What a Young Husband Ought to Know Part 4

The greatest happiness in married life can never be obtained except by the observance of marital moderation. Just what is moderation in the exercise of the reproductive function in married life it would be very difficult to determine and define. What might be moderation for one man, or for one woman, might be the most extravagant excess for another. The husband may feel inclined to grant himself such indulgence as would ent.i.tle him to be regarded as considerate and as within the bounds of moderation when considered in relation to himself personally, and yet the privileges which he grants himself might be most immoderate and most ruinous for his wife; or in some instances the reverse might be the case--indulgence which might be moderate for his wife might be most excessive for him. No husband or wife can determine what is moderation in their own personal instance until they have duly considered the obligation which they are under to the other, and the effect of the relation, not simply upon himself or herself, but upon the other as well. The principle which must govern every husband or wife who desires to be moderate in the marital relation, is, not to seek to grant themselves the utmost indulgence which will enable them to abide within the limits of individual safety only, but so persistently to exercise the spirit of self-control and self-mastery, that they may attain to those best results which are only possible to those who do not call the reproductive function into exercise at too frequent intervals. No man or woman who exercises the reproductive function upon the return of every slight inclination can realize that greatest pleasure and satisfaction which are always possible, but so seldom experienced. The wise husband and the wise wife will not seek that utmost indulgence which brings them to the limit of endurance, but will constantly desire to be governed by such restraint and moderation as will secure for them the most blessed results. To say nothing of morality, intelligence and culture have their province in the exercise of the privileges which are possible to married people. The reproductive sense, like the sense of hunger, or any other sense, is to be brought under the dominion of intelligence and refinement. In the government of our other senses there are laws which no intelligent man will be willing to violate. He will not eat the first food upon which he chances to come, simply because he is hungry. He requires that it shall be of the proper kind, and properly prepared. The worm will seize upon its food regardless of its character, and without any reference to other considerations than that of satisfying its own inclination. Wild beasts will contend over a bone, but man is lifted by intelligence to a higher realm. His food must be of a proper kind, it must be properly prepared, and is to be eaten at appointed intervals. He will not eat that which belongs to another. He desires his food served with proper regard to cleanliness and esthetic taste. He beautifies his table, makes his eating the occasion of social fellows.h.i.+p, takes into consideration the wants and needs of others. If we thus regulate the appet.i.te, why should we not, as intelligent beings, regulate the exercise of the reproductive sense? Why should we yield, like animals, to the first inclination? Why should we despoil ourselves or our companion of the G.o.d-given sense of modesty? Why should we be willing to indulge ourselves to such an extent as to injure the one individual whom we love and prize above all others upon earth? Let reason, refinement and the moral sense have their proper sway in the exercise of the reproductive function and the s.e.xual instinct, the same as in the exercise of our other senses.

In a chapter ent.i.tled "Rules for Married Persons; or, Matrimonial Chast.i.ty," Jeremy Taylor gives the following advice: "In their permissions and license the husband and wife must be sure to observe the order of nature and the ends of G.o.d. He is an ill husband that uses his wife as a man treats a harlot, having no other end but pleasure.

Concerning which our best rule is that although in this, as in eating and drinking, there is an appet.i.te to be satisfied, which cannot be done without pleasing that desire; yet, since that desire and satisfaction were intended by nature for other ends, they should never be separated from those ends, but always be joined with all or one of these ends: with the desire for children; to avoid fornication; or to lighten and ease the cares and sadness of household affairs; or to endear each other; but never with a purpose, either in act or desire, to separate the sensuality from these ends which hallow it."

It is well also to know what the women have to say upon this subject.

Mrs. E. B. Duffey, in her excellent little book, ent.i.tled "What Women Should Know," says: "One is often led to wonder if a large cla.s.s of men are not simply brutes, in all that concerns the physical relations of marriage. Women do not readily make confidential complaints to other women against their husbands. So that when a word--an incomplete sentence smothered before it is fully uttered--is spoken, it must be wrung from the lips by extreme marital brutality. That many women so suffer at the hands of husbands, brutal in this respect, though kind in all others, does not admit of doubt. Disinclination, weariness, ill health, none of these things will excuse a woman from partic.i.p.ation in the marital act when her husband's inclinations lead him to require it of her. Strange that, while the law recognizes rape as a crime punishable by severe penalties, there is no recognition whatever of a married woman's right to a control over her own person. I do not know that the most brutal conduct in this respect, if there was no other reason for complaint, would be considered by the courts as a sufficient cause for divorce. Yet any one can readily imagine that it is possible for a man of strong sensual nature, who places no curb upon his appet.i.te, to render the life of the delicate, pure-minded woman, intolerable to the last degree. As mutual affection is the heavenly bond of marriage, so mutual pleasure should also sanction its earthly bond.

