The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 47

A ROYAL DECISION.

THE Princess of Prussia, having ordered some silks from Lyons, they were stopped for duties by an excise officer, whom she ordered to attend her with the silks, and receive his demand. On his entrance into her apartment, the princess flew at the officer, and seizing the merchandise, gave him two or three hearty cuffs on the face. The mortified exciseman complained to the king in a memorial, to which his majesty returned the following answer:

"The loss of the duties belonging to my account, the silks are to remain in the possession of the princess, and the cuffs with the receiver. As to the alleged dishonor, I cancel the same, at the request of the complainant; but it is, of itself, null; for the white hand of a fair lady cannot possibly dishonor the face of an exciseman.

FREDERICK."

_Berlin, Nov. 30th, 1778._

FELLOW FEELING.

A LADY'S favorite dog having bitten a piece out of a male visitor's leg, she exclaimed, "Poor dear little creature! _I hope it will not make him sick._"

UNREASONABLE FASTING.

TWO gentlemen, wis.h.i.+ng to go into a tavern on one of the national fast-days, found the door shut; and on their knocking, the waiter told them from within, that his master would allow no one to enter during service on the fast-day. "Your master," said one of them, "might be contented _to fast himself_, without making his _doors fast too_."

A WHIMSICAL IDEA.

A n.o.bLE lord asked a clergyman at the foot of his table, why, if there was a goose at dinner, it was always placed next the parson. "Really,"

said he, "I can give no reason for it; but your question is so odd, that I shall never after see a _goose_ without thinking of your lords.h.i.+p."

THE BREECHES-MAKER CAPTAIN.

A CAPTAIN in a volunteer corps, drilling his company, had occasion to desire one of the gentlemen to step farther out in marching. The order not being attended to, was repeated in a peremptory tone, when the private exclaimed, "I cannot, captain, _you have made my breeches too tight_."

t.i.t FOR TAT.

TWO contractors, who had made large fortunes, had a quarrel. One of them, in the midst of the altercation, asked the other contemptuously, "Do you remember, Sir, when you were my footman?" The other answered, "I do; and had you been my footman, you would have been a footman still."

SOUND ARGUMENT.

A SAILOR being about to set out for India, a citizen asked him:

"Where did your father die?"

"In s.h.i.+pwreck."

"And where did your grandfather die?"

"As he was fis.h.i.+ng, a storm arose, and the bark foundering, all on board perished."

"And your great-grandfather?"

"He also perished on board a s.h.i.+p which struck on a rock."

"Then," said the citizen, "if I were you, _I would never go to sea_."

"And pray, Mr. Philosopher," observed the seaman, "where did your father die?"

"In his bed."

"And your grandfather?"

"In his bed."

"And your great-grandfather?"

"He and all my ancestors died quietly in their beds."

"Then, if I were you, _I would never go to bed_."

INGRAt.i.tUDE.

WHEN the _School for Scandal_ was first performed, Mr. c.u.mberland sat in the front of the stage box with the most complete apathy; its wit and humor never affected his risible muscles. This being reported to Mr.

Sheridan, he observed, "That was very ungrateful, for I am sure I laughed heartily at his tragedy of _The Battle of Hastings_."