Handy Andy Volume I Part 26

"'Faith, he has brought his pigs to a pretty market here," said the Squire; "but how _did_ he come here? how was the mistake made?"

"The way every mistake in the country is made," said d.i.c.k. "Handy Andy drove him here."

"More power to you, Andy," said the Squire. "Come, d.i.c.k, we'll drink Andy's health--this is a mistake on the right side."

And Andy's health _was_ drunk, as well as several other healths. In short, the Squire and d.i.c.k the Devil were in high glee--the dining-room rang with laughter to a late hour; and the next morning a great many empty claret bottles were on the table--and a few on the floor.

CHAPTER X

Notwithstanding the deep potations of the Squire and d.i.c.k Dawson the night before, both were too much excited by the arrival of Furlong to permit their being laggards in the morning; they were up and in consultation at an early hour, for the purpose of carrying on prosperously the mystification so well begun on the Castle-agent.

"Now, first of all, d.i.c.k," said the Squire, "is it fair, do you think?"

"Fair!" said d.i.c.k, opening his eyes in astonishment. "Why who ever heard of any one questioning anything being fair in love, or war, or electioneering? To be sure, it's fair--and more particularly when the conceited c.o.xcomb has been telling us how he'll astonish with his plans the poor ignorant Irish, whom he holds in such contempt. Now, let me alone, and I'll get all his plans out of him, turn him inside out like a glove, pump him as dry as a pond in the summer, squeeze him like a lemon--and let him see whether the poor ignorant _Iwish_, as he softly calls us, are not an overmatch for him at the finesse upon which he seems so much to pride himself."

"Egad! I believe you're right, d.i.c.k," said the Squire, whose qualms were quite overcome by the argument last advanced; for if one thing more than another provoked him, it was the impertinent self-conceit of presuming and shallow strangers, who fancied their hackneyed and cut-and-dry knowledge of the common-places of the world gave them a mental elevation above an intelligent people of primitive habits, whose simplicity of life is so often set down to stupidity, whose contentment under privation is frequently attributed to laziness, and whose poverty is constantly coupled with the epithet "ignorant." "A poor ignorant creature," indeed, is a common term of reproach, as if poverty and ignorance must be inseparable. If a list could be obtained of the _rich_ ignorant people, it would be no flattering doc.u.ment to stick on the door of the temple of Mammon.

"Well, Ned," said d.i.c.k, "as you agree to _do_ the Englishman, Murphy will be a grand help to us; it is the very thing he will have his heart in. Murtough will be worth his weight in gold to us; I will ride over to him and bring him back with me to spend the day here; and you, in the mean time, can put every one about the house on their guard not to spoil the fun by letting the cat out of the bag too soon; we'll _shake her_ ourselves in good time, and maybe we won't have fun in the hunt!"

"You're right, d.i.c.k. Murphy is the very man for our money. Do you be off for him, and I will take care that all shall be right at home here."

In ten minutes more d.i.c.k was in his saddle, and riding hard for Murtough Murphy's. A good horse and a sharp pair of spurs were not long in placing him _vis-a-vis_ with the merry attorney, whom he found in his stable-yard up to his eyes in business with some ragged country fellows, the majority of whom were loud in vociferating their praises of certain dogs; while Murtough drew from one of them, from time to time, a solemn a.s.surance, given with many significant shakes of the head, and uplifting of hands and eyes, "that was the finest badger in the world!" Murtough turned his head on hearing the rattle of the horse's feet, as d.i.c.k the Devil dashed into the stable-yard, and with a view-halloo welcomed him.

"You're just in time, d.i.c.k. By the powers! we'll have the finest day's sport you've seen for some time."

"I think we shall," said d.i.c.k, "if you come with me."

"No; but you come with me," said Murtough. "The grandest badger-fight, sir."

"Pooh!" returned d.i.c.k; "I've better fun for you." He then told them of the accident that conveyed their political enemy into their toils; "and the beauty of it is," said d.i.c.k, "that he has not the remotest suspicion of the condition he's in, and fancies himself able to buy and sell all Ireland--horse-dealers and attorneys included."

"That's elegant!" said Murphy.

"He's come to enlighten us, Murtough," said d.i.c.k.

"And maybe, we won't return the compliment," said Murtough. "Just let me put on my boots. Hilloa, you Larry! saddle the grey. Don't you cut the pup's ears till I come home! and if Mr. Ferguson sends over for the draft of the lease, tell him it won't be ready till to-morrow. Molly!

