The Weird Part 121

'Goblin, Goblin, strangle Rat! Rat won't bite Stiff. Stiff won't go through the stile, and I shan't get home by dark!' The unsanitary goblin lifted its pointy head to listen, then smirked and slipped back into the refuse. The old woman resumed her search for help.

She hobbled to the industrial district, to a derelict radio factory where the Buzz Saw That Frightened Itself was hiding from the police. (The saw was a runaway lumber mill from a local timber yard. On its first day on the job, it had slaughtered a nest of baby sparrows, and its mind had snapped. Now it led the life of a hermit, wanted by its owners, shunned by other power tools, and torturing itself every night with an industrial grinder.) 'Saw, Saw, gore Goblin! Goblin won't strangle Rat. Rat won't bite Stiff. The Stiff won't go through the stile, and I can't go home!' The saw only cowered into a corner and whimpered. The old woman turned away in disgust.

She s.h.i.+fted a manhole cover and climbed down a shaft into the sewer system. She made her way to the cesspit where The Giant Poisoned Lamprey lived, coiled below a churning mora.s.s of filth that glowed with a yellow light and belched brown vapors. (In her youth, the lamprey had sucked some nuclear waste out of a steel barrel, and afterwards she'd never been the same.) 'Lamprey, Lamprey, poison Saw! Saw won't gore Goblin. Goblin won't strangle Rat. Rat won't bite Stiff. The Stiff won't go through the stile, and I can't get home to my miserable hovel!' The lamprey only smiled in her long wet whiskers, down in the spongy grungy sc.u.m, and pa.s.sed bubbles of noxious gas from her nether regions. The old woman retreated, holding her nose.

She found the one-legged butcher. All her troubles were his fault, in a sense. He'd sold her spoiled meat. She expected meat to show more cooperation. She yanked at his b.l.o.o.d.y sleeve and pleaded her case.

'Butcher, Butcher, carve Lamprey! Lamprey won't poison Saw. Saw won't gore Goblin. Goblin won't strangle Rat. Rat won't bite Stiff. The Stiff won't go through the stile, and I'm stressed out!' The butcher shook his bald head. He had enough work to do in a day.

The old woman located the butcher's armored delivery van, which was parked near the Burnside Bridge. She whispered into its air manifold. 'Van, Van, maim Butcher! Butcher won't carve Lamprey. Lamprey won't poison Saw. Saw won't gore Goblin. Goblin won't strangle Rat. Rat won't bite Stiff. The Stiff won't go through the stile, and I'm messed up behind it!' The van made no reply, but only pointed a rifle at the old woman.

Walking dejectedly past the Burnside underpa.s.s, the old woman noticed a gang of bad-a.s.s fleas in leather jackets who were viciously mugging a punk shrimp who had his sh.e.l.l dyed green and safety pins in his feelers. The fleas stole the rubber condoms from the shrimp's pockets and ate them right out of the foil packets, for they were bad-a.s.s recombinant rubber-eating fleas. The old woman fell on her knees before the gang of fleas. She saw them as her last hope.

'Fleas, Fleas, chew on Van! Van won't maim Butcher. Butcher won't carve Lamprey. Lamprey won't poison Saw. Saw won't gore Goblin. Goblin won't strangle Rat. Rat won't bite Stiff. Stiff won't go through the stile, and I shan't get home tonight!'

The fleas were always hungry for automobile tires, so...

The fleas began to chew on the van. The van began to maim the butcher. The butcher began to carve the lamprey. The lamprey began to poison the saw. The saw began to gore the goblin. The goblin began to strangle the rat. The rat began to bite the stiff. And the stiff, naturally enough, shrank from the rat's short sharp teeth and scrambled through the stile into the graveyard.

The old woman hit it with a brick and boiled its head for her supper.

A happy ending. (For the old woman, if not for the corpse.).

Yellow and Red.

Tanith Lee.

Tanith Lee (1947) is a highly respected English writer of science fiction, horror, and fantasy, with over seventy novels and hundreds of short stories to her credit. She has been a regular contributor over many years to Weird Tales magazine. She has won the World Fantasy Award, the British Fantasy Award, and the Nebula Award multiple times. Along with Daphne du Maurier, Lee has established herself as one of the preeminent writers coming to the weird from Gothic fiction. 'Yellow and Red' (1998) contains several of the Lee trademarks: atmosphere, a sensual style, and a creeping sense of dread. It also seems to riff off of M. R. James's cla.s.sic 'Casting the Runes'.

From the Diary of Gordon Martyce:.

9th September 195: 7:00 p.m.

