A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 9

_Shar._ I will make my Will simple and plain, and before many Witnesses.

(_Enter_ HARRIET)

So Harriet, you are come to see the last of the old Man--well I forgive you your Raillery today--come kiss me, Hussy, or I'll disinherit you. (_Kisses her_) You had better kiss me as a dying Uncle, Hussy, than a living Husband, for I shall give you to my Nephew--and now Gentlemen of the Black Robe, who protect our properties for us, the first thing you are to do is to fill up the blank in the Marriage Articles with my Nephew's name instead of mine, for he I fancy, he will be much properer to manage the young Lady's Concerns than me. It is over with me; what think you, Harriet? Don't you think he'll do it better than me, ha? Ah the young Jade, how she smiles. She knows what I mean, but Gentlemen, before I make my Will, I have one thing to observe, which is that I am a very whimsical old Rogue! You all know that, I believe.

_Doct._ Why you are a little whimsical, Sir Isaac, sometimes, I know.

_Shar._ And therefore I desire a Bond may immediately be prepared for me to give my Nephew, which will put it out of my power to revoke the Will I shall now make in these Presents; for I am so odd a Fellow, that it is a hundred to one, I shall want to go from it tomorrow.

_Doct._ I am afraid, Sir Isaac, such a Bond will not be good in Law.

_Little._ O yes, Doctor, very good. Doctor, you will hurt the Practice with your Scruples; what is it to us whether it be a good Bond or not; it is a new Case, and will be a Bone of Contention to us. The Gown will get by it, let who will lose. (_Aside to the Doctor_)

_Doct._ I believe, Sir Isaac, upon second Thoughts it will be a good Bond.

_Shar._ Then draw it up, and now Gentlemen, as to my Will--Inprimis, let all my Debts be discharged.

_Doct._ That I believe, Sir Isaac, will be soon done; for I don't suppose you owe any.

_Shar._ Yes I owe for the nursing of a b.a.s.t.a.r.d Child at Wandsor.

_Doct._ Is it possible you ever had a b.a.s.t.a.r.d?

_Shar._ Several, Doctor, but they were all dropt upon different Parishes, except that One. Then there are some few dribbling Debts at Alehouses and Taverns where I used to meet my Wenches--in all about twenty Pounds.

_Doct._ I find, Mr. Littlewit, the old Gentleman has been a c.o.c.k of the Game in his time, Good Blood.

_Little._ Really, Doctor Leatherhead, I think so.

_Shar._ Item, I do const.i.tute my Nephew Bellair whole and sole Executor of this my last Will and Testament.

_Bell._ O my dear Uncle, shall I lose you. (_Cries_)

_Shar._ Good natured Boy, how he weeps, disinheriting and cutting off all other Persons whatsoever--saving those hereafter mentioned.

_Lucy._ O my dear generous Master. (_Cries_)

_Shar._ Poor Girl, she weeps too; I suppose for the same Reason, to put me in Mind of her; never fear, Lucy. I'll not forget you; you have been a good Girl and managed my Concerns with great Skill and Decency.

_Doct._ Proceed, Sir.

_Shar._ Unto Harriet Lovewealth my Niece that shall be, I do give--(_Lucy, you know where they are_) a set of Diamond Bracelets which were mortgaged to me and forfeited by the Welch Lady that used to game so much.

_Lucy._ I have them in this Casket, Sir.

_Shar._ Give them to me--there--I give them Harriet, but first kiss me, Hussy--I will have a Kiss for them. (_Kisses her and gives her the bracelets_)

_Bell._ Impudent Rascal!

_Shar._ Item, to Lucy who for many years has served me faithfully--and who used to flatter me in all my little Foibles.

_Lucy._ Sure never was so generous and grateful a Master. (_Cries_)

_Shar._ To her I bequeath, when she marries, one thousand pounds, provided it be with that honest Lad Shark, not a Farthing else.

_Bell._ How Sir, a thousand Pounds; it is too much.

_Shar._ Not at all, Nephew.

_Bell._ Here's a Dog. (_Aside_) Consider, Sir, she's a low bred poor Person.

_Shar._ Poor is she? Why then, Mr. Littlewit, if the Girl is poor, put her down another Hundred, but with a Proviso still that she marries Shark.

_Bell._ I presume, Sir, you have done now.

_Shar._ Done! The G.o.ds of Grat.i.tude and Generosity forbid; no I must remember poor Shark. I must not forget him--Item, to that honest Fellow Shark, auh, auh!

_Bell._ O the Rascal; he'll give half the Estate to himself and Lucy.

_Shar._ To Shark, I say, for his faithful Services.

_Bell._ Why, Sir, he's the most idle, drunken----

_Shar._ Hold your Tongue, Nephew, you are deceived in the young Man--you don't know him so well as I. I have known him many Years; he is a sober honest Fellow, and has a great Regard for you, and for that Reason, I leave him two hundred pounds per Annum.

_Bell._ Two hundred pounds, Sir----

_Shar._ Pray be silent, Nephew; I know his Virtues and good Qualities; therefore, Mr. Littlewit, I think you may as well make it two hundred and fifty.

_Bell._ Sir! Per Annum! Sir!

_Shar._ Ay, per Annum, for ten Annums if I please, Sir. Why sure I can do what I will with my own.

_Bell._ I beg your Pardon, Sir, it is a great deal too much, I think.

_Shar._ I think not, and I believe at this Juncture my Thoughts are more to the purpose than yours.

_Bell._ But consider, Sir, what can he do with so much money; such a low poor Fellow that has no Friends.

_Shar._ No Friends?

_Bell._ No Sir, a low Friendless Fellow.

_Shar._ Nay if he is poor--set him down another hundred, Mr.

Littlewit. He shall not want a Friend while I am alive; for he is an honest Lad, and loves a Bottle and a Wench as well as myself.

_Bell._ Was there ever such a tricking exorbitant Rascal? (_Aside_) Sir, I beg you'll alter that Article that relates to Shark.

_Shar._ Sir, I beg you'll hold your Tongue. Say another word and I'll give him a thousand pounds per Annum.