Love should be prepared to give as well as to receive--to be self-denying when self-denial is required of it. I cannot believe that a wife who sees her husband thus considerate will be unreasonable in her refusal."

But the anxious and honest inquirer still asks, How often may I indulge myself? No general answer can be given to this question. Due reference must always be had to the individual who asks it, and wise counsel would not be possible unless every consideration of the physical condition and health of the wife were allowed their proper place in the solution of the question. What might be moderation for one might be the most destructive excess for another. Some men are strong, have great powers of endurance, and do not know that they have a nerve in their body.

Others are very delicate, nervous and dyspeptic. Some physicians are inclined to limit the relation to once a month; upon the other hand, all who have given attention to this subject have learned of instances of excess which do not fall at all short of conjugal debauchery. It might be said that no man of average health, physical power and intellectual ac.u.men can exceed the bounds of once a week without at least being in danger of having entered upon a life of excess both for himself and for his wife.

Each young husband must determine for himself and his wife when they have reached the limit of moderation, and their greatest happiness, physically, intellectually and maritally, will be secured when they have erred upon the side of moderation rather than upon the side of excess.

Do not wait until you have the p.r.o.nounced effects of backache, la.s.situde, giddiness, dimness of sight, noises in the ears, numbness of fingers and paralysis. Note your own condition the next day very carefully. If you observe a lack of normal, physical power, a loss of intellectual quickness or mental grip, if you are sensitive and irritable, if you are less kind and considerate of your wife, if you are morose and less companionable, or in any way fall below your best standard of excellence, it would be well for you to think seriously and proceed cautiously.

Nor should your observation and study only have reference to yourself.

Note carefully the physical, mental and social condition of your wife the day following. You are not only to be the conservator of your own strength, but her protector as well. When you pa.s.s the limit of the greatest safety, either for yourself or your wife, you are likely to sacrifice both safety and happiness. Another says: "Even taking the low and sordid ground of selfishly getting the most out of this life, it is wise to abide by temperance and duty in the marital relation, for thus, and only thus, may we derive the most possible satisfaction from it. We may drink the nectar as we will; nature lets us hold the cup, but she mixes it herself; if we drink too deeply she adds water, then gall, and finally, it may be, deadly poison."

s.e.xual excess is one of the most destructive forms of intemperance, degrading alike the body, mind and morals. We have heard of men who have called the reproductive organs into very frequent exercise, but they have always been men who were noted for nothing except their pa.s.sion.

Everything they eat and drink seems devoted to the maintenance of their s.e.xual nature. They may have enjoyed intellectual advantages, and some of them may even be enrolled as professional men, but every other faculty is dwarfed and weakened that they may foster and fatten their pa.s.sions. They are eminent in nothing, save as samples of beastliness.

Why allow a single pa.s.sion, the controlling organ of which lies at the very bottom and lowest part of the brain, to usurp and control the entire man, dominate over every other faculty, and render the physical, intellectual and moral faculties and religious sentiments only attendants and slaves!

No thoughtful or considerate husband can afford to disrespect the wishes of his wife. He should reverently consider her inclination as well as his own desire. Throughout the entire range of animal life the condition and inclination of the female fixes and determines the approaches of her mate. Woman is the only female whose condition is disregarded, whose wishes are ignored, whose rights are trampled under foot, and sometimes even denied any right over her own body. Where a woman is in health, and is the loving, devoted wife which she should be, there is not much danger that she will be too strict with the idol of her heart. And, save in exceptional cases, there is but little danger that the wife will be too lenient with her husband. If the wrongs which wives suffer because of the unbridled pa.s.sions of inconsiderate husbands were publicly known, every virtuous and pure-minded man and woman would be inclined to take up arms for the mitigation of woman's wrongs, and the liberation of this great army of slaves who suffer in silence the servitude from which they have no hope of deliverance except by death.

If you wish to attain your greatest usefulness in life, avoid the undue use of foods which are calculated to stimulate the reproductive nature.

