Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 79

"OLD MAN." No, we shall stop at "Hotel Neverwas."

COMEDIAN. Don't you like our night's lodgings? [_Turning over toward the_ "OLD WOMAN."] See, the bed is broad and wide, and certainly without vermin. Just feel the high gra.s.s. Such a soft bed you never slept in. And you shall have a cover embroidered with the moon and stars, a cover such as no royal bride ever possessed.

"OLD WOMAN." You're laughing, and I feel like crying.

COMEDIAN. Crying? You should be ashamed of the sun which favors you with its setting splendor. Look, and be inspired!

VILLAIN. Yes, look and expire.

COMEDIAN. Look, and shout with ecstasy!

"OLD MAN." Look, and burst!

[INGENUE _starts sobbing_. TRAGEDIAN _laughs heavily_.

COMEDIAN. [_Turning over to the_ INGENUE.] What! You are crying? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

INGENUE. I'm sad.

"OLD WOMAN." [_Sniffling._] I can't stand it any longer.

HEROINE. Stop it! Or I'll start bawling, too.

[COMEDIAN _springs to his knees and looks quickly from one woman to the other_.

VILLAIN. Ha--ha! Cheer them up, clown!

COMEDIAN. [_Jumps up abruptly without the aid of his hands._] Ladies and gentlemen, I have it! [_In a measured and singing voice._] Ladies and gentlemen, I have it!

HEROINE. What have you?

COMEDIAN. Cheerfulness.

VILLAIN. Go bury yourself, clown.

TRAGEDIAN. [_As before._] Ho-ho-ho!

"OLD MAN." P-o-o-h!

[_The women weep all the louder._

COMEDIAN. I have--a bottle of whiskey!

[_General commotion. The women stop crying and look up to the_ COMEDIAN _in amazement; the_ TRAGEDIAN _straightens himself out and casts a surprised look at the_ COMEDIAN; the "OLD MAN," _rubbing his hands, jumps to his feet; the_ VILLAIN _looks suspiciously at the_ COMEDIAN.

TRAGEDIAN. A bottle of whiskey?

"OLD MAN." He-he-he--A bottle of whiskey.

VILLAIN. Hum--whiskey.

COMEDIAN. You bet! A bottle of whiskey, hidden and preserved for such moments as this, a moment of masculine depression and feminine tears.

[_Taking the flask from his hip pocket. The expression on the faces of all changes from hope to disappointment._

VILLAIN. You call that a bottle. I call it a flask.

TRAGEDIAN. [_Explosively._] A thimble!

"OLD MAN." A dropper!

"OLD WOMAN." For seven of us! Oh!

COMEDIAN. [_Letting the flash sparkle in the sun._] But it's whiskey, my children. [_Opening the flask and smelling it._] U--u--u--m! That's whiskey for you. The saloonkeeper from whom I hooked it will become a teetotaler from sheer despair.

[TRAGEDIAN _rising heavily and slowly proceeding toward the flask_.

VILLAIN _still skeptical and rising as if unwilling. The_ "OLD MAN"

_chuckling and rubbing his hands. The_ "OLD WOMAN" _getting up indifferently and moving apathetically toward the flask. The_ HEROINE _and_ INGENUE _hold each other by the hand and take ballet steps in waltz time. All approach the_ COMEDIAN _with necks eagerly stretched out and smell the flask, which the_ COMEDIAN _holds firmly in both hands_.

TRAGEDIAN. Ho--ho--ho--Fine!

"OLD MAN." He--he--Small quant.i.ty, but excellent quality!

VILLAIN. Seems to be good whiskey.

HEROINE. [_Dancing and singing._] My comedian, my comedian. His head is in the right place. But why didn't you nab a larger bottle?

COMEDIAN. My beloved one, I had to take in consideration both the quality of the whiskey and the size of my pocket.

"OLD WOMAN." If only there's enough of it to go round.

INGENUE. Oh, I'm feeling sad again.

COMEDIAN. Cheer up, there will be enough for us all. Cheer up. Here, smell it again.

[_They smell again and cheerfulness reappears. They join hands and dance and sing, forming a circle, the_ COMEDIAN _applauding_.

COMEDIAN. Good! If you are so cheered after a mere smell of it, what won't you feel like after a drink. Wait, I'll join you. [_He hides the whiskey flask in his pocket._] I'll show you a new roundel which we will perform in our next presentation of Hamlet, to the great edification of our esteemed audience. [_Kicking the_ VILLAIN'S _bundles out of the way_.] The place is clear, now for dance and play. Join hands and form a circle, but you, Villain, stay on the outside of it. You are to try to get in and we dance and are not to let you in, without getting out of step. Understand? Now then!

[_The circle is formed in the following order_--COMEDIAN, HEROINE, TRAGEDIAN, "OLD WOMAN," "OLD MAN," INGENUE.

COMEDIAN. [_Singing._]

To be or not to be, that is the question.

That is the question, that is the question.

He who would enter in, Climb he must over us, If over he cannot, He must get under us.

REFRAIN