Coming down to the old house was at first interesting, and then depressing. The train journey was tedious and slow, and after the second hour, over and again, I began to wish I had not undertaken this. But that would be foolish. The house, by the quirkiness of my Uncle's will, is now mine. One day I may even live in it, although for now my job, which I value, and my flat, which I like, keep me in London. Of course, Lucy is terribly interested in the idea of an old place in the country. I could see her eyes, lit by her second gin, gleam with visions of chintz curtains, china on the mantlepiece, an old, dark, loudly ticking cloak. But it is not that sort of house I knew that even then, never having seen inside it in my life. As for Lucy, I am never sure. She has stuck to me for five years, and so I have not quite given up on the notion of one day having a wife, perhaps a family. Quite a pretty woman, quite vivacious in her way, which sometimes, I confess, tires me a little. Well, if it comes to that, she can do what she wants with the house. It is gloomy enough as it stands.

Beyond the train, the trees were putting on their September garments, brown and red and yellow, but soon a drizzle began which blotted up detail. It was raining more earnestly when I reached the station and got out. I had only one small bag, the essentials for a stay of a couple of nights. That was good, for there was no transport of any kind.

I walked to the village, and there was given a cup of tea, the keys, and a lift the last mile and a half.

Johnson, the agent, let me off on the drive. He had offered to take me round, but I said this was not necessary. There is a woman, Mrs Gold, who comes in every day, and I was told, she would have put things ready for me I trusted this was true.

The rain eased as I walked along the last curve of the drive. Presently I saw the house, and recognized it from a photograph I had observed often enough in my Father's study. A two-storey building, with green shutters. Big oaks stood around it that had done the walls some damage, and introduced damp. I supposed they could be cut down. Above, was my Grandfather's weather-vane, which I had never been able, properly, to make out in the photograph, but which my Father told me was in the shape of some Oriental animal deity. Even now, it remained a mystery to me, between the leaves of the oaks and the moving, leaden sky.

I got up the steps, and opened the front door, and stepped into the big dark hall. The trees oppress this house, that is certain, and the old stained gla.s.s of the hall windows change the light to mulberry and spinach. However, I saw through into the sitting room, and a fire had been laid, and wood put ready. A touch on a switch rea.s.sured me that the electricity still worked. On the table near the door I found Mrs Gold's rather poorly spelled note. But she had done everything one could expect, even to leaving me a cold supper of ham and salad, apple pie and cheese. She would be in tomorrow at eleven. I need have no fears.

I looked round. I am not fearful by nature. I always do my best, and am seldom in a position to dread very much. A childhood visit to the dentist, perhaps, for an especially painful filling something of that apprehension seized me. But it was the nasty dark light in the hall. My Uncle died in this house not three months ago. Before him, he had lost his family, his wife and sister, and two sons. Before them another generation had perished. As Shakespeare points out, it is common for people to die.

Going through into the sitting room, I have put a match to the fire. This has improved things. On a sideboard stands a tray with brandy, whisky and soda. Though it is early for me, I shall pour myself a small measure. I gather the boiler is at work, and I can count on a hot bath. I do not want a chill.

10th September: 2:00 p.m.

The house is a mausoleum. Lucy be blowed, I think I shall sell it. Last night was dreadful. Creaks and groans of woodwork, an eldritch wind at the windows and down the chimneys. I read until nearly two a.m. Then at three I was woken by a persistent owl hooting in the garden trees. I am not a country person. I longed for my warm city flat and the vague roar of traffic.

However, this morning early I went over the place thoroughly, from attic to cellar. There are a great many rooms, more than I should ever want, and the heating would be prohibitive. It is very old fas.h.i.+oned, those thick, bottle-green and oxblood curtains favoured by our grandfathers evidently by mine, and my Uncle William, too enormous cliffs of furniture, and endless curios, some of them I expect very valuable, from the East Egypt, India and China. I am not particularly partial to any of this sort of thing. I find the house uncomfortable, both physically it is cold and damp and aesthetically.

At about eleven thirty, the not very punctual Mrs Gold arrived. I was not surprised. Women are generally unreliable. I have learnt this from Lucy. Nevertheless, I commended Mrs Gold on keeping the house clean, which she has more or less done, and on the supper left for me yesterday. She is a large woman, constructed like a figure-head, with severe grey hair. She began, of course, at once to tell me all about my Uncle, and what she knows of my Grandfather before him. She is, naturally, as her cla.s.s nearly always are, fascinated by details of all the deaths. It was with some difficulty that I got her to resume her work. Going into the library, I then took down some boxes of photographs, and began to go through them, more to pa.s.s the time than anything else. The agent is coming tomorrow, to discuss things, or I would have tried to get home today.

