The Memory Keeper's Daughter Part 18

She was unnerved by the images he'd given her-Paul, a teenager, playing the guitar and dreaming of Juilliard, Norah with her own business, and David, fixed in her mind all these years, as clearly as a photograph in a book, bent over this piece of paper, filled with regret and yearning. She'd slipped the letter into a drawer, as if that might contain it, but the words had hovered in her mind through every moment of this task-filled and emotional week.

"He wants to meet her," Caroline said, fingering the fringe of a shawl Doro had tossed over the arm of the swing. "To be a part of her life again somehow."

"Nice of him," Al said. "What a stand-up guy, after all this time."

Caroline nodded. "He is is her father, though." her father, though."

"Which makes me what, I wonder?"

"Please," Caroline said. "You're the father Phoebe knows and loves. But I didn't tell you everything, Al, about how I came to have Phoebe. And I think I'd better."

He took her hand in his.

"Caroline. I hung around in Lexington after you left. I talked to that neighbor of yours, and I heard lots of stories. Now, I didn't get much schooling, but I'm not a stupid man, and I know that Dr. David Henry lost a baby girl about the time you left town. What I'm saying is that whatever happened between the two of you doesn't matter. Not to me. Not to us. So I don't need the details."

She sat in silence, watching cars rush by on the highway.

"He didn't want her," she said. "He was going to put her in a home-an inst.i.tution. He asked me to take her there, and I did. But I couldn't leave her. It was an awful place."

Al didn't speak for a while. "I've heard of things like that," he said at last. "I've heard those kinds of stories, on the road. You were brave, Caroline. You did the right thing. It's hard to think of Phoebe growing up in a place like that."

Caroline nodded, tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Al. I should have told you years ago."

"Caroline," he said. "It's okay. It's water under the bridge."

"What do you think I should do?" she asked. "I mean, about this letter. Should I answer it? Let him meet her? I don't know, it's been tearing at me all week. What if he took her away?"

"I don't know what to tell you," he said, slowly. "It's not for me to decide."

She nodded. That was fair, the consequence of having kept this to herself.

"But I'll support you," Al added, pressing her hand. "Whatever you feel is best, I'll support you and Phoebe one hundred percent."

"Thank you. I was so worried."

"You worry too much about the wrong things, Caroline."

"It doesn't touch us, then?" she asked. "The fact that I didn't tell you this before-it doesn't touch you and me?"

"Not with a hundred-foot pole," he said.

"Okay, then."

"Okay." He stood up, stretching. "Long day. You coming up?"

"In a minute, yes."

The screen door squeaked open, fell shut. The wind moved through the place where he'd been sitting.

It began to rain, softly against the roof at first, and then a drumming. Caroline locked the house-her house, now. Upstairs, she paused to check on Phoebe. Her skin was warm and damp; she stirred and her mouth worked around unspoken words, and then she settled back into her dreams. Sweet girl, Sweet girl, Caroline whispered, and covered her. She stood for a minute in the rain-echoing room, moved by Phoebe's smallness, by all the ways she would not be able to protect her daughter in the world. Then she went to her own room, slipping between the cool sheets next to Al. She remembered his hands on her skin, the press of his beard against her neck, and her own cries in the darkness. A good husband to her, a good father to Phoebe, a man who would get up on Monday morning and shower and dress and disappear in his truck for the week, trusting her to do whatever she felt was best about David Henry and his letter. Caroline lay for a long time, listening to the rain, her hand resting on his chest. Caroline whispered, and covered her. She stood for a minute in the rain-echoing room, moved by Phoebe's smallness, by all the ways she would not be able to protect her daughter in the world. Then she went to her own room, slipping between the cool sheets next to Al. She remembered his hands on her skin, the press of his beard against her neck, and her own cries in the darkness. A good husband to her, a good father to Phoebe, a man who would get up on Monday morning and shower and dress and disappear in his truck for the week, trusting her to do whatever she felt was best about David Henry and his letter. Caroline lay for a long time, listening to the rain, her hand resting on his chest.

She woke at dawn, Al thundering down the stairs to take the rig in early for an oil change. Rain cascaded from the gutters and the downspouts, teemed in puddles, and poured downhill in a stream. Caroline went downstairs and made coffee, so absorbed in her own thoughts, in the strangeness of the silent house, that she didn't hear Phoebe until she was standing in the doorway behind her.