Use eggs and oysters, pepper and condiments with reasonable moderation.

Do not simulate impure thinking by theatre-going, the reading of salacious books, partic.i.p.ation in the round dance, the presence of nude statuary and suggestive pictures; avoid such bodily exposure and postures as mar the modesty of both man and woman; keep reasonable and regular hours, and remember that all these things tend only to enervate and exhaust your wife and to rob and wrong you of the best there is in store for you.

Marital moderation is most easily secured and maintained where married persons occupy separate beds; and, indeed, in many instances such conditions exist as render separate rooms not only desirable, but essential. Mrs. E. B. Duffey, a good and reliable authority on this and related subjects, says: "If the husband cannot properly control his amorous propensities they had better by all means occupy separate beds and different apartments, with a lock on the communicating door, the key in the wife's possession."

Dr. Dio Lewis, in his book ent.i.tled "Chast.i.ty," when writing of the excesses which lead to estrangement in married life, says: "A very large part of this wretchedness and perilous excess is the natural result of our system of sleeping in the same bed. It is the most ingenious of all possible devices to stimulate and inflame the carnal pa.s.sion. No bed is large enough for two persons. If brides only knew the great risk they run of losing the most precious of all earthly possessions--the love of their husbands--they would struggle as resolutely to secure extreme temperance after marriage as they do to maintain complete abstinence before the ceremony. The best means to this end is the separate bed."

Many persons recognize the injurious effects which result from two persons sleeping in the same bed, but generally they fear that if they were to occupy adjoining apartments, or even separate beds in the same room, it might lead to local gossip or the suspicion of a lack of harmony or affection. But without informing the patient of the purpose, physicians oftentimes advise a period of absence, either for the husband or for the wife, in order to secure the beneficial result which could be had in their own homes if they would only consent to sleep apart.

Where either the husband or the wife suffers from excessive amative propensities upon the part of the other, great benefit would be derived from avoiding the s.e.xual excitement which comes daily by the twice-repeated exposure of undressing and dressing in each other's presence, and being in close bodily contact for a period of one-third of the hours of each day, for four months in a year, and for twenty years to those who have lived together for a period of sixty years.

There are also the questions of adequate ventilation, the absorption of the exhalations of each other's bodies, the weaker being injured by the fact that the stronger is likely to absorb vital and nervous force, and also the equalization of magnetic elements, which, when diverse in quant.i.ty and quality, augment physical attraction and personal affection. Where there is a disparity of physical condition, or a considerable difference of age, or either person is suffering from the effects of any disease which contaminates the atmosphere, separate beds, and oftentimes separate apartments, are essential.

Physical culture is an important matter for consideration in connection with the subject of moderation within the marriage relation. All forms of outdoor recreation which are calculated to produce the best physical condition--dumb-bells, Indian-clubs, exercises of various kinds, frequent bathing, followed by vigorous rubbing of the external surface of the body--are matters of great importance in this connection. If the thought is permitted to centre upon the s.e.xual relation the blood will be diverted from the brain and the muscles, and the entire man will suffer because of the depletion and drain which comes as an inevitable result. Let the thought be turned to other considerations, and by exercise send the blood into all parts of the body, and let the vigorous rubbing after the bath produce a healthy glow, and contribute to good health and to the attainment and maintenance of a well-rounded manhood.

Not only is physical culture essential for the husband, but it is equally important for the wife, who is even more likely to underestimate its value and neglect it altogether, unless she is encouraged to physical effort and bodily exercise by the husband.

Remember that you and your wife owe it not only to yourselves in securing present happiness, but owe it also to your children and to your own future good that you shall possess the best physical results which are possible to you; for what you are, that your children will become after you. If they inherit either physical or mental weakness, the parents who are to care for them will be compelled to pay for their own sad mistakes in vigils and self-denials from which they could have delivered themselves by timely forethought and sufficient care.

The proper mastery of your s.e.xual nature will be worth all it costs. A strong s.e.xual nature is not a curse, but a blessing. G.o.d made no mistake in making man what he is; but he never intended that the lower nature should rule over the higher and better nature of man. The struggle is worth all it costs, and the man who gains the mastery grows more manly, more n.o.ble, while the man who is overcome becomes less manly, and if l.u.s.t be given the sway he becomes increasingly beastly.

