Three Hats Part 1

Three Hats.

by Alfred Debrun.

ACT I.

SCENE.--Drawing-room; door, L., at back looking into hall; chimney piece R. centre; doors on R. side in second and third entrances; door on left second entrance; window left; small sofa and armchair towards front; escritoire front, L. Music to take up curtain, "We Won't Go Home Till Morning," played, piano.

As curtain rises stage is unoccupied and in semi-darkness, SELWYN opens door at back, L., and quietly creeps across, the collar of his overcoat is up, and his hat is dripping with rain. He goes R. on tiptoe and off third entrance, then returns to fix a paper on door and exit same way. FRED BELLAMY then enters by door at back, L., and executes similar business, holding his muddy boots in his hand, exit, L., second entrance.

Enter DIBBS door right second entrance, yawning and stretching himself, he carries feather brush in his hand.

DIBBS. Ooh! What a shame to have to turn out just when you begin to appreciate your pillow. (Reading paper on door, R.) "Call me at tea-time." (Crossing to L. and reading paper on other door.) "Don't call me until to-morrow." (Looking at clock on chimney piece.) Hullo! Only _seven_ o'clock! I'm up too soon! I have cheated myself out of a clear hour in bed. Shall I go back again? No! The governor's left out his cigars and I know the best brands he keeps three sorts--these cost about sixpence each and he smokes 'em himself--these are worth perhaps twopence and are for the use of his friends--and these he gives to his father-in-law, warranted real cabbage, five s.h.i.+llings a hundred! I'm not his father-in-law, and I'm not his friend, so I'll have a dip in here. (Taking some from first box.) It's strange my tastes and the governor's should be so similar--we both like the best of everything! (Lighting cigar.) I'm not in a bad billet here, nothing to do and no end of leisure to do it in, especially when the missus is away; she's gone to her aunt's at Tunbridge Wells, so master and his friend, Mr. Fred Bellamy, are left to do as they like. (Sits in easy chair, L.)

TILLY (entering, R. 2 E.). n.o.body's up yet and so I can go to the window and kiss my hand to the night policeman before he goes off his beat. (Going to window.) There he is, leaning against the lamp post like a "Polly bellvurdear" in blue. It's 'is whiskers as first won my heart! I always had a weakness for whiskers and I'm sure they are the finest in the force! Oh!

what rapture to hear the clergyman say to those whiskers, "Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife," and to hear those whiskers reply, "I will," and then to walk arm in arm with them down the church----(DIBBS comes behind her and takes her by the waist; she screams.) Ah!

DIBBS. Caught you, have I? Making signals to the bobby.

I'll signal him! (Puts finger to his nose at window.)

TILLY. Oh! You impudent young rascal, how dare you insult a full-grown man; you without so much, as an 'air to your upper lip.

DIBBS. I'd rather have no mustarchers than a couple of blacking brushes under my ears! He's gone now! You'd better look on _me_ with an eye of admiration.

TILLY. You! You bare-faced brat! Smoking, too! Won't you be ill, that's all.

DIBBS. Pooh! I've been a smoker ever since I was a boy!

(MR. SELWYN'S voice heard outside calling DIBBS.) Hullo! the old rooster's up early! (Voice, "DIBBS!")

TILLY. I shall be off, he's sure to be out of temper; masters and missuses are always grumpy when they first get up. (DIBBS kisses TILLY, who slaps him. Exit, L. U. E.)

SEL. (heard off). Dibbs, _are_ you coming?

DIBBS. Yessir! (He endeavors to extinguish lighted cigar by blowing on it, then opens window and fans the air with feather brush to get rid of smoke.)

Enter SELWYN, looking very seedy, R. 3 E., in dressing-gown and carrying a tall hat in his hand which he holds behind him. He has an "up-all-night" appearance.

SEL. What the deuce are you doing?

DIBBS. Dusting, sir! (He hides cigar in trousers' pocket.)

SEL. Do you generally dust _the air_?

DIBBS. Dust everything, sir. (Aside.) Dash that cigar! It ain't out! (He pulls it secretly from trousers' pocket and again endeavors to extinguish it.)

SEL. Is Mr. Bellamy about yet?

DIBBS. Not yet, sir.

SEL. Go and call him; say I want to speak to him at once.

DIBBS. Yessir! (Returning.) As a rule he ain't partial to being called before eleven, sir!

SEL. Rubbis.h.!.+ I always encourage early rising! _When I am up first myself!_

DIBBS (aside). The boss is in a bad temper, perhaps he's had the nightmare! (DIBBS knocks at door, L. 2 E. Sleepy voice replies, "What the devil do you want?")

(Exit DIBBS, L. 2 E. entrance.

SEL. Not a moment is to be lost! My wife will be home by the first train and if she catches sight of this infernal tile she'll ask questions. That's the worst of wives, they _will_ be so inquisitive! Damocles had a sword hanging over his head, I have a hat! (Putting hat on secretaire.) Now to write to its owner. (Sitting at table.) "Sir, pardon my hastiness last evening"----

DIBBS (entering, L.). Mr. Bellamy's coming, sir.

SEL. (irritably). Coming! Why don't he come! He's always putting things off!

DIBBS. He's not putting 'em _off_ this time, sir, he's putting 'em _on_! (Pantomimes getting into trousers.)

SEL. (finis.h.i.+ng letter). That will do! A frank but dignified apology. (Addressing envelope.)--"Tompkins, Esq." n.o.body called this morning inquiring for me, I suppose, Dibbs?

DIBBS. No, sir! (Looking hard at SELWYN.) Lord, sir, how "squiffy" you do look this morning.

SEL. (sternly). "Squiffy," Dibbs?

DIBBS. Yessir--off color!

SEL. (more sternly). "Off color," Dibbs?

DIBBS. Yessir! Dotty about the eye-ball. For all the world as though you'd been out on the razzle-dazzle last night, sir.

SEL. Dibbs, I request that you will not indulge in slang out of your proper sphere--the kitchen. (Aside.) He's right! I _am_ "squiffy"--in fact, I never was "squiffier." Fetch my smoking cap! (Exit DIBBS, R.) It would be rash of me to a.s.sert that I was not "off color" and as to being prepared to take my oath that I did not feel "dotty about the eye-ball" I couldn't do it!

DIBBS (re-entering from R.). Your smoking cap, sir! (He grins at SELWYN.)

SEL. What are you grinning at?

DIBBS. Nothing, sir--except your bed ain't a bit tumbled!

SEL. What of that? I suffered from the toothache and had to walk about all night!

DIBBS. Then the roof must want mending, for the rain comes into your room, sir--your clothes are all sopping wet! Oh, sir, _if_ I didn't know you, sir, I should say you had taken advantage of the missus' absence to go out on the kick!

SEL. Dibbs, would you dare!----

DIBBS. I say, sir _if_ I did not know you!

SEL. (aside). This boy knows too much for me! (Aloud; showing coin.) See nothing, say nothing!

DIBBS. Oh, sir! Don't force it on me! (Takes money and puts it in his pocket.) It shall be a secret between _man and man_.