Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour Part 27

'Ah, well, I'd do anything to oblige your lords.h.i.+p,' replied Jack, thinking of the corner in the will. 'I'd do anything to oblige your lords.h.i.+p: but the fact is, sir, I'm not prepared to go. I've lost my specs--I've got no swell clothes--I can't go in the Stunner tartan,' added he, eyeing his backgammon-board-looking chest, and diving his hands into the capacious pockets of his shooting-jacket.

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'I'll manage all that,' replied his lords.h.i.+p; 'I've got a pair of splendid silver-mounted spectacles in the Indian cabinet in the drawing-room, that I've kept to be married in. I'll lend them to you, and there's no saying but you may captivate Miss Jawleyford in them. Then as to clothes, there's my new damson-coloured velvet waistcoat with the steel b.u.t.tons, and my fine blue coat with the velvet collar, silk facings, and our b.u.t.ton on it; altogether I'll rig you out and make you such a swell as there's no saying but Miss Jawleyford'll offer to you, by way of consoling herself for the loss of Sponge.'

'I'm afraid you'll have to make a settlement for me, then,' observed our friend.

'Well, you are a good fellow. Jack,' said his lords.h.i.+p, 'and I'd as soon make one on you as on any one.'

'I s'pose you'll send me on wheels?' observed Jack.

'In course,' replied his lords.h.i.+p. 'Dog-cart--name behind--Right Honourable the Earl of Scamperdale--lad with c.o.c.kade--everything genteel'; adding, 'by Jove, they'll take you for me!'

Having settled all these matters, and arranged how the information was to be communicated to Jawleyford, the friends at length took their block-tin candlesticks, with their cauliflower-headed candles, and retired to bed.

CHAPTER XXV

MR. SPRAGGON'S EMBa.s.sY TO JAWLEYFORD COURT

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When Mr. Sponge returned, all dirtied and stained, from the chase, he found his host sitting in an arm-chair over the study fire, dressing-gowned and slippered, with a pocket-handkerchief tied about his head, shamming illness, preparatory to putting off Mr. Spraggon. To be sure, he played rather a better knife and fork at dinner than is usual with persons with that peculiar ailment; but Mr. Sponge, being very hungry, and well attended to by the fair--moreover, not suspecting any ulterior design--just ate and jabbered away as usual, with the exception of omitting his sick papa-in-law in the round of his observations. So the dinner pa.s.sed over.

'Bring me a tumbler and some hot water and sugar,' said Mr. Jawleyford, pressing his head against his hand, as Spigot, having placed some bottle ends on the table, and reduced the glare of light, was preparing to retire.

'Bring me some hot water and sugar,' said he; 'and tell Harry he will have to go over to Lord Scamperdale's, with a note, the first thing in the morning.'

The young ladies looked at each other, and then at mamma, who, seeing what was wanted, looked at papa, and asked, 'if he was going to ask Lord Scamperdale over?' Amelia, among her many 'presentiments,' had long enjoyed one that she was destined to be Lady Scamperdale.

'No--_over_--no,' snapped Jawleyford; 'what should put that in your head?'

'Oh, I thought as Mr. Sponge was here, you might think it a good time to ask him.'

'His lords.h.i.+p knows he can come when he likes,' replied Jawleyford, adding, 'it's to put that Mr. John Spraggon off, who thinks he may do the same.'

'Mr. Spraggon!' exclaimed both the young ladies. 'Mr. Spraggon!--what should set him here?'

'What, indeed?' asked Jawleyford.

'Poor man! I dare say there's no harm in him,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford, who was always ready for anybody.

'No good either,' replied Jawleyford--'at all events, we'll be just as well without him. You know him, don't you?' added he, turning to Sponge--'great coa.r.s.e man in spectacles.'

'Oh yes, I know him,' replied Sponge; 'a great ruffian he is, too,' added he.

'One ought to be in robust health to encounter such a man,' observed Jawleyford, 'and have time to get a man or two of the same sort to meet him. _We_ can do nothing with such a man. I can't understand how his lords.h.i.+p puts up with such a fellow.'