If you gain and keep the mastery, the struggle will not be endless. With that modified manhood which comes with the hush of the reproductive nature at about middle life, there will come a growing peacefulness and manly poise which will be marked by an increasing strength of intellectual and moral power which will make possible to you in the closing years of your life acquisitions and achievements which were quite impossible in the earlier years.

CHAPTER VII.

DEFECTS AND DEFICIENCIES.

The approach to new relations and untried conditions often awakens in the minds of the unmarried apprehensions which are ent.i.tled at least to a brief consideration at this place.

Many young men who are looking forward to marriage spend months of anxious forethought lest there should exist in them some physical incapacity which might unfit them for the new relation into which they are about to enter. Such fears, in the vast majority of cases, are wholly groundless, and in the exceptional instances the insufficiency is generally more seeming than real. Where the previous life has been correct and virtuous there is not more than one case in a thousand where any serious embarra.s.sment may reasonably be expected to arise.

Because of a lack of nouris.h.i.+ng food, the neglect of exercise and physical culture, excessive overwork, dissipation and late hours, many young men suffer from s.e.xual weakness and become apprehensive of impotence, and when they contemplate marriage resort to stimulants, or the most foolish expedients, for regaining or testing their s.e.xual power. No more foolish or destructive course could be pursued. The right thing to do is to inquire into the influences which have produced the debility, remove the cause, resort to such indoor and out-of-door exercises as will tend to the best development of the physical man, restore health, increase the ordinary powers of endurance, and then the apprehensions will all disappear.

Physical weakness and general debility, when emphasized by the nervous strain of the ordinary marriage occasion and followed by the excitement inseparable from the earliest marital relation, often result in premature s.e.xual loss and temporary departure of erectile power, and beget apprehension, and even awaken fear.

But even where such instances do occur, they are usually only temporary.

Actual impotence during a period of manhood is very rare. Where there is ground for just apprehension the young man should always consult an intelligent and conscientious physician. If he suggests either stimulants or a.s.sociation with dissolute women in order to test your powers, in order to strengthen the reproductive system, accept this as a sufficient evidence of his incompetency, and immorality as well, and betake yourself to another physician. The world has pa.s.sed on to that period when a pract.i.tioner who is so ignorant as to give such dangerous and destructive advice is unworthy of the confidence of the people upon whose credulity and purses he preys, and also of the respect of decent people, or a place among intelligent physicians.

Any young man who has several months remaining before marriage can easily remove all groundless apprehensions by such a full observance of the laws of health, due exercise in the open air, the use of dumb-bells, Indian-clubs and home Exercisers as will develop his physical powers and enable him to come to a just apprehension of his real condition.

Nor need a young man who has selected a bride in good health and in appropriate physical proportions to himself feel any anxieties concerning the deficiencies or deformities in her. Medical authorities affirm that the obstacles to the consummation of marriage are far less frequent in females than in males. The greatest barriers to a proper entrance upon marriage upon the part of men are found in excessive solitary and social vice, and especially in the results which attend and follow venereal diseases, all of which exert a debilitating effect upon the masculine function.

Where a young husband will carefully observe the suggestions made in a later chapter concerning the treatment of his bride, especially from the first day they are married, he will successfully pa.s.s any dangers, none of which are likely to appear in the subsequent weeks or years. But where these suggestions are ignored he may be guilty of doing such violence to the sense of propriety of the bride, or so injure her physically, as to make himself the heir of greatest unhappiness for the remainder of his married life. His thought should not only be concerning himself, but especially concerning the deliverance of his bride from a life of invalidism and wretchedness. It seems to us that no wrong which one might do in his ignorance could bring greater remorse and regret than the knowledge of the fact that, without knowing it, he had destroyed both the health and the happiness of one who otherwise would have been a joy and blessing throughout his entire life.

In medical books designed for the profession much s.p.a.ce is properly given to the consideration of defects, deformities and monstrosities; but in a book like this, designed to meet the needs of the ordinary individual, such rare and exceptional instances need not be included.

Marked abnormal conditions are not often seen in the practice of an ordinary physician, and it is therefore wrong to yield to the tendency to arouse unnecessary apprehensions which can serve no useful purpose, but which often do result in injury to the reader.

Where there exists sufficient evidence of any serious difficulty, or physical incapacity, the young man should not fail to consult an experienced physician of known honor and Christian integrity. Such a man will not betray your confidence, and will be able to afford any necessary relief, and to give judicious counsel and timely a.s.sistance.

