The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 76

BOB SMITH and Bill Davis, a couple of boys in the full costume of the "order" chummy, were charged with the high crime and misdemeanor of having attempted to violate that portion of the British Const.i.tution, contained in the act relating to the removal of rubbish, by carrying off a portion of the contents of Lord Derby's dusthole, the property of the dust contractor.

"Please your lords.h.i.+p's grace," said the dust contractor's deputy, "master and me has lately lost a hunaccountable lot o' dust off our beat, and as ve nat'rally know'd 'at it couldn't have vanished if no body had a prigged it, vy consekvent_lye_ I keeps a look out for them 'ere unlegal covies vot goes out a dusting on the _cross_. Vhile I vos out in Growener-skvare, I saw'd both these here two young criminals slip down his lords.h.i.+p's airy and begin a shoveling his lords.h.i.+p's stuff into von of their sackses. I drops on 'em in the werry hidentikle hact, and collers both on 'em vith master's property."

_Mr. Conant:_ You hear the charge, my lads--what have you to say in defence?

_Smith:_ Ve vorks for the house, my lud.

_Mr. Conant:_ Is it your business to take away the dust?

_Smith:_ No, my lud--ve're the rig'lar chimbly sveeps vot sveeps his luds.h.i.+p's chimblys. Both on us call'd on his luds.h.i.+p to arsk if his luds.h.i.+p's chimblys vonted sveeping--and ve larnt that they didn't; so, my lud, as ve happened to see a lady sifting cinders in his luds.h.i.+p's airy, ve arks'd her if she could be so werry hobliging as to let us have a shovelful. She granted our demand vith the greatest perliteness, and jest as ve vos about to cut our sticks, that there chap comes up and lugs us avay to this here hoffice.

_Mr. Conant:_ The case is proved, and the act says you must be fined 10_l._ Have you got 10_l._ a-piece?

_Smith:_ (_grinning from ear to ear_)--Me got ten _pounds!_ I should like to see a cove vot ever had sitch a precious sum _all at vonce_. All as ever I got is threeha'pence-farden, and a bag of marbles; (_to the other_)--you got any capital, Bill?

_Bill:_ Ain't got nuffin--spent my last _brown_ on Vensday for a baked tater.

Mr. Conant looked over the act with a view of ascertaining if power had been granted to mitigate; but the legislature had so carefully provided for the enormity of the offence, that nothing less than the full penalty would, according to the act, satisfy the justice of the case.

The fine of 10_l._ each was imposed, or ten days' imprisonment.

ARBOREAL.

A RATHER foolish man of great wealth, was asked one day, if he had his genealogical tree.

"I don't know," he replied; "I have a great many trees, and I dare say I have that one. I will ask my gardener."

EXPLICIT.

IN an Irish provincial journal there is an advertis.e.m.e.nt running thus:--

"Wanted--a handy laborer, who can plow a married man and a Protestant, with a son or daughter."

BAD COUGH.

A FRIEND of ours was traveling lately, while afflicted with a very bad cough. He annoyed his fellow travelers greatly, till finally one of them remarked in a tone of displeasure--

"Sir, that is a very bad cough of yours."

"True, Sir," replied our friend, "but you will excuse me--it's the best I've got."

JUSTICE.

A WORKMAN, who was mounted on a high scaffold to repair a town clock, fell from his elevated station, upon a man who was pa.s.sing. The workman escaped unhurt, but the man upon whom he fell, died. The brother of the deceased accused the workman of murder, had him arrested, and brought to trial. He pursued him with the utmost malignity, and would not admit a word in his defence. At length the judge, provoked at his unfounded hostility, gave the following judgment:

"Let the accused stand in the same spot whereon the dead man stood, and let the brother mount the scaffold, to the workman's old place and fall upon him. Thus will justice be satisfied."

The brother withdrew his suit.

POSTHUMOUS.

AN Irish student was once asked what was meant by posthumous works.

"They are such works," says the Paddy, "as a man writes after he is dead."

AN INSTANCE OF REMARKABLE COOLNESS.

KNICKERBOCKER Magazine picks up a good many good things. In the December number we find a story which runs thus:--"Judge B., of New Haven, is a talented lawyer and a great wag. He has a son, Sam, a graceless wight, witty, and, like his father fond of mint juleps and other palatable "fluids." The father and son were on a visit to Niagara Falls. Each was anxious to "take a nip," but (one for example, and the other in dread of hurting the old man's feelings) equally unwilling to drink in the presence of the other. "Sam," said the Judge, "I'll take a short walk--be back shortly." "All right," replied Sam, and after seeing the old gentleman safely around the corner, he walked out quickly, and ordered a julep at a bar-room. While _in concocto_, the Judge entered, and (Sam just then being back of a newspaper, and consequently viewing, though viewless,) ordered a julep. The second was compounded, and the Judge was just adjusting his tube for a cooling draught, when Sam stepped up, and taking up his gla.s.s, requested the bar-tender to take his pay for both juleps from the bill the old gentleman had handed out to him! The surprise of the Judge was only equalled by his admiration for his son's coolness; and he exclaimed, "Sam! Sam!--you need no julep to cool _you_!" Sam "allowed" that he didn't."

LIBERALITY.

"PLEASE, Sir," said a little beggar girl to her charitable patron, "you have given me a bad sixpence." "Never mind," was the reply, "you may keep it for your honesty."

PEDANTRY REPROVED.

A YOUNG MAN, who was a student in one of our colleges, being very vain of his knowledge of the Latin language, embraced every opportunity that offered, to utter short sentences in Latin before his more illiterate companions. An uncle of his, who was a seafaring man, having just arrived from a long voyage, invited his nephew to visit him on board of the s.h.i.+p. The young gentleman went on board, and was highly pleased with everything he saw. Wis.h.i.+ng to give his uncle an idea of his superior knowledge, he tapped him on the shoulder, and pointing to the windla.s.s, asked, "Quid est hoc?" His uncle, being a man who despised such vanity, took a chew of tobacco from his mouth, and throwing it in his nephew's face, replied, "Hoc est _quid_."