More Toasts Part 139

"We sell piano music by the pound and organ music by the choir."

"Samantha, what's thet chune the orchestry's a-playin' now?"

"The program says its 'Choppin', Hiram."

"Waal--mebbe--but ter me it sounds a deal more like sawin'."

While Chopin probably did not time his "Minute Waltz" to exactly sixty seconds, some auditors insist that it lives up to its name. Mme.

Theodora Surkow-Ryder on one of her tours played the "Minute Waltz"

as an encore, first telling her audience what it was. Thereupon a huge man in a large riding suit took out an immense silver watch, held it open almost under her nose, and gravely proceeded to time her. The pianist's fingers flew along the keys, and her anxiety was rewarded when the man closed the watch with a loud slap and said in a booming voice: "Gos.h.!.+ She's done it."

MRS. NEWRICHE--"I believe our next-door neighbors on the right are as poor as church mice, Hiram."

MR. NEWRICHE--"What makes you think so?"

MRS. NEWRICHE--"Why, they can't afford one of them mechanical piano-players; the daughter is taking lessons by hand."--_Puck_.

MUSICIANS

"Excuse me," said the detective as he presented himself at the door of the music academy, "but I hope you'll give me what information you have, and not make any fuss."

"What do you mean?" was the indignant inquiry.

"Why, you see, we got a tip from the house next door that somebody was murdering Wagner, and the chief sent me down here to work on the case."

Pianist Rachmaninoff told in his New York flat the other day a story about his boyhood.

"When I was a very little fellow," he said, "I played at a reception at a Russian count's, and, for an urchin of seven, I flatter myself that I swung through Beethoven's 'Kreutzer Sonata' pretty successfully.

"The 'Kreutzer,' you know, has in it several long and impressive rests. Well, in one of these rests the count's wife, a motherly old lady, leaned forward, patted me on the shoulder, and said:

"'Play us something you know, dear.'"

There was n.o.body who could play the violin like Smifkins--at least so he thought--and he was delighted when he was asked to play at a local function.

"Sir," he said to the host, "the instrument I shall use at your gathering is over two hundred years old."

"Oh, that's all right! Never mind," returned the host; "no one will ever know the difference."

MUSICAL STUDENT--"That piece you just played is by Mozart, isn't it?"

HURDY-GURDY MAN--"No, by Handel."

When Paderewski was on his last visit to America he was in a Boston suburb, when he was approached by a bootblack who called:

"s.h.i.+ne?"

The great pianist looked down at the youth whose face was streaked with grime and said:

"No, my lad, but if you will wash your face I will give you a quarter."

"All right!" exclaimed the youth, who forthwith ran to a neighboring trough and made his ablutions.

When he returned Paderewski held out the quarter, which the boy took but immediately handed back, saying:

"Here, Mister, you take it yourself and get your hair cut."

NAMES, PERSONAL

"Why do you call the baby Bill?"

"He was born on the first of the month."

In an Ohio town is a colored man whose last name is Was.h.i.+ngton.

Heaven has blest him with three sons.

When the first son arrived the father named him George Was.h.i.+ngton.

In due time the second son came. Naturally he was christened Booker Was.h.i.+ngton. When the third man child was born his parent was at a loss, at first, for a name for him. Finally tho, he hit on a suitable selection.

The third son, if he lives, will go through life as Spokane Was.h.i.+ngton.

Aunt Lindy had brought around her three grandchildren for her mistress to see. The three little darkies, in calico smocks, stood squirming in line while Lindy proudly surveyed them.

"What are their names, Lindy?" her mistress asked.

"Dey's name' after flowers, ma'am. Ah name' 'em. De bigges' one's name' Gladiola. De nex' one, she name' Heliotrope."

"Those are very pretty," her mistress said. "What is the littlest one named?"

"She name' Artuhficial, ma'am."