Never, under any circ.u.mstances, apply to the quack, the shark or the charlatan, whose only purpose will be to frighten and alarm in order that they may the more successfully extort money from the uninformed, in return for which they can expect nothing better than impoverishment and humiliation, instead of wise counsel and skillful treatment.

But we must at this point speak of the kindred subject of the apprehensions which expectant young husbands often feel with reference to the qualification of the intended bride. As we have already said, deformities and actual incapacity are less frequent among women than among men. Women who know themselves to be suffering from falling of the womb, or other serious womb trouble, should not contemplate marriage. By becoming a wife a woman with serious womb trouble only aggravates her condition, renders herself and her husband miserable--does the very thing which will r.e.t.a.r.d her recovery, and is even in danger of rendering herself wholly incurable. Women who know themselves to be suffering from such ills and ailments should always seek competent medical a.s.sistance, cut their corset-strings, devote themselves faithfully to physical culture, and defer their marriage until they have restored these parts to a state of health.

Where either married or unmarried women suffer from female weakness they are generally loath to seek competent medical relief. We have known of married women who have suffered for many years the results of injuries received during confinement who could easily have been not only relieved, but permanently cured, had they applied to a competent physician, disclosed their real condition, and submitted to intelligent treatment.

The same is true of young, married people. Where any slight incapacity or obstacle is found in their new relation they should promptly seek some competent medical advisers, and not permit weeks to elapse, until, on account of their neglect, that which could easily have been remedied in the beginning has become the source of embarra.s.sment, estrangement, or, possibly, some permanent nervous affection. Where it is the wife who needs medical attention, her modest nature may cause her to shrink from examination or counsel, but when she remembers that medical specialists are constantly consulted upon kindred subjects there should be no hesitation in seeking their counsel and a.s.sistance. The utmost frankness on the part of the patient should always enable the physician intelligently to understand her condition, while that native female modesty which is the attestation of her virtue will be both her adornment and her defense.

With the increasing number of well-equipped doctors, intending brides in increasing numbers are wisely seeking such counsel as will a.s.sure them that there exists no impediment to the formation of a happy marriage.

Were this course universally followed it would remove much mental anxiety, possible perplexity, and even marital infelicity. It would disclose to those who have serious womb trouble their unfitness to become wives and mothers, and thus enable the unfortunate ones to escape the unhappiness and misery which marriage is sure to bring both to them and to their husbands. It is always infinitely better to know the facts before it is too late to escape the wretchedness which the marital relation is sure to entail; and then, where no infirmities or barriers exist, the knowledge of that fact will bring an a.s.surance which will be worth many times the embarra.s.sment and expense involved. This is the legitimate, reliable and proper way for every intending bride to secure such information, and the only way to which a virtuous and pure-minded woman could yield her consent.

CHAPTER VIII.

PURITY AND FIDELITY.

The happiness of the individual and of the family often depends upon the influence and effects of very plain and everyday considerations, and in closing Part First there are a few things which we desire to impress upon the mind of the young husband which to some may seem unimportant, but which, in fact, are very important, and your failure duly to observe any one of which may result in your home, as it has in thousands of others, in the blighting of happiness, in personal injury, in injustice and wrong to wife and children, and even in the wrecking of the home itself.

See to it that you have a pure breath. You have no right to defile your body, or render your breath impure or offensive in any way, and especially by the use of tobacco and liquor. You have no more right to defile the air which your wife is to breathe than you have to defile the water which she is to drink, or to sprinkle some disagreeable or loathsome substance upon the food which she is to eat; and the magnitude of this wrong would be increased in proportion to the extent to which it adds to her discomfort or injures her health. To say the least, the use of tobacco is a selfish habit, and if you desire to be just and equal, you should be willing to apportion to your wife for some personal gratification of her own an amount equal to the money which you daily or annually expend upon yourself for the use of tobacco. The tobacco habit is an expensive one. It not only costs an expenditure of a large amount of money annually, but results almost universally in nervousness and irritability. If you use tobacco in any form and will observe yourself closely, noting the difference between the periods when you omit its use and when, upon the other hand, you do not use it, you will be convinced that it tends very perceptibly to render you sensitive, irritable and uncompanionable. But this is not all. It so permeates your entire being as seriously to affect the children which you beget and bring into the world.