"Rain," Phoebe said. Her bathrobe hung loosely around her. "Cats and dogs."

"Yes," Caroline said. They'd spent hours once, learning this idiom, working with a poster Caroline made of angry clouds, cats and dogs teeming from the sky. It was one of Phoebe's favorites. "More like giraffes and elephants today."

"Cows and pigs," Phoebe said. "Pigs and goats."

"Do you want some toast?"

"Want a cat," Phoebe said.

"What do you want?" Caroline asked. "Use your sentences."

"I want a cat, please," Phoebe said.

"We can't have a cat."

"Aunt Doro went away," Phoebe said. "I can have a cat."

Caroline's head ached. What will become of her? What will become of her?

"Look, Phoebe, here's your toast. We'll talk about the cat later, okay?"

"I want a cat," Phoebe insisted.

"Later."

"A cat," Phoebe said.

"d.a.m.n it." The palm of Caroline's hand came down flat on the counter, startling them both. "Don't talk to me anymore about a cat. Do you hear?"

"Sit on the porch," Phoebe said, sullen now. "Watch the rain."

"What do you want? Use your sentences."

"I want to sit on the porch and watch the rain."

"You'll get cold."

"I want-"

"Oh, fine," Caroline interrupted, waving one hand. "Fine. Go out, sit on the porch. Watch the rain. Whatever."

The door opened and swung shut. Caroline looked out to see Phoebe sitting on the porch swing with her umbrella open and her toast on her lap. She was angry with herself for losing her patience. It wasn't about Phoebe. It was just that Caroline didn't know how to answer David Henry, and she was afraid.

She collected the photo alb.u.ms and the stray pictures she'd been meaning to sort, and sat on the sofa where she could keep an eye on Phoebe, masked by her umbrella, rocking in the porch swing. She spread the recent photos on the coffee table, then took out a piece of paper and wrote to David.

Phoebe was confirmed yesterday. She was so sweet in her white dress, eyelet fabric with pink ribbons. She sang a solo at the church. I'm sending a picture of the garden party we had later. It's hard to believe how big she's gotten, and I'm starting to feel worried about what the future holds. I suppose this was what was on your mind the night you handed her to me. I've fought so hard all these years and sometimes I'm terrified of what will happen next, and yet- Here she paused, wondering at her impulse to reply. It wasn't for the money. Every cent of it went into the bank; over the years Caroline had saved nearly $15,000, all of it held in trust for Phoebe. Perhaps it was simply old habit, or to keep their connection alive. Perhaps Caroline had simply wanted him to understand what he was missing. Here, Here, she wanted to say, grabbing David Henry by the collar, she wanted to say, grabbing David Henry by the collar, here is your daughter: Phoebe, thirteen years old, a smile like the sun on her face. here is your daughter: Phoebe, thirteen years old, a smile like the sun on her face.

She put her pen down, thinking of Phoebe in her white dress, singing with the choir, holding the kitten. How could she tell him all this and then not honor his request to meet his daughter? Yet if he came here, after all these years-what would happen then? She didn't think she loved him anymore, but maybe she did. Maybe she was still angry with him, too, for the choices he'd made, for never really seeing who she was. It troubled her to discover this hardness in her own heart. What if he'd changed, after all? But what if he hadn't? He might hurt Phoebe as he'd once hurt her, without even knowing it had happened.

She pushed the letter aside. Instead, she paid some bills, then stepped outside to slip them in the mailbox. Phoebe was sitting on the front steps, holding her umbrella high against the rain. Caroline watched her for a minute before she let the door fall shut and went to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee. She stood for a long time at the back door, gazing out at the dripping leaves, the wet lawn, the little stream running down the sidewalk. A paper cup was lodged under a bush, a napkin turned to pulp by the garage. In a few hours Al would drive away again. She glimpsed it, for a moment, how that might feel like freedom.

The rain came harder suddenly, hitting the roof. Something opened up in her heart, some powerful instinct that made Caroline turn and walk into the living room. She knew before she stepped out on the porch that she'd find it empty, the plate set neatly on the concrete floor, the swing still.

Phoebe gone.