The photographs, most of which have dates and names written on the back, are generally displeasing, many the dull, antique kind where everyone stands like a waxwork, as the primitive camera performs its task. My grandfather was a formidable old boy, with bushy whiskers, in several scenes out in some foreign landscape, clutching his gun, or his spade, for he had been involved in one or two famous excavations, in the East. Here he had taken his own photographs, some of which had appeared in prominent journals of the day. These, obviously, were not among the general portraits, nor was I especially interested to look them out. My father had been wont to tell me, at length, how Grandfather Martyce had taken the very first photograph inside some remarkable ancient tomb. I had found this, I am afraid, extremely boring, then, and scarcely less so now. I have, too, forgotten the location. Lucy has often commented that I am not a romantic. I am glad to say I am not.

Eventually Mrs Gold finished her ministrations, and I went down to learn her wages, which were modest enough. She had put into the oven for me, besides, a substantial hot-pot.

'Your Uncle was very fond of those, I must say,' she announced. 'He relied on me, once the old cook had retired. Mrs Martyce was often ill, you understand, Miss Martyce too. I had a free hand.'

I said something gallant about her cooking. She ignored this.

'It was a great worry,' she said, 'to see them waste away. First the boys, and then the sister and the wife. Your Uncle was the last to go. He was very strong, fought it off, so to speak. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with him. But it was the same as with the ladies, and the children.'

I privately thought that no doubt a reliance on elderly country doctors was to blame here, but I nodded lugubriously, and was apparently antic.i.p.ated.

'Your Grandfather now,' persisted this tragic choric Mrs Gold, glowering on me in the stone kitchen, the pans partly gleaming at her back from her somewhat hard work upon them, 'he was the same, but they put it down to some foreign affliction, bad water, those dirty heathen foods. You understand, Mr Martyce your Uncle, Mr William Martyce, was only in the house a year before he first fell ill. And before that, never a day's indisposion.' I noted that, not only did she employ words she could not, probably, spell, but that she was also able to invent them.

'It seems an unfortunate house,' I said. She appeared to wish me to.

'That's as may be. The cook was never out of sorts, nor any of the maids, while they had them. And I've never had a day in bed, excepting my parturiton.' I a.s.sumed she meant childbirth, and kept a stern face. Mrs Gold was certainly most serious. She said, 'If I was you, sir, I'd put this house up for sale.'

'That might be an idea,' I said.

'Not that I want to cause you misgivings.'

'Not at all. But it will be too big for me, I'm sure.'

When she had gone, I ate the beef sandwiches she had left me, and was grateful her meals were more cheerful than her talk, although I have jotted down here her two interesting words, to make Lucy laugh.

10th September: 6:00 p.m.

I do not like this house. No, I am not being superst.i.tious. I believe there is not a fanciful bone in my body. But it depresses me utterly. The furnis.h.i.+ngs, the darkness, the chilliness, which lighting all the fires I reasonably can in the sitting room, dining room, my bedroom, the library cannot dispel. And the things which so many would find intriguing old letters in bundles, in horrible brown, ornate, indecipherable writing caskets of incenses and peculiar amulets such items fill me with aversion. I want my orderly room with its small fire that warms every inch, my sensible plain chairs, the newspaper, and a good, down-to-earth detective novel.

I have already taken to drink a whisky at lunch, and now another before dinner and even this went awry. I am not a man who spills things. I have a sound eye and a steady hand. However, sitting over the fire in the library, crouching, should I say, with pure ice at my back, I was looking again at some of the more recent photographs. These comprised a picture of my Uncle and his sons on the lawn before the house, and some oddments of him, pruning a small tree, standing with a group I took to be the local vicar and various worthies of the nearby village. In these scenes, my Uncle is about forty, and again about fifty. He looks hale enough, but I had already gathered from the delightful Gold that he was, even then, frequently laid low.

Finally I put the pictures down on the side table, and rested my whisky, half full, beside them. I then stood up to reach for my tobacco. I have often seen Lucy have little accidents like this. Women are inclined to be clumsy, I find, something to do with their physique, probably. In brief, I knocked the table, the whisky gla.s.s skidded over it, and upset its contents in four sploshes, one on each of the photographs.

I gave a curse, I regret to say, and set to mopping up with my handkerchief. The pictures seemed no worse for the libation, and so I went downstairs to refill my gla.s.s. Having looked in on the hot-pot, I decided to give it another half hour, and came back reluctantly upstairs, meaning to try to find some book I could read my own volume was finished during the early hours this morning. There was not much doing in this line, but at last I found some essays on prominent men, and this would have to serve. Returning to the fire in haste, I there found that each of the photographs on which the alcohol had spilled was blotched with an erratic burn. I must say, I had no notion malt whisky could inflict such a wound, but there, I am not a photographer.

