More Toasts Part 166

A small boy seated on the curb by a telephone-pole, with a tin can by his side, attracted the attention of an old gentleman who happened to be pa.s.sing.

"Going fis.h.i.+ng?" he inquired, good-naturedly.

"Nope," the youngster replied. "Take a peek in there."

An investigation showed the can to be partly filled with caterpillars of the tussock moth.

"What in the world are you doing with them?"

"They crawl up trees and eat off the leaves."

"So I understand."

"Well, I'm fooling a few of them."

"How?"

"Sending 'em up this telephone-pole."--_Judge_.

PUBLIC, THE

What the country needs is not a phonographic record to preserve a candidate's voice, but something to preserve what's left of the voice of the people.

_The Ultimate Victim_

When capital wants extra gains.

On profits tightens all the reins, Who has to suffer all the pains?

The public.

When labor gets dissatisfied, And would conditions override, Who gets submerged beneath the tide?

The public.

When strikes put up the price of food, And each side holds firm att.i.tude, Who always has to make loss good?

The public.

When street-cars cease to run, and balk At all conciliation talk, Who has to pay the freight and walk?

The public.

When managers and actors fight And theaters are closed at night, Who sees amus.e.m.e.nt out of sight?

The public.

Who in disputes which rise each day, Is not permitted any say, But always loses either way?

The public.

The public! the public! How many fools does it take to make up a public?--_Chamfort_.

PUBLIC SCHOOLS

At a teachers' inst.i.tute in an Eastern city a speaker said that, in his opinion, "the trouble with the public-school system of today is: The teachers are afraid of the princ.i.p.als, the princ.i.p.als are afraid of the superintendent, he is afraid of the school committee, they are afraid of the parents, the parents are afraid of the children, and the children are afraid of n.o.body!"

PUBLIC SPEAKERS

A captain in the merchant marine who received much commendation for his wonderful courage and endurance during the war was asked to address a meeting in the West. Ex-President Taft spoke first and at considerable length, and when he had finished the audience rose, almost to a man, to leave the building. The chairman sprang to his feet, rushed to the edge of the platform, and called excitedly: "Come back and take your seats. Come back, every one of you! This man went through h.e.l.l for us during the war, and it is up to us now to do the same for him."

"Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman of the evening, "in a few minutes I shall introduce the gentleman who is to address you. It is not my function to deliver a speech at this time, but I shall just use up five or ten minutes so that you may know how good a speech you would have had to listen to were I the speaker and he the chairman."

"Have you ever taken a tail-spin in an airplane?"

"No, but I've been called upon unexpectedly to make a speech, and I guess the sensation is about the same."

"It must break the theme of your lecture to be interrupted by your audience."

"The secret of success for a lecturer, my boy," replied the foreign visitor, "is not to have a theme."

"That speaker certainly made a hit."

"What did he talk about?"

"About ten minutes."

EMPLOYER (coming upon colored porter looking through the dictionary)--"What are you doing, Sam; looking up some more big words for another speech?"

"No, sah. 'Tain't that. Ah's jes' translatin' the speech ah made las'

night."

CHAIRMAN (of public banquet)--"Gentlemen, before I introduce the next speaker, there will be a short recess, giving you all a chance to go out and stretch your legs."