Gone where? Caroline went to the edge of the porch and searched up and down the street, through the teeming rain. A train sounded in the distance; the road to the left climbed the hill to the tracks. To the right, it ended in the freeway entrance ramp. All right, think. Think! Where would she go? All right, think. Think! Where would she go?

Down the street the Swan children were playing barefoot in the puddles. Caroline remembered Phoebe saying, earlier that morning, I want a cat, I want a cat, and Avery standing at the party with the furry bundle in her arms. Remembered Phoebe, fascinated by its smallness, its tiny sounds. And sure enough, when she asked the Swan children about Phoebe, they gestured across the road to the copse of trees. The kitten had run away. Phoebe and Avery had gone to rescue it. and Avery standing at the party with the furry bundle in her arms. Remembered Phoebe, fascinated by its smallness, its tiny sounds. And sure enough, when she asked the Swan children about Phoebe, they gestured across the road to the copse of trees. The kitten had run away. Phoebe and Avery had gone to rescue it.

At the first break in traffic, Caroline darted across the road. The earth was saturated, water pooling in her footprints. She pushed through the brushy copse and broke at last into the clearing. Avery was there, kneeling by the pipe that drained water from the hills into the concrete ditch. Phoebe's yellow umbrella was discarded, like a flag, beside her.

"Avery!" She squatted down beside the girl, touched her wet shoulder. "Where's Phoebe?"

"She went to get the cat," Avery said, pointing into the pipe. "It went in there."

Caroline swore softly and knelt in the edge of the pipe. Cold water rushed against her knees, her hands. Phoebe! Phoebe! she cried, and her voice echoed in the darkness. she cried, and her voice echoed in the darkness. It's Mom, honey, are you here? It's Mom, honey, are you here?

Silence. Caroline inched her way inside. The water was so cold. Already her hands were numb. Phoebe! Phoebe! she shouted, her voice swelling. she shouted, her voice swelling. Phoebe! Phoebe! She listened hard. A sound then, faint. Caroline crawled a few feet farther in, feeling her way through cold invisible rus.h.i.+ng water. Then her hand brushed fabric, cold flesh, and Phoebe, trembling, was in her arms. Caroline held her close, remembering the night she'd carried Phoebe in the damp purple bathroom, urging her to breathe. She listened hard. A sound then, faint. Caroline crawled a few feet farther in, feeling her way through cold invisible rus.h.i.+ng water. Then her hand brushed fabric, cold flesh, and Phoebe, trembling, was in her arms. Caroline held her close, remembering the night she'd carried Phoebe in the damp purple bathroom, urging her to breathe.

"We have to get out of here, honey. We have to get out."

But Phoebe wouldn't move.

"My cat," she said, her voice high, determined, and Caroline felt the squirming beneath Phoebe's s.h.i.+rt, heard the small mewing. "It's my cat."

"Forget the cat," Caroline shouted. She pulled Phoebe gently in the direction she had come. "Come on, Phoebe. Right now."

"My cat," Phoebe said.

"Okay," Caroline said, water rus.h.i.+ng higher now, around her knees. "Okay, okay, it's your cat. Just go!"

Phoebe began to move, inching slowly toward the circle of light. Finally they emerged, cold water streaming around them in the concrete ditch. Phoebe was soaked, her hair plastered against her face, the kitten wet too. Through the trees Caroline glimpsed her house, solid and warm, like a raft in the dangerous world. She imagined Al, traveling some distant highway, and the familiar comfort of these rooms that were her own.

"It's all right." Caroline put her arm around Phoebe. The kitten twisted, thin claws scratching the backs of her hands. The rain fell, dripping off the dark, vivid leaves.

"There's the mailman," Phoebe said.

"Yes," Caroline said, watching him climb the porch and slide the bills she'd put out into his leather bag.

Her letter to David Henry sat unfinished on the table. She had stood at the back door watching the rain, thinking only of Phoebe's father, while Phoebe wandered into danger. It seemed like an omen suddenly, and she let herself turn the fear she'd felt at Phoebe's disappearance into anger. She wouldn't write to David again; he wanted too much from her, and he wanted it too late. The mailman walked back down the steps, his bright umbrella flas.h.i.+ng.

"Yes, honey," she said, stroking the kitten's bony head. "Yes. There he is."

1982.

April 1982

I.