This annoyed me. Although I have no interest in the photographs particularly, I know my Father would have had one, and for his sake, I would not have desecrated them. I am not a Vandal. I feel foolishly ashamed of myself.

I began to think then about my Father and my Uncle William, of how they had lost touch with each other, and how, oddly, we had never been on a visit to this house. One a.s.sumes there had come to be a rift between the two men. There was a marked difference in age. Even so, I recall my Father speaking of my Uncle as the former neared his end. 'Poor William,' he said. 'What could I do?' I had not wanted to press him, his heart was giving out.

Irritated, uneasy and out of sorts, I have pushed the damaged photographs together, and come down again, to eat of Mrs Gold's bounty.

10th September: 10:30 p.m.

Something very odd. How to put this down...Well, I had better be as scientific as I can. I had forgotten my book, and, deciding on an early bed, since I am feeling rather fatigued the country air, no doubt I came up to the library to collect the volume. It lay on the table, and going to pick it up, I saw again the spoiled photographs.

While I had been downstairs dining, something had gone on. The stains had changed, rather they had taken on a colour, deep swirls of raw red and sickly yellow. This was particularly unpleasant on the black and white surface of the original scenes. I examined each photograph in turn, and all four were now disfigured in this way. I had already resolved that it was no use crying over spilt milk, or whisky, to be more precise, and was about to put them down again, when something else arrested my attention.

Of course, I am aware that random arrangements or marks can take on apparently coherent forms the 'faces' that one occasionally makes out in the trunks of old trees, for example, or the famous Rorschach inkblot test. Yes, the random may form the seemingly concrete, and mean very little, save in the realms of imagination and psychiatry.

However. However where the whisky had burned the photographs, a shape had been formed, now very definite, and filled in by rich, bilious colour. Not in fact a shape that I could recognize yet, yet it was consistent, for in each of the four pictures, it was almost exactly the same. And it was it is a horrible shape. Most decidedly that. I do not like it. There is something repulsive, odious, about it. I suppose that is because it is like some sort of creature and yet a creature that can hardly, I would think, exist.

Then, I am being rather silly. I had better describe what I see. What is the matter with me?

There, I have had another whisky I shall certainly have a thick head in the morning! and I will write this down with a steady hand.

The thing that the whisky has burnt out in the photographs is, in each one, identical, allowing for certain differences of what I shall have to call posture, and size. It has the head of a sort of frog, but this is horned, with two flat horns or possibly ears that slant out from its head sideways. The body is bulbous at the front, and it has two arms or forelegs, which end in paws, resembling those of a large cat. The body ends not in legs, but in a tail like that of a slug. This is all bad enough, but in the visage or head are always two red dots, that give the impression of eyes.

It is a beastly thing. I fear I cannot convey how vile, nor what a turn it has given me.

The varying size of the what shall I call it? apparition? is another matter. I can only conclude the whisky fell in a smaller drop here, a larger there. Although that is not what I recollect quite. It seemed to me my drink had spread in roughly equal splashes on each photograph. But there.

In these two, where my Uncle William prunes the tree, the thing is quite small. But here, where he is in conversation with the vicar and the worthies, it is larger. And here, where William is standing with his sons, the thing is at its largest.

It is so curiously placed in this view, that it seems to recline at William's very feet, s.p.a.cing its paws for balance. In relation to the man and boys, it is the equivalent of a medium-sized dog. I cannot escape the illusion that it has not grown bigger, but got nearer. That way madness lies.

If there were a telephone here, I would put a call through to Saunders, or Eric Smith, even to Lucy. But there is no telephone. Perhaps, a good thing. What would I say?

I know I am behaving in an irrational and idiotic manner. I must pull myself together.

I have put the photographs back on the table and turned them face down. I shall go up and take a couple of aspirins. Obviously, in months to come, I will reread these entries and laugh at them.

11th September: 11:00 a.m.

Johnson, the agent, arrived efficiently at ten, and we perfunctorily discussed my plans. I had no hesitation in telling him that I would probably wish to put the house up for sale. I pa.s.sed a restless night, mostly lying listening to the grim silence of this place. I would have been glad for the creaking of the boards I had heard on my first night, even for the boisterous owl. But both failed me. Everything seemed locked in the cupboard of the darkness, and now and then, like a child, I sighed or moved about, to make some sound.

