More Toasts Part 136

She's what put clothes and shoes on you.

She keeps care of you.

She's who's good to you.

She's your creator.

She's what's dead on to me.

Best composite portrait of a mother ever painted.

_Mother_

She loves me in spite of my faults; She overlooks my mistakes; She rejoices at my success; She weeps over my failure; She urges me on to higher endeavor, And her confidence in my ability Brings out the best that is in me.

Her love has been the crowning blessing of my life; Here's to MOTHER.

--_Hathaway_.--

The mother, in her office, holds the key Of the soul; and she it is who stamps the coin Of character, and makes the being who would be a savage, But for her gentle cares, a Christian man, Then crown her Queen o' the world.

"An ounce of mother," says the Spanish proverb, "is worth a pound of clergy."--_T. W. Higginson_.

Mother is the name of G.o.d in the lips and hearts of little children.--_Thackeray_.

MOTHERS' DAY

These "days" for doing things that you ought to do any day are getting so numerous as to lead to curious ethical conflicts. A boy in Sabetha, Kansas, was taken to task for missing Sunday school one Sunday. "I wanted to come," he said, "but Sunday was Mothers' Day and mother wanted me to go fis.h.i.+ng with her, so I went."

MOTHERS-IN-LAW

The lady bather had got into a hole and she couldn't swim. Nor could the young man on the end of the pier; but when she came up for the first time and he caught sight of her face, he could shriek, and he did. He shrieked:

"Help!"

A burly fisherman sauntered to his side.

"Wot's up?" he asked.

"There!" hoa.r.s.ely cried the young man. "My wife! Drowning! I can't swim! A hundred dollars for you if you can save her."

In a moment the burly fisherman was in the sea. In another he was out of it, with the rescued lady bather. Thanking his lucky stars, he approached the young man again.

"Well, what about the hundred bones?" he asked.

But if the young man's face had been ashen gray before, now it was dead white, as he gazed upon the features of the recovered dame.

"Y-e-s, I know!" he gasped. "But when I made the offer I thought it was my wife who was drowning; and now--now it turns out it was my wife's mother!"

The burly fisherman pulled a long face. "Just my luck!" he muttered, thrusting his hand into his trousers pocket. "How much do I owe you?"

"Is your wife's mother enjoying her trip to the mountains?" "I'm afraid not. She's found something at last that she can't walk over."

MOVING PICTURES

A recent movie comedy showed on the screen a bevy of shapely girls disrobing for a plunge in the "old swimming-pool." They had just taken off shoes, hats, coats and were beginning on--a pa.s.sing freight-train dashed across the screen and obscured the view. When it had pa.s.sed, the girls were frolicking in the water.

An old railroader sat through the show again and again. At length an usher tapped him on the shoulder.

"Aren't you ever going home?" he asked.

"Oh, I'll wait a while," was the answer. "One of these times that train's going to be late."

"Didn't anybody criticise you for filming an automobile in ancient Babylon?"

"No. But I had a dozen letters calling my attention to the fact that the car showed a California license tag."

Moving day comes on May 1st, but every day in the year is movie day.

SLAPSTICK DIRECTOR--"Can't you suggest a novel from which we could adapt a comedy?"

COMEDIAN--"My memory isn't very accurate, but isn't there a book called 'Alice Threw the Looking-gla.s.s'?"

MOVIE OPERATOR--"What shall I do with this film? There is a tear in it that cuts right through the hero's nose!"

CLEVER MANAGER--"Ha! just the thing! Bill it as a feature in two parts."