CAROLINE STOOD AT THE BUS STOP NEAR THE CORNER OF Forbes and Braddock, watching the kinetic energy of the children on the playground, their happy shouts lifting up over the steady roar of the traffic. Beyond them, on the baseball field, figures in blue and red from competing local taverns moved with silent grace against new gra.s.s. It was spring. Evening was gathering. In a few minutes the parents sitting on the benches or standing with their hands in their pockets would start calling the children to go home. The grown-ups' game would continue to the edge of darkness, and when it ended the players would slap each other on the back and depart too, settling in for drinks at the tavern, their laughter loud and happy. She and Al saw them there when they made it out for an evening. An early show at the Regent, then dinner and-if Al wasn't on call-a couple of beers. Forbes and Braddock, watching the kinetic energy of the children on the playground, their happy shouts lifting up over the steady roar of the traffic. Beyond them, on the baseball field, figures in blue and red from competing local taverns moved with silent grace against new gra.s.s. It was spring. Evening was gathering. In a few minutes the parents sitting on the benches or standing with their hands in their pockets would start calling the children to go home. The grown-ups' game would continue to the edge of darkness, and when it ended the players would slap each other on the back and depart too, settling in for drinks at the tavern, their laughter loud and happy. She and Al saw them there when they made it out for an evening. An early show at the Regent, then dinner and-if Al wasn't on call-a couple of beers.

Tonight he was gone, however, speeding far away through the gathering night, south from Cleveland to Toledo, then Columbus. Caroline had his routes hung on the refrigerator. Years ago, in those strange days after Doro left, Caroline had hired someone to watch Phoebe while she traveled with Al, hoping to bridge the distance between them. Hours slid away; she slept and woke and lost track of time, the road spinning out beneath them forever, a dark ribbon bisected by the steady flashes of white, seductive and mesmerizing. Finally Al, bleary himself, would pull into a truck stop and take her to a restaurant that didn't differ appreciably from the one they had left behind in whatever city they'd stayed in the day before. Life on the road seemed like falling through strange holes in the universe, as if you might walk into a restroom in one city in America and then walk out the same door to find yourself somewhere else: the same strip malls and gas stations and fast-food places, the same hum of wheels against the road. Only the names were different, the light, the faces. She'd gone with Al twice, then never again.

The bus rounded the corner and roared to a stop. The doors folded open and Caroline climbed in and took a window seat, trees flas.h.i.+ng as they roared over the bridge and the hollow below. Flying past the cemetery, lurching through Squirrel Hill, then lumbering on through the old neighborhoods to Oakland, where Caroline got off. She stood before the Carnegie Museum for a moment, collecting herself, looking up at the grand stone building with its cascading steps and ionic columns. A banner strung along the top of the portico fluttered in the wind: MIRROR IMAGES: PHOTOGRAPHS BY DAVID HENRY. MIRROR IMAGES: PHOTOGRAPHS BY DAVID HENRY.

Tonight was the opening: he would be here to speak. Hands trembling, Caroline slid the newspaper clipping from her pocket. She had carried it for two weeks, her heart surging every time she touched it. A dozen times, perhaps more, she had changed her mind. What good could come of it?

And then, in the next breath, what harm?

If Al had been here, she would have stayed home. She would have let the opportunity slip away unremarked, glancing at the clock until the opening was over and David Henry had disappeared back into whatever life he now led.

But Al had called to say he'd be away tonight, and Mrs. O'Neill was home to keep an eye on Phoebe, and the bus had been on time.

Caroline's heart was roaring now. She stood still, taking deep breaths, while the world moved around her, the squeal of brakes and the scent of spent fuel, and the faint stirrings of the feathery new leaves of spring. Voices swelled as people drew near, then receded, sc.r.a.ps of conversation drifting like bits of paper borne on the wind. Streams of people, dressed in silk and heels and dark expensive suits, flowed up the museum's stone steps. The sky was a darkening indigo and the streetlights had come on; the air was full of the scent of lemon and mint from the festival at the Greek Orthodox Church one block down. Caroline closed her eyes, thinking of black olives, which she had never tasted until she reached this city. Thinking of the wild mosaic of Sat.u.r.day morning market at the Strip, fresh bread and flowers and fruits and vegetables, a riot of food and color for blocks along the river, something she would never have seen except for David Henry and an unexpected snowstorm. She took one step and then another, merging with the crowd.