I got a little sleep for an hour or so after dawn, and came down bleary-eyed but resolved. I had put myself into a foolish state over those confounded burns on the photographs. Perhaps this is the price for allowing myself to become a middle-aged bachelor. No matter. I am going back to London this evening. Back to traffic and fog and lights, and human company if I wish it. I must take myself in hand. I do not want to become one of those querulous neurasthenic fools one reads of. Good G.o.d, I have gone through a World War, and although luck put me out of the way of most of the action, I was ready enough to do my part. Is some childish horror going to undo me now?

As he was leaving, Johnson recommended that I seek out the vicar. 'If you want to know anything about your Uncle's tenancy here, that is.'

'Oh, yes. A Reverend Dale, I believe.'

'That's right. He's getting on, but pretty spry. A wise old bird.'

I said that I might not have the time, but thanked Johnson all the same. What, after all, did I want to know? My Grandfather's forays in the East did not interest me, and all the rest seemed decline, disease, and death. Charming points of conversation besides, the bubbling Mrs Gold had already rejoiced me with enough of all that.

'Incidentally, Johnson,' I said, as I saw him to the door, 'I suppose there is some use of photography in your business.'

'There is,' he agreed.

'I wonder if you've ever heard of alcohol making a burn on a photograph?'

'Well, I never have,' he said. He thought deeply. 'It might, perhaps. But not anything pure, I wouldn't have thought.'

'Whisky,' I said.

'From a still, maybe. Not the stuff in a bottle. Why do you ask?'

'Oh, something a friend told me of.'

Johnson shrugged and laughed. 'A waste of a good beverage,' he said.

When he was gone, I made a decision. It was because I had begun to feel angry.

Mrs Gold was not to come today until three, but she had left me another cold plate. This I tried to eat, but did not really fancy it, although I had had no breakfast.

Eventually I took the largest soup tureen I could find from the kitchen, and the whisky decanter, and went up to the library. The quickest way to be rid of my 'monster' was to carry out an experiment. It was quite simple. I would place a selection of photographs in the tureen and pour over them enough whisky to cover them entirely. Either nothing would happen to them, or they would burn burn all over into yellow and red. And that would be that. No random marks, no possible coincidences of shape. No doubt the pictures that I spoiled underwent some flaw in their reproduction, or there was some weakness in the material on which they were printed. I was confident, to the point of belligerence, that by this means I should be free of the horror I had unwittingly unleashed. As for ruining more photographs, if I did so, there comes a point where one must put oneself first.

I set the tureen down on the big table in the library. Outside, the birds were singing. There was a view of the lawn, and the big oaks, golden and crimson in the dying of the leaves. It is a sunny day.

I took three photographs from the box more or less at random, a scene of my Uncle and his son by the little summer house, the two boys playing some game under the trees when they were small. To this selection I added one of the former casualties, the photograph of my Uncle pruning the tree. One thing I had made sure of, the three new scenes were of different dates, and had therefore been processed on other paper.

Dropping the four into the bowl, I poured in a generous measure of the whisky. A waste, as Johnson had said.

I have come away to write this, leaving a proper s.p.a.ce of time, and now I am going back to look. There will be nothing, I believe, or complete obliteration. I am already beginning to feel I have made an idiot of myself. Perhaps I will tear out these pages.

11th September: 6:00 p.m.

The walk down to the village, just under a mile and a half, took me longer than it should have. I arrived feeling quite done up, and went into the little pub, which had some quaint name I forget, and had a brandy and soda.

Across the green was the vicarage, a picturesque building of grey stone, and behind it the Norman church, probably of interest to those with an historical concern. When I got to the vicarage door, and knocked, a homely fat woman came and let me in, all smiles, to the vicar's den. It was a nice, masculine place, redolent of pipe smoke, with a big dog lying on the hearth, who wagged his tail at me politely.

The Reverend Dale greeted me, and called for tea, which the fat nymph presently brought with a plate of her own shortbread. This tasted very good, although I am afraid I could eat no more than a bite.

The vicar let me settle myself, and we talked about ordinary things, the autumn, elements of the country round about, and of London. At last, leaning forward, the old man peered at me through his gla.s.ses. 'Are you quite well, Mr Martyce?'

'Perfectly. Just a trifle tired. I haven't slept well at the house.'

He looked long at me and said, 'I'm afraid people often don't.'

I took a deep breath. 'In what way?' I asked.

'Your family, Mr Martyce, has been inclined to insomnia there. The domestics have never complained. Indeed, I never heard a servant from there that had anything but praise for the house and the family. Mrs Allen, the former cook, retired only when she was seventy-six and could no longer manage. She was loath to go.'

'But my family there has been a deal of illness.'