Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 65

HENRIETTE. [_Sharp and even antagonistic._] Yes, I have that unfortunate gift of understanding things before people have finished explaining them. While the others are waiting for the explanation, I can't wait, and I fly on miles ahead----

ALBERT. Hm--that sounds probable; I sha'n't say anything more about that just now. But while I'm on the subject, I have more than once noticed that you are guilty of the worst vice woman ever possessed----

HENRIETTE. And what, if you please?

ALBERT. Vanity.

HENRIETTE. I vain? Oh, you're going too far!

ALBERT. [_Unruffled._] Not a word! Every time I tell you a fault, you twist it round to your own advantage. Whereas you are really worse----

HENRIETTE. [_Rising and gathering her skirts about her with virtuous indignation._] You are rude! I suppose you would find fault with me if I considered myself more polite than the person whom I have the honor to address?

ALBERT. I hope you don't intend that remark as personal.

HENRIETTE. I certainly do.

[_She crosses to the other side of the stage and sits down._ ALBERT _rises and goes up to her_.

ALBERT. Henriette! No! [_Laughing._] I see your trick.

HENRIETTE. What do you mean?

ALBERT. You can't deceive me by pretending to be angry. You wanted to see whether I could withstand your temper. Let us now proceed to the next chapter: your manner of dressing.

HENRIETTE. [_Now really outraged._] My manner of dressing? You dare!

[HENRIETTE _crosses_ L. _Front_, ALBERT _following her_.

ALBERT. Yes, that will be enough for to-day----

HENRIETTE. And then you'll begin again to-morrow!

ALBERT. Yes.

HENRIETTE. And do you think for one minute that I'll listen to you while you insult me to my face? _You_ are the vain one, to think you can come to that! _You_ are the frivolous one, _you_ are the----

ALBERT. [_Slightly perturbed._] Be careful what you say!

HENRIETTE. I'll take care of that. Let me tell you that you are a detestable cynic. You are disgustingly personal; always dwelling on details, on the least----

ALBERT. Which is as much as calling me a fool?

HENRIETTE. Just about. You would be if you didn't read your morning paper regularly; so regularly that I know in advance exactly what you are going to say to me during the day.

ALBERT. Why not call me a parrot?

HENRIETTE. That would flatter you, for you don't speak as well as a parrot; a parrot's memory never gets clouded, a parrot has at least the common politeness to----

ALBERT. [_Between his teeth._] I won't stand for this. I wonder how you could have endured me so long if you thought me such a fool.

HENRIETTE. I believed you harmless.

ALBERT. Are you aware that you have wounded me cruelly?

HENRIETTE. _You_ have wounded _me_. Thank heaven, though, we had this discussion! Now I'll know how to conduct myself toward you in the future.

ALBERT. Thank heaven for the same thing! It was high time! I grieve to think that only last night I had fully made up my mind to ask you to be my wife!

HENRIETTE. My dear friend, if you ever do so, I shall show you the door immediately.

[_Enter_ JACQUES _hurriedly_. HENRIETTE _runs to him as for protection_.

JACQUES. What's all this noise? What's the matter?

HENRIETTE. Oh, Jacques--I'm so glad you've come.

ALBERT. Just in time! You put an end to our pleasant little tete-a-tete.

JACQUES. But what's happened?

HENRIETTE. Well, monsieur here----

ALBERT. No, it was mademoiselle who----

[HENRIETTE _and_ ALBERT _each take an arm of_ JACQUES _and bring him down-stage_ C. _His attention is constantly s.h.i.+fting from one to the other, as they address him in turn._

HENRIETTE. Just think, Jacques----

ALBERT. Jacques, she had the audacity to----

HENRIETTE. Stop! I'm going to tell him first----

JACQUES. You're both too excited to explain anything. Albert, you take a little stroll and cool off.

ALBERT. [_Retreating toward the door._] Charmed.

HENRIETTE. Then I can draw a free breath.

JACQUES. [_To_ ALBERT.] I'll fix up things while you're away.

ALBERT. [_To both._] I won't give in.

HENRIETTE. Neither will I.

JACQUES. Tut, tut!

ALBERT. Good-day, mademoiselle.