'Finds him useful, I suppose,' observed Mr. Sponge.

Spigot presently appeared with a ma.s.sive silver salver, bearing tumblers, sugar, lemon, nutmeg, and other implements of negus.

'Will you join me in a little wine-and-water?' asked Jawleyford, pointing to the apparatus and bottle ends, 'or will you have a fresh bottle?--plenty in the cellar,' added he, with a flourish of his hand, though he kept looking steadfastly at the negus-tray.

'Oh--why--I'm afraid--I doubt--I think I should hardly be able to do justice to a bottle single-handed,' replied Sponge. 'Then have negus,'

said Jawleyford; 'you'll find it very refres.h.i.+ng; medical men recommend it after violent exercise in preference to wine. But pray have wine if you prefer it.'

'Ah--well, I'll finish off with a little negus, perhaps,' replied Sponge, adding, 'meanwhile the ladies, I dare say, would like a little wine.'

'The ladies drink white wine--sherry,' rejoined Jawleyford, determined to make a last effort to save his port. 'However, you can have a bottle of port to yourself, you know.'

'Very well,' said Sponge.

'One condition I must attach,' said Mr. Jawleyford, 'which is, that you _finish_ the bottle. Don't let us have any waste, you know.'

'I'll do my best,' said Sponge, determined to have it; whereupon Mr.

Jawleyford growled the word 'Port' to the butler, who had been witnessing his master's efforts to direct attention to the negus. Thwarted in his endeavour, Jawleyford's headache became worse, and the ladies, seeing how things were going, beat a precipitate retreat, leaving our hero to his fate.

'I'll leave a note on my writing-table when I go to bed,' observed Jawleyford to Spigot, as the latter was retiring after depositing the bottle; 'and tell Harry to start with it early in the morning, so as to get to Woodmansterne about breakfast--nine o'clock, or so, at latest,' added he.

'Yes, sir,' replied Spigot, withdrawing with an air.

Sponge then wanted to narrate the adventures of the day; but, independently of Jawleyford's natural indifference for hunting, he was too much out of humour at being done out of his wine to lend a willing ear; and after sundry 'hums,' 'indeeds,' 'sos,' &c., Sponge thought he might as well think the run over to himself as trouble to put it into words, whereupon a long silence ensued, interrupted only by the tinkling of Jawleyford's spoon against his gla.s.s, and the b.u.mps of the decanter as Sponge helped himself to his wine.

At length Jawleyford, having had as much negus as he wanted, excused himself from further attendence, under the plea of increasing illness, and retired to his study to concoct his letter to Jack.

At first he was puzzled how to address him. If he had been Jack Spraggon, living in old Mother Nipcheese's lodgings at Starfield, as he was when Lord Scamperdale took him by the hand, he would have addressed him as 'Dear Sir,' or perhaps in the third person, 'Mr. Jawleyford presents his compliments to Mr. Spraggon,' &c.; but, as my lord's right-hand man, Jack carried a certain weight, and commanded a certain influence, that he would never have acquired of himself.

Jawleyford spoilt three sheets of cream-laid satin-wove note-paper (crested and ciphered) before he pleased himself with a beginning. First he had it 'Dear Sir,' which he thought looked too stiff; then he had it 'My dear Sir,' which he thought looked too loving; next he had it 'Dear Spraggon,'

which he considered as too familiar; and then he tried 'Dear Mr. Spraggon,'

which he thought would do. Thus he wrote:

'DEAR MR. SPRAGGON,--

'I am sorry to be obliged to put you off; but since I came in from hunting I have been attacked with influenza, which will incapacitate me from the enjoyment of society at least for two or three days. I therefore think the kindest thing I can do is to write to put you off; and, in the hopes of seeing both you and my lord at no distant day.

'I remain, dear sir, yours sincerely,

'CHARLES JAMES JAWLEYFORD,

'_Jawleyford Court._

'TO JOHN SPRAGGON, ESQ.,

&c. &c. &c.'