The Book of Humorous Verse Part 15

MAN'S PLACE IN NATURE

DEDICATED TO DARWIN AND HUXLEY

They told him gently he was made Of nicely tempered mud, That man no lengthened part had played Anterior to the Flood.

'Twas all in vain; he heeded not, Referring plant and worm, Fish, reptile, ape, and Hottentot, To one primordial germ.

They asked him whether he could bear To think his kind allied To all those brutal forms which were In structure Pithecoid; Whether he thought the apes and us h.o.m.ologous in form; He said, "h.o.m.o and Pithecus Came from one common germ."

They called him "atheistical,"

"Sceptic," and "infidel."

They swore his doctrines without fail Would plunge him into h.e.l.l.

But he with proofs in no way lame, Made this deduction firm, That all organic beings came From one primordial germ.

That as for the Noachian flood, 'Twas long ago disproved, That as for man being made of mud, All by whom truth is loved Accept as fact what, _malgre_ strife, Research tends to confirm-- That man, and everything with life, Came from one common germ.

_Unknown._

THE NEW VERSION

A soldier of the Russians Lay j.a.panned at Tschrtzvkjskivitch, There was lack of woman's nursing And other comforts which Might add to his last moments And smooth the final way;-- But a comrade stood beside him To hear what he might say.

The j.a.panned Russian faltered As he took that comrade's hand, And he said: "I never more shall see My own, my native land; Take a message and a token To some distant friends of mine, For I was born at Smnlxzrskgqrxzski, Fair Smnlxzrskgqrxzski on the Irkztrvzkimnov."

_W. J. Lampton._

AMAZING FACTS ABOUT FOOD

The Food Scientist tells us: "A deficiency of iron, phosphorus, pota.s.sium, calcium and the other mineral salts, colloids and vitamines of vegetable origin leads to numerous forms of physical disorder."

I yearn to bite on a Colloid With phosphorus, iron and Beans; I want to be filled with Calcium, grilled, And Veg'table Vitamines!

I yearn to bite on a Colloid (Though I don't know what it means) To line my inside with Pota.s.sium, fried, And Veg'table Vitamines.

I would sate my soul with spinach And dandelion greens.

No eggs, nor ham, nor hard-boiled clam, But Veg'table Vitamines.

Hi, Waiter! Coddle the Colloids With phosphorus, iron and Beans; Though Mineral Salts may have some faults, Bring on the Vitamines.

_Unknown._

TRANSCENDENTALISM

It is told, in Buddhi-theosophic schools, There are rules.

By observing which, when mundane labor irks One can simulate quiescence By a timely evanescence From his Active Mortal Essence, (Or his Works.)

The particular procedure leaves research In the lurch, But, apparently, this matter-moulded form Is a kind of outer plaster, Which a well-instructed Master Can remove without disaster When he's warm.

And to such as mourn an Indian Solar Clime At its prime 'Twere a thesis most immeasurably fit, So expansively elastic, And so plausibly fantastic, That one gets enthusiastic For a bit.

_Unknown._

A "CAUDAL" LECTURE

Philosophy shows us 'twixt monkey and man One simious line in unbroken extendage; Development only since first it began-- And chiefly in losing the caudal appendage.

Our ancestors' holding was wholly _in tail_, And the loss of this feature we claim as a merit; But though often at tale-bearing people we rail, 'Tis rather a loss than a gain we inherit.

The tail was a rudder--a capital thing To a man who was half--or a quarter--seas over; And as for a sailor, by that he could cling, And use for his hands and his feet both discover.

In the Arts it would quickly have found out a place; The painter would use it to steady his pencil; In music, how handy to pound at the ba.s.s!

And then one could write by its coilings prehensile.

The Army had gained had the fas.h.i.+on endured-- 'Twould carry a sword, or be good in saluting; If the foe should turn tail, they'd be quickly secured; Or, used as a la.s.so, 'twould help in recruiting.

To the Force 'twould add force--they could "run 'em in" so That one to three culprits would find himself equal; He could collar the two, have the other in tow-- A very good form of the Tale and its Sequel.

In life many uses 'twould serve we should see-- A man with no bed could hang cosily snoozing; 'Twould hold an umbrella, hand cups round at tea, Or a candle support while our novel perusing.

In fact, when one thinks of our loss from of old, It makes us regret that we can't go in for it, or Wish, like the Dane, we a _tail_ could unfold, Instead of remaining each one a _stump_ orator.

_William Sawyer._

SALAD

To make this condiment, your poet begs The pounded yellow of two hard-boiled eggs; Two boiled potatoes, pa.s.sed through kitchen-sieve, Smoothness and softness to the salad give; Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl, And, half-suspected, animate the whole.

Of mordant mustard add a single spoon, Distrust the condiment that bites so soon; But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault, To add a double quant.i.ty of salt.