A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume I Part 67

PARDONER. Sir, ye seem well-seen in women's causes!

I pray you tell me what causeth this: That women, after their arising,[410]

Be so long in their apparelling?

PEDLAR. Forsooth, women have many lets, And they be masked in many nets: As frontlets,[411] fillets, partlets,[412] and bracelets; And then their bonnets and their poignets:[413]

By these lets and nets the let is such, That speed is small when haste is much.

'POTHECARY. Another cause why they come not forward, Which maketh them daily to draw backward; And yet[414] is a thing they cannot forbear; The tr.i.m.m.i.n.g and pinning up their gear; Specially their fiddling with the tail-pin; And when they would have it p.r.i.c.ked[415] in, If it chance to double in the cloth, Then be they[416] wood[417], and sweareth[418] an oath.

Till it stand right they will not forsake it, Thus though it may not, yet would[419] they make it.

But be ye sure they do but defer it; For when they would make it, oft times mar it.

But p.r.i.c.k them and pin them as nice[420] as ye will, And yet will they look for pinning still.

So that I durst hold with you a joint, Ye shall never have them at a full[421] point.

PEDLAR. Let women's matters pa.s.s, and mark mine: Whatever their points be, these points be fine.

Wherefore, if ye be willing to buy, Lay down money, come, off[422] quickly.

PALMER. Nay, by my troth, we be like friars; We are but beggars, we be no buyers.

PARDONER. Sir, ye may show your ware for your mind.

But I think ye shall no profit find.

PEDLAR. Well, though this journey acquit no cost, Yet think I not my labour lost: For, by the faith of my body, I like full well this company.

Up shall this pack, for it is plain I came not hither all for gain.

Who may not play one day in a week, May think his thrift is far to seek.

Devise what pastime that ye think best, And make ye sure to find me prest.[423]

'POTHECARY. Why, be ye so universal, That ye can do whatsoever ye shall?

PEDLAR. Sir, if ye list for to oppose me, What I can do, then shall you see.

'POTHECARY. Then tell me this: are you perfit in drinking?

PEDLAR. Perfit in drinking? as may be wished by thinking.

'POTHECARY. Then, after your drinking, how fall ye to winking?

PEDLAR. Sir, after drinking, while the shot[424] is tinking; Some heads be swimming,[425] but mine will be sinking, And upon drinking my eyes will be pinking: For winking to drinking is alway linking.

'POTHECARY. Then drink and sleep you can well do; But if ye were desired thereto, I pray you tell me, can you sing?

PEDLAR. Sir, I have some sight in singing.

'POTHECARY. But is your breast[426] any thing sweet?

PEDLAR. Whatever my breast be, my voice is meet.

'POTHECARY. That answer showeth you a right singing man.

Now what is your will, good father, then?

PALMER. What helpeth will, where is no skill?

PARDONER. And what helpeth skill, where is no will[427]!

'POTHECARY. For will or skill, what helpeth it, Where forward knave be lacking wit[428]?

Leave off this curiosity.

And who that list, sing after me. [_Here they sing_.

PEDLAR. This liketh me well, so mot I the.

PARDONER. So help me G.o.d, it liketh not me.

Where company is met and well agreed, Good pastime doth right well indeed.

But who can sit in daliance, Men sit in such a variance?

As we were set, ere[429] ye came in, Which strife this man did first begin; Alleging that such men as use For love of G.o.d, and not[430] refuse On foot to go from place to place A pilgrimage, calling for grace, Shall in that pain with penitence Obtain discharge of conscience: Comparing that life for the best Induction to your endless rest.

Upon these words[431] our matter grew: For if he could avow them true, As good to be a gardener.

As for to be a pardoner.

But when I heard him so far wide, I then approached and replied: Saying this, that this[432] indulgence, Having the foresaid penitence, Dischargeth man of all offence With much more profit than this pretence.

I ask but twopence at the most; I-wis this is not very great cost, And from[433] all pain without despair, My soul for to keep[434] even in his chair, And when he dieth, he may be sure To come to heaven even at pleasure.

And more than heaven he cannot[435] get, How far soever he list to jet.

Then is his pain more than his wit, To walk[436] to heaven, since he may sit.

Sir, as we were in this contention, In came this daw with his invention; Reviling us, himself avaunting, That all the souls to heaven ascending Are most bound to the 'pothecary, Because he helpeth most men to die, Before which death he saith indeed, No soul in heaven can have his mede.

PEDLAR. Why, do 'pothecaries kill men?

'POTHECARY. By G.o.d, men say so, now and then.

PEDLAR. And I thought ye would not have mit To make them live as long as ye list.

'POTHECARY. As long as we list? nay, as long as they can.

PEDLAR. So might we live without you then.

'POTHECARY. Yea, but yet it is[437] necessary For to have a 'pothecary: For when ye feel your conscience ready, I can send you to heaven[438] quickly.

Wherefore, concerning our matter here, Above these twain I am best clear; And if ye[439] list to take me so, I am content: you and no mo Shall be our judge as in this case, Which of us three shall take the best place.

PEDLAR. I neither will judge thee best nor worst; For be ye blest or be ye curst, Ye know it is no whit my sleight To be a judge in matters of weight.

It behoveth no pedlars nor proctors To take on them judgment as doctors: But if your minds be only set To work for soul-health, ye be well met: For each of you somewhat doth show, That souls toward heaven by you do grow.

Then if ye can so well agree, To continue together all three; And all you three obey one will, Then all your minds ye may fulfil.

As if ye came all to one man, Who should go pilgrimage[440] more than he can?

In that ye, Palmer, as deputy,[441]

May clearly discharge him, parde; And for all other sins once had contrition, Your pardons giveth him full remission.

And then ye, Master 'Pothecary, May send him to heaven by and by.

'POTHECARY. If he taste this box nigh about the prime, By the ma.s.s, he is in heaven ere evensong time.

My craft is such, that I can right well Send my friends to heaven and myself to h.e.l.l.

But, sirs, mark this man, for he is wise, Who[442] could devise such a device: For if we three may be as one, Then be we[443] lords everychone; Between us all could not be mist To save the souls of whom we list.

But for good order, at a word, Twain of us must wait on the third.

'POTHECARY. And unto that I do agree, For both you twain shall wait on me.[444]

PARDONER. What chance is this, that such an elf Command two knaves beside himself?