Mr. Punch's Railway Book Part 11

_Second Pa.s.senger ("off his guard")._ "You're right. I a.s.sure you I paid three-and-sixpence a brace all round at Norwich this morning!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: FROM THE GENERAL TO THE PARTICULAR

_Young Lady (who has never travelled by this line before)._ "Do you go to Kew Gardens?"

_Booking-Clerk._ "Sometimes on a Sunday, miss, on a summer's afternoon!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A NEW RACE IN AFRICA.

Arrival of the Uganda express.

(Twenty minutes ahead of time.)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A LITTLE FARCE AT A RAILWAY STATION

_Lady._ "I want one ticket--first!" _Clerk._ "Single?" _Lady._ "Single!

What does it matter to you, sir, whether I'm single or not?

Impertinence!"

[_Clerk explains that he meant single or return, not t'other thing._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TWO VIEWS OF IT

_Brown._ "Shockin' thing! You heard of poor Mullins getting his neck broken in that collision!"

_Jones._ "Ah!--it's as-tonis.h.i.+ng how lucky some fellows are! He told me 'last time I saw him he'd just insured his life for three thous'd poun's!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: INJURED INNOCENCE

"Hulloa! _You've_ no call to be in here! _You_ haven't got a fust-cla.s.s ticket, _I_ know."

"No! I hain't!"

"Well, come out! This ain't a third-cla.s.s carriage!"

"_Hain't_ it? Lor! Well I thought it _wos, by the look of the pa.s.singers!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Guard._ "Some one been smoking, I think?"

_Pa.s.senger._ "What! Smoking! That's very reprehensible. Perhaps it was the clerical gentleman who has just got out of the next compartment."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "NEM. CON.!"

_Chatty Pa.s.senger (on G. W. Railway)._ "How plainly you can see the lights of Hanwell from the railway!"

_Silent Man (in the corner)._ "Not half so plain as the lights of the train look from Hanwell!"

[_All change at the next station._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: RECIPROCAL

_Sporting Gentleman._ "Well, sir, I'm very pleased to have made your acquaintance, and had the opportunity of hearing a Churchman's views on the question of t.i.thes. Of course, as a country landowner, I'm interested in Church matters, and----"

_The Parson._ "Quite so--delighted, I'm sure. Er--by the bye, could you tell me _what's won to-day_?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: RAILWAY LITERATURE

_Bookstall Keeper._ "Book, ma'am? Yes, ma'am. Here's a popular work by an eminent surgeon, just published, 'Broken Legs: and How to Mend Them': or, would you like the last number of _The Railway Operator_?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SATISFACTORY

_b.u.mptious Old Gent (in a directorial tone)._ "Ah, guard--what are we--ah--waiting for?"

_Guard (with unconcern)._ "Waiting for the train to go on, sir!"

[_Old Gent retires._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN UNDERGROUND SELL

_First Pa.s.senger._ "They say they've put on detectives 'ere, to catch coves as travels without tickets."

_Second Pa.s.senger._ "'Ave they? Well, all I can say is, _I_ can travel as often as I like from Cannon Street to Victoria, and not pay a 'apenny!"

_Detective._ "See here, mate; I'll give you half-a-crown if you tell me how you do it."

_Second Pa.s.senger (after pocketing the half-crown)._ "Well,--when I wants to git from Cannon Street to Victoria without payin'--_I walks!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: QUITE UP TO DATE