Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 60

LUKE. What plan?

REVENUE. My plan for dying.

LUKE. Oh, then you didn't give up the idea?

REVENUE. No, indeed--I'm still determined to die, but I'm going to make some one else responsible.

LUKE. Oh--so you hain't willing to pay fer yer own funeral music?

REVENUE. No, sir. I'll furnish the pa.s.senger, but some one else must buy the ticket. You see, when I finally decided I'd be killed, I immediately exposed myself to every danger I knew.

LUKE. How?

REVENUE. In a thousand ways.... [_Pause._] Did you ever see an automobile?

LUKE. No.

REVENUE. They go faster than steam engines, and they don't _stay_ on tracks. Did you ever hear of Fifth Avenue, New York?

LUKE. No.

REVENUE. Fifth Avenue is jammed with automobiles, eight deep all day long. People being killed every day. I crossed Fifth Avenue a thousand times a day, every day for weeks, never once trying to get out of the way, and always praying I'd be hit.

LUKE. And couldn't yu git hit?

REVENUE. [_In disgust._] No. Automobiles only hit people who try to get out of the way. [_Pause._] When that failed, I frequented the lowest dives on the Bowery, flas.h.i.+ng a roll of money and wearing diamonds, hoping they'd kill me for them. They stole the money and diamonds, but never touched me.

LUKE. Couldn't you pick a fight?

REVENUE. I'm coming to that. You know up North they believe that a man can be killed in the South for calling another man a liar.

LUKE. That's right.

REVENUE. It is, is it? Well, I've called men liars from Was.h.i.+ngton to Atlanta, and I'm here to tell you about it.

LUKE. They must a took pity on ye.

REVENUE. Do you know Two Gun Jake that keeps the dive down in Henderson?

LUKE. I should think I do.... Jake's killed enough of 'em.

REVENUE. He's a bad man, ain't he?

LUKE. He's no trifler.

REVENUE. I wound up in Jake's place two nights ago, pretending to be drunk. Jake was cursing n.i.g.g.e.rs.

LUKE. He's allus doin' that.

REVENUE. So I elbowed my way up to the bar and announced that I was an expert in the discovery of n.i.g.g.e.r blood ... could tell a n.i.g.g.e.r who was 63-64ths white.

LUKE. Ye kin?

REVENUE. No, I can't, but I made them believe it. I then offered to look them over and tell them if they had any n.i.g.g.e.r blood in them. A few of them sneaked away, but the rest stood for it. I pa.s.sed them all until I got to Two Gun Jake. I examined his eyeb.a.l.l.s, looked at his finger-nails, and said, "You're a n.i.g.g.e.r."

LUKE. An' what did Jake do?

REVENUE. He turned pale, took me into the back room. He said: "Honest to G.o.d, mister, can ye see n.i.g.g.e.r blood in me?" I said: "Yes." "There's no mistake about it?" "Not a bit," I answered. "Good G.o.d," he said, "I always suspected it." Then he pulled out his gun--

LUKE. Eh ... eh?

REVENUE. And shot _himself_.

LUKE. Jake shot hisself!... Is he dead?

REVENUE. I don't know--I was too disgusted to wait. I wandered around until I thought of you moons.h.i.+ners ... scrambled around in the mountains until I found your still. I _sat_ on it and waited until you boys showed up, and here I am, and you're going to kill me.

LUKE. [_Pause._] Ah, so ye want us to do yer killin' fer ye, do ye?

REVENUE. You're my last hope. If I fail this time I may as well give it up.

LUKE. [_Takes out revolver, turns sidewise and secretly removes cartridges from chamber. Rises._] What wuz that noise?

[_Lays revolver on table and steps outside of door._ REVENUE _looks at revolver, apparently without interest_.

[LUKE _cautiously enters doorway and expresses surprise at seeing_ REVENUE _making no attempt to secure revolver. Feigning excitement, goes to table, picks up gun._

LUKE. I reckon I'm gettin' careless, leavin' a gun layin' around here that-a-way. Didn't you see it?

REVENUE. Yes.

LUKE. Well, why didn't ye grab it?

REVENUE. What for?

LUKE. To git the drop on me.

REVENUE. Can't you understand what I've been telling you, mister? I don't _want_ the drop on you.

LUKE. Well, doggone if I don't believe yer tellin' me the truth. Thought I'd just see what ye'd do. Ye see, I emptied it first.

[_Opens up gun._

REVENUE. That wasn't necessary.

LUKE. Well, I reckon ye better git along out o' here, mister.

REVENUE. You don't mean you're weakening?