The museum had high white ceilings and oak floors, polished to a dark, gleaming gold. Caroline was given a program of thick creamy paper with David Henry's name across the top. A list of photos followed. "Dunes at Dusk," she read. "A Tree in the Heart." She walked into the gallery room and found his most famous photo, the undulating beach that was more than a beach, the curve of a woman's hip, then the smooth length of her leg, hidden among the dunes. The image trembled, on the edge of being something else, and then it suddenly was was something else. Caroline had stared at it for a good fifteen minutes the first time she saw it, knowing that the swell of flesh belonged to Norah Henry, remembering the white hill of her belly rippling with contractions, the powerful force of her grip. For years she had consoled herself with her disdainful opinion of Norah Henry, a bit imperial, used to ease and order, a woman who might have left Phoebe in an inst.i.tution. But this image exploded that idea. These photos showed a woman she had never known. something else. Caroline had stared at it for a good fifteen minutes the first time she saw it, knowing that the swell of flesh belonged to Norah Henry, remembering the white hill of her belly rippling with contractions, the powerful force of her grip. For years she had consoled herself with her disdainful opinion of Norah Henry, a bit imperial, used to ease and order, a woman who might have left Phoebe in an inst.i.tution. But this image exploded that idea. These photos showed a woman she had never known.

People milled in the room; the seats filled. Caroline sat down, watching everything intently. The lights dimmed once and went on again, and then suddenly there was applause and David Henry was walking in, tall and familiar, fles.h.i.+er now, smiling at the audience. It shocked her to see that he was not a young man anymore. His hair was turning gray and there was a slight bend to his shoulders. He walked to the podium and gazed out at the audience and Caroline caught her breath, sure he must have seen her, must have known her at once, as she knew him. He cleared his throat and made a joke about the weather. As the laughter spilled out around her and died down, as he looked at his notes and began to speak, Caroline understood that she was just another face in the crowd.

He spoke with melodious a.s.surance, though Caroline paid almost no attention to what he was saying. Instead, she studied the familiar gestures of his hands, the new lines at the corners of his eyes. His hair was longer, thick and luxurious despite the gray, and he seemed satisfied, settled. She thought of that night, almost twenty years ago now, when he'd woken and lifted his head from the desk and caught her in the doorway, naked in her love for him, the two of them as vulnerable to each other in that moment as it was possible to be. She had recognized something then, something he kept hidden, some experience or expectation or dream too private to share. And it was true, she could see that still: David Henry had a secret life. Her mistake twenty years ago had been in believing that his secret had to do with any kind of love for her.

When his talk was over, the applause rose, strong, and then he was stepping from behind the podium, taking a long drink from his gla.s.s of water, answering questions. There were several-from a man with a notebook, a matron with gray hair, a young woman dressed in black with dark cascading hair who asked something rather angrily about form. Tension grew in Caroline's body and her heart pounded until she could barely breathe. The questions ended and the silence grew, and David Henry cleared his throat, a smile forming as he thanked the audience and turned away. Caroline felt herself rising then, almost beyond her own volition, her purse in front of her like a s.h.i.+eld. She crossed the room and joined the little group collecting around him. He glanced at her and smiled politely, without recognition. She waited through more questions, growing somewhat calmer as the moments pa.s.sed. The curator of the show hovered at the edge of the group, anxious for David to mingle, but when a break came in the questions, Caroline stepped forward and put her hand on David's arm.

"David," she said. "Don't you know me?"

He searched her face.

"Have I changed so much?" she whispered.

She saw him understand, then. His face altered, the shape of it even, as if gravity had suddenly gotten stronger. A flush crept up his neck and a muscle pulsed in his cheek. Caroline felt something strange happening with time, as if they were back in the clinic again all those years ago, the snow falling down outside. They stared at each other without speaking, as if the room and all the people in it had fallen utterly away.

"Caroline," he said at last, recovering. "Caroline Gill. An old friend," he added, speaking to the people still cl.u.s.tering around them. He reached up with one hand and adjusted his tie, and a smile broke across his face, though it did not touch his eyes. "Thank you," he said, nodding to the others. "Thank you all for coming. Now, if you'll excuse us."