Mr. Punch's Railway Book Part 9

A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.--_Disappointed Porter (to Mate)._ I thought you said he was a gentleman.

_Mate._ No, that's where you mistook me. _I_ said he was a gent.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Sylva.n.u.s._ "Foxes are scarce in my country; but we manage it with a drag now and then!"

_Urba.n.u.s._ "Oh--er--yes. But how do you get it over the fences?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Porter._ "Now, marm, will you please to move, or was you corded to your box?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THERE BE LAND RATS"

_Jack Ash.o.r.e._ "Bill, just keep a heye on my jewel-case 'ere while I go and get the tickets. There's a lot o' sharks always cruisin' about these railway stations, I've heard!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AFTER AN EASTERTIDE FESTIVITY--ON THE INNER CIRCLE

_Guard._ "Where are you for?"

_Old Gent._ "I'm oright--Edgware Road."

_Guard._ "Well, mind you get out this time. You've been round three times!"]

RAILWAY SCALE OF MANNERS

We have often been struck with the difference of manner a.s.sumed by railway officials towards different people. Shut your eyes, and you can tell from the tone of their voices whom they are addressing. The following examples will best ill.u.s.trate our meaning. The railway potentate is calling upon the pa.s.sengers to get their tickets ready. He calls:

To the Third Cla.s.s.--_Fortissime._--"Tickets, tickets; come get your tickets ready."

To the Second Cla.s.s.--_Forte._--"Tickets, gents; get your tickets ready, gents."

To the First Cla.s.s.--_Piano._--"Get your tickets ready, gentlemen, if you please; tickets ready, if you please, gentlemen."

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE H GRATUITOUS

_Lady._ "Can I book through from here to Oban?"

_Well-educated Clerk (correcting her)._ "Holborn, you mean. No; but you can book to Broad Street, and then take a 'bus!"]

EPITAPH ON A LOCOMOTIVE.

_By the sole survivor of a deplorable accident (no blame to be attached to any servants of the company)_

Collisions four Or five she bore, The signals wor in vain; Grown old and rusted, Her biler busted, And smash'd the Excursion Train.

"Her End Was Pieces."

EPITAPH FOR A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--"His life was spent on pleasant lines."

[Ill.u.s.tration: MUDDLEBY JUNCTION

_Overworked Pointsman (puzzled)._ "Let's see!--there's the 'scursion'

were due at 4.45, and it ain't in; then, afore that, were the 'mineral,'--no! that must ha' been the 'goods,'--or the 'cattle.' No!

that were after,--cattle's shunting now. Let's see!--fast train came through at----Con-found!--and here comes 'the express' afore its time, and blest if I know which line she's on!!"]

TEA IN TEN MINUTES

(A SONG AT A RAILWAY STATION)

AIR--"_Thee, Thee, only Thee_"

Ten minutes here! The sun is sinking, And longingly we've long been thinking Of Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!

The marble slabs we gather round.

They're long in bringing what is wanted, The china cup with draught em-brown'd, Our thirsty souls are wholly haunted By Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!

Now then, you waiter, stir, awaken!

Time's up. I'll hardly save my bacon.

Tea, Tea, bring that Tea!

At last! The infusion's rayther dark.

But hurry up! Can't stay for ever!

One swig! Br-r-r-r! Hang the cunning shark!

Will't never cool? Nay, never, never!

Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!

More milk; don't be an hour in bringing!

Heavens! That horrid bell is ringing!

"Take your seats, please!" Can't _touch_ the Tea!

Cup to the carriage must not take; Crockery may be lost, or broken; Refreshment sharks are wide awake.

But--many a naughty word is spoken O'er Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!

[Ill.u.s.tration]