Molly! where are you, you old divil? Sew on that b.u.t.ton for me--I forgot to tell you yesterday--make haste! I won't delay you a moment, d.i.c.k.

Stop a minute, though. I say, Lanty Houligan--mind, on your peril, you old vagabone, don't let them fight that badger without me. Now, d.i.c.k, I'll be with you in the twinkling of a bedpost, and _do_ the Englishman, and that smart! Bad luck to their conceit! they think we can do nothing regular in Ireland."

On his arrival at Merryvale and hearing how matters stood, Murtough Murphy was in a perfect agony of delight in antic.i.p.ating the mystification of the kidnapped agent. d.i.c.k's intention had been to take him along with them on their canva.s.s, and openly engage him in all their electioneering movements; but to this Murphy objected, as running too great a risk of discovery. He recommended rather to engage Furlong in amus.e.m.e.nts which would detain him from O'Grady and his party, and gain time for their side; and get out of him all the electioneering plot of the other party, _indirectly_; but to have as little _real_ electioneering business as possible. "If you do, d.i.c.k," said Murphy, "take my word, we shall betray ourselves somehow or other--he could not be so soft as not to see it; but let us be content to amuse him with all sorts of absurd stories of Ireland--and the Irish--tell him magnificent lies--astonish him with grand materials for a note-book, and work him up to publish--that's the plan, sir!"

The three conspirators now joined the family party, which had just sat down to breakfast; d.i.c.k, in his own jolly way, hoped Furlong had slept well.

"Vewy," said Furlong, as he sipped his tea with an air of peculiar _nonchalance_ which was meant to fascinate f.a.n.n.y Dawson, who, when Furlong addressed to her his first silly common-place, with his peculiar _non_-p.r.o.nunciation of the letter R, established a lisp directly, and it was as much as her sister, Mrs. Egan, could do to keep her countenance, as f.a.n.n.y went on slaughtering the S's as fast as Furlong ruined R's.

"I'll twouble you for a little mo' queam," said he, holding forth his cup and saucer with an affected air.

"Perhapth you'd like thum more theugar," lisped f.a.n.n.y, lifting the sugar-tongs with an exquisite curl of her little finger.

"I'm glad to hear you slept well," said d.i.c.k to Furlong.

"To be sure he slept well," said Murphy; "this is the sleepiest air in the world."

"The sleepiest air?" returned Furlong, somewhat surprised. "That's vewy odd."

"Not at all, sir," said Murphy; "well known fact. When I first came to this part of the country, I used to sleep for two days together sometimes. Whenever I wanted to rise early, I was always obliged to get up the night before."

This was said by the brazen attorney, from his seat at a side-table, which was amply provided with a large dish of boiled potatoes, capacious jugs of milk, a quant.i.ty of cold meat and game. Murphy had his mouth half filled with potatoes as he spoke, and swallowed a large draught of milk as the stranger swallowed Murphy's lie.

"You don't eat potatoes, I perceive, sir," said Murphy.

"Not for bweakfast," said Furlong.

"Do you for thupper?" lisped f.a.n.n.y.

"Never in England," he replied.

"Finest things in the world, sir, for the intellect," said Murphy. "I attribute the natural intelligence of the Irish entirely to their eating them."

"Oh, they are thometimes tho thleepy at the Cathtle," said f.a.n.n.y.

"Weally!" said the exquisite, with the utmost simplicity.

"f.a.n.n.y is very provoking, Mr. Furlong," said Mrs. Egan, who was obliged to say something with a smile, to avoid the laugh which continued silence would have forced upon her.

"Oh, no!" said the dandy, looking tenderly at f.a.n.n.y; "only vewy agweable--fond of a little wepa'tee."

"They call me thatirical here," said f.a.n.n.y, "only fanthy!" and she cast down her eyes with an exquisite affectation of innocence.

"By-the-bye, when does your post awive here--the mail I mean?" said Furlong.

"About nine in the morning," said the Squire.

"And when does it go out?"

"About one in the afternoon."

"And how far is the post town fwom your house?"

"About eight or nine miles."

"Then you can answer your letters by wetu'n of post?"

"Oh dear, no!" said the Squire; "the boy takes any letters that may be for the post the following morning, as he goes to the town to look for letters."