The Book of Humorous Verse Part 142

A GREAT FIGHT

"There was a man in Arkansaw As let his pa.s.sions rise, And not unfrequently picked out Some other varmint's eyes.

"His name was Tuscaloosa Sam And often he would say, 'There's not a cuss in Arkansaw I can't whip any day.'

"One morn, a stranger pa.s.sin' by, Heard Sammy talkin' so, And down he scrambled from his hoss, And off his coat did go.

"He sorter kinder shut one eye, And spit into his hand, And put his ugly head one side, And twitched his trowsers' band.

"'My boy,' says he, 'it's my belief, Whomever you may be, That I kin make you screech, and smell Pertiklor agony.'

"I'm thar,' said Tuscaloosa Sam, And chucked his hat away; 'I'm thar,' says he, and b.u.t.toned up As far as b.u.t.tons may.

"He thundered on the stranger's mug, The stranger pounded he; And oh! the way them critters fit Was beautiful to see.

"They clinched like two rampageous bears, And then went down a bit; They swore a stream of six-inch oaths And fit, and fit, and fit.

"When Sam would try to work away, And on his pegs to git, The stranger'd pull him back; and so, They fit, and fit, and fit!

"Then like a pair of lobsters, both Upon the ground were knit, And yet the varmints used their teeth, And fit, and fit, and fit!!

"The sun of noon was high above, And hot enough to split, But only riled the fellers more, That fit, and fit, and fit!!!

"The stranger snapped at Samy's nose, And shortened it a bit; And then they both swore awful hard, And fit, and fit, and fit!!!!

"The mud it flew, the sky grew dark, And all the litenins lit; But still them critters rolled about, And fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!

"First Sam on top, then t'other chap; When one would make a hit, The other'd smell the gra.s.s; and so They fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!

"The night came on, the stars shone out As bright as wimmen's wit; And still them fellers swore and gouged, And fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!!

"The neighbours heard the noise they made, And thought an earthquake lit; Yet all the while 'twas him and Sam As fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!!!

"For miles around the noise was heard; Folks couldn't sleep a bit, Because them two rantankerous chaps Still fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!!!!

"But jist at c.o.c.k-crow, suddenly, There came an awful pause, And I and my old man run out To ascertain the cause.

"The sun was rising in the yeast, And lit the hull concern; But not a sign of either chap Was found at any turn.

"Yet, in the region where they fit, We found, to our surprise, One pint of b.u.t.tons, two big knives, Some whiskers, and four, eyes!"

_Robert Henry Newell._

THE DONNYBROOK JIG

Oh! 'twas Dermot O'Nolan M'Figg, That could properly handle a twig, He wint to the fair, and kicked up a dust there, In dancing a Donnybrook jig--with his twig.

Oh! my blessing to Dermot M'Figg.

Whin he came to the midst of the fair, He was all in a paugh for fresh air, For the fair very soon, was as full--as the moon, Such mobs upon mobs as were there, oh rare!

So more luck to sweet Donnybrook Fair.

But Dermot, his mind on love bent, In search of his sweetheart he went, Peep'd in here and there, as he walked through the fair, And took a small drop in each tent--as he went,-- Oh! on whisky and love he was bent.

And who should he spy in a jig, With a meal-man so tall and so big, But his own darling Kate, so gay and so nate?

Faith! her partner he hit him a dig--the pig, He beat the meal out of his wig.

The piper, to keep him in tune, Struck up a gay lilt very soon; Until an arch wag cut a hole in the bag, And at once put an end to the tune--too soon-- Och! the music flew up to the moon.

The meal-man he looked very shy, While a great big tear stood in his eye, He cried, "Lord, how I'm kilt, all alone for that jilt; With her may the devil fly high in the sky, For I'm murdered, and don't know for why."

"Oh!" says Dermot, and he in the dance, Whilst a step to'ards his foe did advance, "By the Father of Men, say but that word again, And I'll soon knock you back in a trance--to your dance, For with me you'd have but small chance."

"But," says Kitty, the darlint, says she, "If you'll only just listen to me, It's myself that will show that he can't be your foe, Though he fought for his cousin--that's me," says she, "For sure Billy's related to me.

"For my own cousin-jarmin, Anne Wild, Stood for Biddy Mulroony's first child; And Biddy's step-son, sure he married Bess Dunn, Who was gossip to Jenny, as mild a child As ever at mother's breast smiled.

"And may be you don't know Jane Brown, Who served goat's-whey in Dundrum's sweet town?

'Twas her uncle's half-brother, who married my mother, And bought me this new yellow gown, to go down When the marriage was held in Milltown."

"By the powers, then," says Dermot, "'tis plain, Like the son of that rapscallion Cain, My best friend I have kilt, though no blood is spilt, But the devil a harm did I mane--that's plain; And by me he'll be ne'er kilt again."

_Viscount Dillon._

UNFORTUNATE MISS BAILEY

A captain bold from Halifax who dwelt in country quarters, Betrayed a maid who hanged herself one morning in her Garters.

His wicked conscience smited him, he lost his Stomach daily, And took to drinking Ratafia while thinking of Miss Bailey.

One night betimes he went to bed, for he had caught a Fever; Says he, "I am a handsome man, but I'm a gay Deceiver."

His candle just at twelve o'clock began to burn quite palely, A Ghost stepped up to his bedside and said "Behold Miss Bailey!"

"Avaunt, Miss Bailey!" then he cries, "your Face looks white and mealy."

"Dear Captain Smith," the ghost replied, "you've used me ungenteelly; The Crowner's 'Quest goes hard with me because I've acted frailly, And Parson Biggs won't bury me though I am dead Miss Bailey."

"Dear Corpse!" said he, "since you and I accounts must once for all close, There really is a one pound note in my regimental Smallclothes; I'll bribe the s.e.xton for your grave." The ghost then vanished gaily Crying "Bless you, Wicked Captain Smith, Remember poor Miss Bailey."

_Unknown._