English Society Part 5

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN INFELICITOUS SPEECH

"Why, you're looking better already, Sir Ronald!"

"Yes, thanks to your delightful hospitality, I've had everything my doctor ordered me: 'Fresh air, good food, agreeable society, and cheerful conversation that involves no strain on the intellect!'"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DISAPPOINTMENTS OF LION-HUNTING

GUARDSMAN (_gazing at the motley throng_).--"Any great literary or scientific celebrities here to-night, Lady Circe?"

LADY CIRCE (_who has taken to hunting Lions_).--"No, Sir Charles. The worst of celebrities in these democratic days is that they won't come unless you ask their wives and families, too! So I ask the wives and families, and the wives and families come in their thousands, if you please, and the celebrities stay at home and go to bed."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TWO ON A TOWER

JONES (_a rising young British architect_).--"Yes; it's a charming old castle you've bought, Mrs. Prynne, and I heartily congratulate you on being its possessor!"

FAIR CALIFORNIA WIDOW (_just settled in the old country_).--"Thanks. And now you must find me a _legend_ for it, Mr. Jones!"

JONES.--"I'm afraid I can't manage _that_; but I could add a _story_, if that will do as well!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AT THE ZOO

TOMMY.--"Why don't they have little shut-up houses? Why do they have open bars?"

DOROTHY (_who knows everything_).--"Oh! that's for them to see the people, of course!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NATURE _VERSUS_ ART

Just as Stodge is about to explain the recondite subtleties of his picture to a select circle of deeply interested and delightfully sympathetic women, his wife comes in with the _baby_, confound it!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A NEW READING OF A FAMOUS PICTURE

"Oh, look, grandpapa! Poor things ... they're burying the baby!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ANTE-POSTHUMOUS JEALOUSY

"_Isn't_ Emily Firkinson a darling, Reginald?"

"A--ahem--no doubt. I can't say much for her _singing_, you know!"

"Ah! but she's so good and true--a perfect angel! I've known her all my life. I want you to _promise_ me something, Reginald."

"Certainly, my love!"

"If I should die young, and you should ever marry again, promise, oh!

promise me that it shall be Emily Firkinson!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DISTINGUISHED PROFESSIONALS

HOSTESS (_to host, after dinner_).--"George, dear, how about asking Signor Robsonio and Signora Smith.o.r.elli to sing? They'll be mortally _offended_ if we _do_, and they'll be mortally _offended_ if we _don't_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SOCIAL AGONIES

MRS. BLOKER.--"Oh, I'm sorry to disturb you at breakfast, but I wanted to make _sure_ of you. Mr. and Mrs. Dedleigh Boreham are stopping with me for a few days, and I want you to come and dine to-morrow, or, if you are engaged, Wednesday; or Thursday will do, or Friday or Sat.u.r.day; or _any_ day next week!"

(_Mrs. Brown feebly tries to invent that they have some thoughts of sailing to Honolulu this afternoon, and that they have just lost a relative, but breaks down ignominiously._)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TRUE BLUE

"But doesn't hearing those brilliant speeches sometimes make you change your mind?"

"My _mind_? Oh, often! But my _vote_, _NEVER_!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NOUS AVONS CHANGe TOUT CELA

THE OLD MARQUIS OF CARABAS.--"What, madam! There's your lovely but penniless daughter positively dying to marry me; and here I am, willing to settle 20,000 a year on her, and give her one of the oldest t.i.tles in England, _and you refuse your consent_!!!! By George, madam, in _my_ young days it wasn't the mothers who objected to men of my sort. It was the _daughters themselves_!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SPEECHES ONE HAS TO LIVE DOWN

HOSTESS.--"So sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Green."

VISITOR.--"Oh, don't mention it. The antic.i.p.ation, you know, is always so much brighter than the reality."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TOO CONSIDERATE