The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 58

NO STRANGER.

A HUMOROUS divine, visiting a gentleman whose wife none of the most amiable, overheard his friend say, "If it were not for the stranger in the next room, I would kick you out of doors." Upon which, the clergyman stepped in, and said, "Pray, sir, make no stranger of me."

BOTH ONE.

AN honest clergyman, in the country, was reproving a married couple for their frequent dissensions, seeing they were both one. "Both one!" cried the husband; "were you to come by our door sometimes, when we quarrel, you would swear we were twenty."

PRESS AND SQUEEZE.

A FRENCHMAN having frequently heard the word _press_ made use of to imply _persuade_, as, "press that gentleman to take some refreshment,"

"press him to stay to-night," thought he would show his talents, by using a synonymous term; and therefore made no scruple, one evening, to cry out in company, "Pray _squeeze_ that lady to sing."

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.

A CERTAIN gentleman, not well skilled in orthography, requested his friend to send him _too_ monkeys. The _t_ not being distinctly written, his friend concluded his _too_ was intended for 100. With difficulty, he procured fifty, which he sent; adding, "The other fifty, agreeable to your order, will be forwarded as soon as possible."

LONG NOSE.

A GENTLEMAN having put out a candle, by accident, one night, ordered his waiting-man, who was a simple being, to light it again in the kitchen.

"But take care, John," added he, "that you do not hit yourself against anything, in the dark." Mindful of the caution, John stretched out both his arms at full length, before him; but unluckily, a door, which stood half open, pa.s.sed between his hands, and struck him a woful blow upon the nose. "d.i.c.kens!" muttered he, when he recovered his senses a little, "I always heard that I had a plaguey long nose, but I vow I never have thought, before, that it was longer than my arm."

RIDING DOUBLE.

AN Irish sailor, as he was riding, made a pause; the horse, in beating off the flies, caught his hind foot in the stirrup. The sailor observing it, exclaimed, "How now, Dobbin, if you are going to get on, I will get off; for, by the powers, I will not ride double with you."

BEGIN RIGHT.

AN Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons. The flute-player informed him that he generally charged two guineas for the first month, and one guinea for the second. "Then, by my sowl," replied the cunning Hibernian, "I'll come the second month."

INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHOENIX.

THE Thomas Hunt had arrived, she lay at the wharf at New Town, and a rumor had reached our ears that "the Judge" was on board. Public anxiety had been excited to the highest pitch to witness the result of the meeting between us. It had been stated publicly that "the Judge" would whip us the moment he arrived; but though we thought a conflict probable, we had never been very sanguine as to its terminating in this manner. Coolly we gazed from the window of the Office upon the New Town road; we descried a cloud of dust in the distance; high above it waved a whip lash, and we said, "'The Judge' cometh, and 'his driving is like that of Jehu the son of Nims.h.i.+, for he driveth furiously.'"

Calmly we seated ourselves in the "_arm chair_," and continued our labors upon our magnificent Pictorial. Anon, a step, a heavy step, was heard upon the stairs, and "the Judge" stood before us.

"In shape and gesture proudly eminent, he stood like a tower: ... but his face deep scars of thunder had intrenched, and care sat on his faded cheek; but under brows of dauntless courage and pride, waiting revenge."

"We rose, and with an unfaltering voice said: "Well, Judge, how do you do?" He made no reply but commenced taking off his coat.

We removed ours, also our cravat.

The sixth and last round, is described by the pressman and compositors, as having been fearfully scientific. We held "the Judge" down over the Press by our nose (which we had inserted between his teeth for that purpose), and while our hair was employed in holding one of his hands we held the other in our left, and with the "sheep's foot" brandished above our head, shouted to him, "Say Waldo," "Never!" he gasped--

"O my Bigler!" he would have muttered, But that he "dried up," ere the word was uttered.

At this moment we discovered that we had been laboring under a "misunderstanding," and through the amicable intervention of the pressman, who thrust a roller between our faces (which gave the whole affair a very different complexion), the _matter_ was finally settled on the most friendly terms--"and without prejudice to the honor of either party." We write this while sitting without any clothing, except our left stocking, and the rim of our hat encircling our neck like a "ruff"

of the Elizabethan era--that article of dress having been knocked over our head at an early stage of the proceedings, and the crown subsequently torn off, while "the Judge" is sopping his eye with cold water, in the next room, a small boy standing beside the sufferer with a basin, and glancing with interest over the advertis.e.m.e.nts on the second page of the San Diego Herald, a fair copy of which was struck off upon the back of his s.h.i.+rt, at the time we held him over the Press. Thus ends our description of this long antic.i.p.ated personal collision, of which the public can believe precisely as much as they please; if they disbelieve the whole of it, we shall not be at all offended, but can simply quote as much to the point, what might have been the commencement of our epitaph, had we fallen in the conflict,

"HERE LIES PHOENIX."

_Phoenixiana._

INCREDULITY.

A GENTLEMAN telling a very improbable story, and observing one of the company cast a doubtful eye, "Zounds, Sir," says he, "_I saw the thing happen._" "If you did," says the other, "I _must_ believe it; but I would not have believed it if I had seen it myself."

A SECOND METHUSELAH.

A STATUARY was directed to inscribe on a monument the age of the deceased, namely 81. The person who gave the order recollecting, however, that it should have been 82, desired the sculptor to add one year more; and the veteran to whose memory this stone was erected, is recorded as having "departed this life at the advanced age of 811!"