoughtless way of talking.

In a gathering of friends belonging to a certain church in N---- the minister's name came up as the subject of conversation. Many eulogiums were pa.s.sed upon his character, among others one expressive of his high temperance principles, and the service he was rendering to the temperance cause in the town.

There happened to be present in the company a young gentleman of rather convivial habits, who a.s.sented to their compliments of the minister. He thought he was a very excellent man and a pleasant companion. "In fact,"

he said, "it was only the other day when he and I drank brandy and water together."

What a compliment this to give to a minister and a teetotaller! Of course the particulars were not inquired into there and then; but Miss Rumour, who was present, made a note of it in her mind, and as soon as she left the company she spread it abroad until the statement of the thoughtless young gentleman came to the ears of the deacons of the church, who solemnly arraigned the minister before them, and summoned the accuser into their presence.

He declared that what he had said was positively true, but had evidently been misunderstood. "Your excellent minister," he said, "and I _have_ drunk brandy and water together; but then _I_ drank the brandy, and _he_ drank the _water_."

IV. THE EQUIVOCATOR.--He speaks in such a way as to convey the impression that he means what he says and at the same time leaves himself in his own mind at liberty to go contrary to what he says, without considering himself guilty of breach of truth should he do so.

He speaks so as to give you reason for believing him; and then, if he fail to verify your faith, he tells you he did not say so positively.

Hence his chief phrases of speech are, "May be so;" "It is more than likely I shall;" "There is little doubt upon the question;" "It is more than probable it will be so." He means these phrases to have the same effect upon you as the positive or imperative mood; and yet if you take them in this sense, and he does not act up to them, he says, "O, I did not say I would."

Much evil has been done by this way of talking in business, in families, in the social circle. How many a tradesman has lost valuable hours in waiting and expecting some one who has promised him by, "It is more than probable," that he would meet him at such an hour. And when reminded of his failure, he said, "I did not promise."

With a similar understanding based on a promise of the same kind, how frequently has the housewife made ready her person, her children, her rooms, and her larder, to receive guests on a day's visit!

Disappointment has been the result; perhaps hard thoughts, if not harder feelings, have been felt, and it has been a long time ere any preparation has been made for the same guests again.

A mother in a family says to her little son, "Now, John, you be a very good boy, and give your sister Betsy no trouble while I am gone to see your Aunt Charlotte, and may be I will bring you back a Noah's ark."

The mother goes to see Aunt Charlotte; meanwhile John is trying in all his strength to be a "good boy, and to give his sister Betsy no trouble."

Little Johnny is wis.h.i.+ng his mother would return. The hour is getting late. He is becoming heavy with sleep. He says to his sister,--

"I am so tired. I do want mother to come home and bring me the nice present she promised. O how glad I shall be to have a Noah's ark!"

At last mother enters the house, and her little boy rushes to meet her, asking as the first thing,--

"Mother, have you brought the present you promised?"

"What present, my boy?" the mother asks.

"Noah's ark, mother."

"Did I promise to buy you Noah's ark? Are you not mistaken?"

"You said _may be_ you would do it; and I expected you would."

"But _may be_, my dear, is not a promise."

With these words the little boy set on crying at his great disappointment, and could not be comforted.

Now this way of talking to children is calculated to give them wrong views of truthfulness, and to cherish within them a similar way of equivocation. It creates hopes and blights them. It gives ground for expectation, and then destroys it. "Let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay; for whatsoever is more than this cometh of evil." "The promises of G.o.d are all YEA."

V. THE ABSENT-MINDED.--It is far from being pleasant to meet in conversation a talker of this cla.s.s. To ask a question of importance or to give a reply to one whose mind is wandering in an opposite direction is anything but complimentary and a.s.suring. How mortifying to be speaking to a person who you think is sweetly taking in all you say, and when finished you find you have been talking to one whose mind was as absent from what you said as a man living in America or New Zealand! He wakes up, perhaps, to consciousness, some time after you have done speaking, with the provoking interrogatory, "I beg pardon, sir; but pray what were you speaking about just now?"

He has been known at the dinner-table to ask a blessing at least three times.

He has been seen in company to make one of his best bows in reply to what he supposed was a compliment paid him, when it was intended for some other person.

He has been heard try to give a narrative of great interest; but before he had got half-way through he lost his mind in the story, and ran two or three into one.

He has been known almost to rave with self-indignation while calling back some one to whom he had forgotten to state the object of meeting, although they had been together some time in promiscuous talk.

He has been seen at the tea-table in a heated discussion, thinking of his brightest idea just as he was in the act of swallowing his tea, and by the time the tea was gone his idea was gone, and of course he lost the day.

One has heard of an eminent minister so absent-minded in talk at the tea-table that he has taken about twenty cups of tea, and has not only exhausted the supply of tea, but after using the teaspoon in each cup has thrown it behind him on the sofa, until all the spoons have been gone as well as all the tea; and only when he has been told that there was no more of either has he woke up to know how much tea he had drunk, and what had become of the spoons.

One of these talkers, in the midst of conversation in a large circle of friends, tried to quote the lines following:--

"I never had a dear gazelle, To glad me with its soft black eye, But when it came to know me well, And love me, it was sure to die."

But, instead of repeating them correctly, his mind became absent, and thought of a parody on the lines, which ran as follows:--

"I never had a piece of bread, Particularly long and wide, But fell upon the sanded floor, And always on the b.u.t.tered side."

So in his attempt to render the first correctly he mingled the beauties of both as follows:--

"I never had a dear gazelle, Particularly long and wide, But when it came to know me well, And always on the b.u.t.tered side."

A story is told of a clergyman who went a walk into the country. Coming to a toll-bar, he stopped, and shouted to the man, "Here! what's to pay?"

"Pay for what?" asked the man.