Epicoene; Or, The Silent Woman Part 35

CUT: Why, then I say, for any act before, the matrimonium is good and perfect: unless the wors.h.i.+pful bridegroom did precisely, before witness, demand, if she were virgo ante nuptias.

EPI: No, that he did not, I a.s.sure you, master doctor.

CUT: If he cannot prove that, it is ratum conjugium, notwithstanding the premisses. And they do no way impedire. And this is my sentence, this I p.r.o.nounce.

OTT: I am of master doctor's resolution too, sir: if you made not that demand, ante nuptias.

MOR: O my heart! wilt thou break? wilt thou break? this is worst of all worst worsts that h.e.l.l could have devised! Marry a wh.o.r.e, and so much noise!

DAUP: Come, I see now plain confederacy in this doctor and this parson, to abuse a gentleman. You study his affliction. I pray be gone companions.--And, gentlemen, I begin to suspect you for having parts with them.--Sir, will it please you hear me?

MOR: O do not talk to me, take not from me the pleasure of dying in silence, nephew.

DAUP: Sir, I must speak to you. I have been long your poor despised kinsman, and many a hard thought has strengthened you against me: but now it shall appear if either I love you or your peace, and prefer them to all the world beside. I will not be long or grievous to you, sir. If I free you of this unhappy match absolutely, and instantly, after all this trouble, and almost in your despair, now--

MOR: It cannot be.

DAUP: Sir, that you be never troubled with a murmur of it more, what shall I hope for, or deserve of you?

MOR: O, what thou wilt, nephew! thou shalt deserve me, and have me.

DAUP: Shall I have your favour perfect to me, and love hereafter?

MOR: That, and any thing beside. Make thine own conditions. My whole estate is thine; manage it, I will become thy ward.

DAUP: Nay, sir, I will not be so unreasonable.

EPI: Will sir Dauphine be mine enemy too?

DAUP: You know I have been long a suitor to you, uncle, that out of your estate, which is fifteen hundred a-year, you would allow me but five hundred during life, and a.s.sure the rest upon me after: to which I have often, by myself and friends tendered you a writing to sign, which you would never consent or incline to. If you please but to effect it now--

MOR: Thou shalt have it, nephew: I will do it, and more.

DAUP: If I quit you not presently, and for ever of this c.u.mber, you shall have power instantly, afore all these, to revoke your act, and I will become whose slave you will give me to, for ever.

MOR: Where is the writing? I will seal to it, that, or to a blank, and write thine own conditions.

EPI: O me, most unfortunate, wretched gentlewoman!

HAU: Will sir Dauphine do this?

EPI: Good sir, have some compa.s.sion on me.

MOR: O, my nephew knows you, belike; away, crocodile!

HAU: He does it not sure without good ground.

DAUP: Here, sir. [GIVES HIM THE PARCHMENTS.]

MOR: Come, nephew, give me the pen. I will subscribe to any thing, and seal to what thou wilt, for my deliverance. Thou art my restorer. Here, I deliver it thee as my deed. If there be a word in it lacking, or writ with false orthography, I protest before [heaven] I will not take the advantage.

[RETURNS THE WRITINGS.]

DAUP: Then here is your release, sir.

[TAKES OFF EPICOENE'S PERUKE AND OTHER DISGUISES.]

You have married a boy, a gentleman's son, that I have brought up this half year at my great charges, and for this composition, which I have now made with you.--What say you, master doctor? This is justum impedimentum, I hope, error personae?

OTT: Yes sir, in primo gradu.

CUT: In primo gradu.

DAUP: I thank you, good doctor Cutbeard, and parson Otter.

[PULLS THEIR FALSE BEARDS AND GOWNS OFF.]

You are beholden to them, sir, that have taken this pains for you; and my friend, master Truewit, who enabled them for the business. Now you may go in and rest; be as private as you will, sir.

[EXIT MOROSE.]

I'll not trouble you, till you trouble me with your funeral, which I care not how soon it come.

--Cutbeard, I'll make your lease good. "Thank me not, but with your leg, Cutbeard." And Tom Otter, your princess shall be reconciled to you.--How now, gentlemen, do you look at me?

CLER: A boy!

DAUP: Yes, mistress Epicoene.

TRUE: Well, Dauphine, you have lurch'd your friends of the better half of the garland, by concealing this part of the plot: but much good do it thee, thou deserv'st it, lad. And, Clerimont, for thy unexpected bringing these two to confession, wear my part of it freely. Nay, sir Daw, and sir La-Foole, you see the gentlewoman that has done you the favours! we are all thankful to you, and so should the woman-kind here, specially for lying on her, though not with her! you meant so, I am sure? But that we have stuck it upon you to-day, in your own imagined persons, and so lately, this Amazon, the champion of the s.e.x, should beat you now thriftily, for the common slanders which ladies receive from such cuckoos as you are. You are they that, when no merit or fortune can make you hope to enjoy their bodies, will yet lie with their reputations, and make their fame suffer. Away, you common moths of these, and all ladies' honours. Go, travel to make legs and faces, and come home with some new matter to be laugh'd at: you deserve to live in an air as corrupted as that wherewith you feed rumour.

[EXEUNT DAW AND LA-FOOLE.]

Madams, you are mute, upon this new metamorphosis! But here stands she that has vindicated your fames. Take heed of such insectae hereafter. And let it not trouble you, that you have discovered any mysteries to this young gentleman: he is almost of years, and will make a good visitant within this twelvemonth. In the mean time, we'll all undertake for his secrecy, that can speak so well of his silence.

[COMING FORWARD.]

--Spectators, if you like this comedy, rise cheerfully, and now Morose is gone in, clap your hands. It may be, that noise will cure him, at least please him.

[EXEUNT.]

GLOSSARY

ABATE, cast down, subdue.

ABHORRING, repugnant (to), at variance.

ABJECT, base, degraded thing, outcast.

ABRASE, smooth, blank.

ABSOLUTE(LY), faultless(ly).

ABSTRACTED, abstract, abstruse.

ABUSE, deceive, insult, dishonour, make ill use of.

ACATER, caterer.