Three Hats Part 17

DIBBS. Oh! So the old cuckoo ain't Tompkins at all!

SEL. (hat in hand). Isn't this yours? (Crosses to BLITHERS.)

BLITH. Emphatically--No!

SEL. Then it wasn't _you_ I--(making gesture of fighting) last night?

BLITH. No!

SEL. (threateningly). Then what the devil do you mean by allowing me to apologize.

BLITH. How could I help it?

SEL. _You_ have got _my_ hat, though!

BLITH. I've been here with it three or four times. I'm glad to get rid of it! (SELWYN s.n.a.t.c.hes it, and goes up leaving other hat in his hand.)

CAPT. K. (to BLITHERS). Sir, I made a formal request of you, this morning.

BLITH. Stop! _That's_ my hat! (Taking hat quickly from CAPT. KATSKILL'S hand.)

CAPT. K. Your's? Then it was _you_ who gave me the "oner?"

BLITH. Not that I am aware of, my good young man!

SEL. (aside). Last night seems to have been very pugilistic.

CAPT. K. I was standing outside my club, after giving a farewell supper to some bachelor friends, when my hat was rudely knocked off!

BLITH. Not by _me_, sir, I a.s.sure you.

DIBBS (aside). The mixture as before! They want _me_ to help 'em again! (Taking hat that SELWYN gave to BLITHERS.) This is _your_ hat, I think, Captain?

CAPT. K. Yes, how did you get it, you spalpeen?

DIBBS. Well, sir, to tell the truth it wasn't this gent (pointing to BLITHERS) who boxed you, but _this_ one! (Pointing to SELWYN.)

SEL. (aside). Oh! That d.a.m.ned boy will be the death of me!

DIBBS (aside to SELWYN). All right, sir. The milingtary gent's in love with Miss Grace, so you are safe!

SEL. Is he? Then my life may be spared!

CAPT. K. (threateningly). So, sir, it was you!

SEL. Yes! But we will not resume our fistic encounter--remember, I am your future father-in-law! (Aside.) He may as well have Grace now that's Fred's got another flame!

CAPT. K. The Katskills of Kilkenny _never_ bear malice!--Your hand!

SEL. Don't mention it! (They go up, C.)

DIBBS (down, L.). I knew I could get things straight!

Enter MRS. SELWYN and GRACE.

MRS. S. Painful as it is to go into these family matters before _you_, Mr. Tompkins. (Addressing BLITHERS.)

BLITH. I beg your pardon--_Blithers_!

SEL. (coming down C. to MRS. SELWYN). Yes, dear--Blithers--you are mixing things up!

MRS. S. Well, Blithers, if you wish--my husband's conduct last night with this Miss--I do not know her name----

FRED. (Bringing LOTTIE forward). Mrs. Bellamy!

MRS. S. (astonished). Mrs. Bellamy!

SEL. (to MRS. SELWYN). I told you, dear, you were mixing things up!

MRS. S. (to SELWYN). But, Samuel, you confessed to me you met this lady----

SEL. I never saw her in all my life!

FRED. Certainly not _last_ night, for _I_ was with her the whole evening!

BLITH. I can testify to the truth of that!

MRS. S. Are you conspiring to deceive me?

SEL. No, my dear. The fact is, I may have _appeared_ to have been rather in a hobble, but it was all a.s.sumed--all put on, my dear. Every bit of it, and if _you_ don't understand it, I do, and so don't make yourself ridiculous before visitors--but give your consent to the Captain having our little Gracie!

GRACE. Oh! dear papa!

CAPT. K. (to GRACE). Me jewel!

MRS. S. I certainly _don't_ understand it, but I suppose it's all right?

SEL. Perfectly, my dear! It was that stupid Dibbs who was at the bottom of it all to begin with.

DIBBS (indignantly). Me! (Down, L.)

SEL. (winks). Yes! I thought at first of discharging him, but I have decided to give him another chance, and a rise in his wages. (Bringing BLITHERS and CAPTAIN KATSKILL down C., and aside to BLITHERS.) How did _you_ become possessed of my head-gear?

BLITH. Well, as you took mine from Mr. Dobbinson's hat-stand what was I to do?

SEL. (to CAPTAIN KATSKILL). How did the name of Tompkins get into _your_ chimney-pot, Captain?

CAPT. K. It's my _hatter's_ name--not mine!